Cary Prejean on Mastering Your Narrative and Achieving Satisfaction

Cary Prejean: 00:00:00

if you're a banana, don't try to be an orange.

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You won't be a good orange.

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So people who like oranges won't

like you and people who like bananas

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because you're trying to be an orange,

aren't gonna like you be a banana.

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You're gonna attract people

who love bananas, right?

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Until you define what is

satisfaction, what will satisfy

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you, you will never be satisfied.

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The lesson out of that is,

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how do you wanna say it?

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Go where you're valued most.

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Right.

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to, go to environments, go to

people where you're gonna be in,

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in, you're gonna be valued most,

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Russell Newton: Hello listeners and

welcome back to The Science of Self, where

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you Improve your Life from the inside out.

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We have a guest with

us today, Cary Prejean.

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I hope I said that correctly.

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I've practiced it several times just

in the run up to the episode, uh,

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and is always the case.

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I'm not going to introduce our author

other than, or our guest today who is

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also an author other than give a name

and ask, uh, him to introduce himself and

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tell us what we should know about him.

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Cary Prejean: Okay, that's, that'd be me.

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Um.

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Well, uh, I'm trying to

keep it relatively short.

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Background is in accounting.

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CPA, uh, started consulting in 87

after working for several companies.

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And the big thing that got me going was

I noticed that business owners did not

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know how to use their financial data.

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They did not how to read

financial statements.

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Um, there were all very good at

possibilities and turning into revenue.

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They were very bad at managing

a business, scaling a business,

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building an organization, having

processes to run the business.

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They all became, I guess

they worked for the business.

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The business didn't work for them.

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They couldn't take time off, et cetera.

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So.

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Part of my, I guess, mission was

to educate business owners on how

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to quote, manage by the numbers

that they all talked about, but

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really didn't know how to do it.

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and, and the newer thing is they

all, everybody wants to take

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their business to the next level.

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And again, it's like, so tell

me what's the next level?

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And it's, well, more revenue.

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Well, okay.

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Um, but.

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So what I, the way I work with people

where I work with business owners is,

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um, we start with by helping them, and

I know this sounds like a bold claim,

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but we double net profits in a year.

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Secondly, we give you, we help

you structure your business

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so that now the business works

for you rather than you for it.

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The businesses run by processes.

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Um, we also get you actionable

financial data on a weekly basis so

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that you can manage by the numbers

and longer term, we help you design

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your business into the future.

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So that can be what's most beneficial

for you rather than the forces

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of the market and government and

competitors and everything else

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pushing your business somewhere

you probably don't want it to be.

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Russell Newton: Alright, Cary so you're

a business coach and you double profits.

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You deal with revenue and numbers

and all those, uh, very invaluable

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things for a business owner.

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But this is not a business

podcast, and our listeners are

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not looking for business advice.

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Of course, they're looking for,

uh, personal growth advice.

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So when my listener says, before they

tune out, what does this mean for me?

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What does this interview have for me?

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Can you draw some lines, draw

some connections there for us?

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Cary Prejean: Yeah, sure.

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Um, there's a discipline I use called

the ontology of language, which probably

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doesn't mean anything to anybody.

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I am a certified ontological

coach, but what that does is, well,

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let me back it up a little bit.

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of language has some claims, right?

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One of the claims is, is that what

makes us human beings rather than

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just homo sapiens, is that we have

language, not just have language.

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You can't escape language.

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There's always some perspective that is

telling you what you're experiencing.

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Like it don't like it,

good, bad, right, wrong.

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Makes sense.

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Don't make sense.

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Agree that, disagree with it.

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In fact, if you listen, you're

now telling yourself right now

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is, is this guy making sense?

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What the hell is he talking about?

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Oh, oh, yeah, okay.

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I hadn't really noticed that before.

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Something the fallacy of most human

beings is when we look out into the

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world or we experience input, You know,

slight sound, taste, smell, touch.

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We don't, yes, technically we see with

our eyes, yes, we hear with our ears.

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But I was talking with an audiologist

yesterday and I asked a question,

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do you really hear with your ears?

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And she went to this technical thing

like, yes, on waves and your nerves.

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And I said, okay, but what is

it that you really experienced?

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Do you experience this

sound waves with nothing?

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No.

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What happens is your N is telling

you a story about what sounds came

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through, what that means to you.

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And it's filtered through your perspective

of the way you see the world, So

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whatever your perspective is, it's

gonna have, you see certain things, it's

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gonna be empowering in certain ways.

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It's also gonna have

you not see some things.

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It's all going to be

disempowering in a way.

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that make any kind of sense at all?

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So what I do with business owners

are with people, and I've coached

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non-business people before.

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Is generally what, what they

come to me for coaching on is,

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is they're suffering in some way.

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And I don't mean like suffering, like

oh and pain and stuff, but there's

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some dysfunction going on, things not

working well, things aren't going right.

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And it's generally because their

perspective, their narrative, their

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language that they live by has

them see the world in a certain

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way that it's disempowering.

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Right.

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And they can't produce results, they

can't move forward, they're stuck.

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Um, they have, you know, they're,

they're in bad moods about it.

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Um, and generally the bad

moods, when I say bad moods,

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when I'm generally referring to

is resentment and resignation.

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And both and moods have a

language, they have a discourse.

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Right.

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And resentment resignation, both as a

foundational part of their conversation

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is I assess that X is happening to me.

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I assess that is negative

for me in my future.

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I assess as nothing I can do about it.

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And re, re resentment has the

additional and I promise to get even.

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So if you're living in that kind of

a narrative and there's nothing I can

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do about it, whatcha gonna do about

it, what you can do is you build

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yourself a very good victim story

about how so-and-so's doing it to you.

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And there's nothing you can do about

it as opposed to different moods or

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generally opposite moods, what we

call, um, accepting of certain things.

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When you can come to some acceptance

of what's so about where you're

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at as well as what's possible.

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You live more in moods of ambition

and, uh, well, several on the other

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side, joy, peace, gratitude, And

in those moods, the range of what's

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possible as well as the range of

possible actions expands enormously.

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When you can start thinking about what's,

in other words, rather than living

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by the assessment, there's nothing I

can do about it in different moods.

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Ambition and, and gratitude.

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There's all kinds of things

that become available.

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There's certainly a lot

you can do about it.

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Now, did the world change physically?

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No.

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But your perspective, your language

did, and now you're telling

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yourself a very different story.

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Does that make sense?

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Russell Newton: Absolutely.

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Cary Prejean: Okay.

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So how can people, I guess your listeners,

will, they benefit by, I guess, me

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talking about that kind of stuff?

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Hopefully one of the, one of the things

that I always work with people on is,

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well, let me back up a little bit.

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people walk through life kind of

sleepwalking actually with this narrative

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of, you know, if only my life were

more better or different, I'd be happy.

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But they never take the time to ref,

define what is more, better or different.

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You know, it's like, oh,

I wish I made more money.

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And, and also they kind

of refer to happiness.

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Like it's this thing that's out there that

hopefully will find them somewhat someday.

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Right?

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And happy is a very temporary

emotion that's about, I'm happy

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because I assess this positive

self is happening to me right now.

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Change the, what's happening

right now and the happy goes away.

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And maybe you get mad, maybe you

get sad, but I, I give examples.

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You know, you wake up, cough's

already made, you're happy.

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Um, you're driving to work, you get a

flat, you're unhappy, you get to work.

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Uh, this pile of stuff's,

this big project.

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You're not gonna have

news already been handled.

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Now you're happy.

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Um, one of your, one of

your key people quits.

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some misunderstanding.

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Now you're unhappy.

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So happy and unhappy,

come and go all day long.

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What's more, what I point to is

something that's more lasting.

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My question is, what is

going to satisfy you?

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by satisfy, I mean satisfaction.

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Lemme put this place.

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Satisfaction is defined

by what is enough action.

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So if, if, if you're saying you

want more, better, different,

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more, better, different what?

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You want more money, how much more?

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And if you just want more

income, here's 10 bucks.

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You happy?

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You satisfied?

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No.

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Okay, so define the number and here's

a, here's something I learned a long

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time ago from one of my mentors.

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Until you define what is

satisfaction, what will satisfy

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you, you will never be satisfied.

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You'll always have that, you know, if

following my life will be or different,

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and most people spend about maybe five

minutes thinking about what do I want?

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You know, what do I want outta my life?

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I.

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Um, than just, I get a job, I go to

work, I come home, drink a six pack,

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watch some tube, go to sleep and do

it all over again, and, you know, pray

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for the weekends so I can do even less.

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Um, there's no, for me anyway,

there's no satisfaction to that.

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I would be, I would be depressed.

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I would be resigned and resentful.

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And that's what most of these people

are resign and resentful and they're

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just flow through the motions, just

trying to get to the weekends because

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again, there's, there's that, and

there's nothing I can do about it.

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That, that the cement of everything.

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So when you begin to live in

different, different conversations,

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you get to live in different moods.

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the ambition, gratitude, joy,

peace, and you have all these now,

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your, your world is wide open.

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a much, you're a much happier person.

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I mean, if you are living in gratitude,

joy, and peace, you're going to be happy.

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of the time.

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And if you live in ambition where

you, there's all these possibilities.

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You know, ambition is about what's

possible and, oh, that's possible.

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That's possible, that's possible.

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Now you can begin to take

action towards what, define

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what is your satisfaction first.

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Then you can begin, begin taking

action to attain all that.

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The, is any of this making sense?

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Russell Newton: Absolutely.

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Yes.

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Uh, there's so much in here I want,

I'm making notes to get back to.

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But yeah, the, um, it's

making perfect sense.

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Cary Prejean: So, so for your listeners,

if you're feeling stuck, if you

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are unhappy with life, if you, if

you're in a relationship that doesn't

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work, begin to define what actions.

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And again, in relationships you can't.

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One of your things of satisfaction is

the other person can't make you happy.

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The other person can't make you sad.

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They can invite you to suffer.

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Right, but they can't.

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Happy and sadness and anger,

that's all self-generated.

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And it's all because

something gets triggered.

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And your discourse, your interpretations

of the world, your perspective tells you,

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be happy, be mad, be sad, be something.

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Your narrative is dictating how you react.

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You can have the same event and

have many different interpretations

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about it, which produce different

emotions and moods, right?

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I mean, the most common is

like put several people on a,

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on a, a roller coaster you're

gonna get different reactions.

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Some people are gonna love it.

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Let me go again.

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Somebody will be like, it was

okay once, but no thanks anymore.

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Other people will be terrified, right?

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I'm never doing anything

that's stupid again in my life.

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Um, so people can share events,

you can't have a shared experience.

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There's no such thing.

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Everybody's going to have a

slightly different experience.

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Make sense?

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Russell Newton: That's great.

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Cary Prejean: think about it

this way, if you were born in a

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different time, and let's just

go to extremes, a different sex.

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A different religion, socioeconomic

background, let's say 15 hundreds.

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And your family is

practicing Druids, right?

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And instead of being a male, you're

female, even though the essence of

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you, let's say your spirit, and again,

that's subject to interpretation,

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but your spirit, it's the same in

that body and that circumstance and

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that everything, you would be a very

different person because you would

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live out of a different narrative.

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You wouldn't have the distinction

of some of our modern day stuff.

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You know, you'd be fairly superstitious

of, know, whatever the woods, the sky,

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the everything, the moon, uh, all that

would have different meanings for you.

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And you would live out of that rather than

the language that you live out of now.

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So, yeah.

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So what there is to pay attention to

is what is a narrative that's driving

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you, what is your narrative saying a

lot of times, what drives you to suffer

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or your assessments about the world?

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Right, especially assessments

about you and you get down to it.

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And a lot of times it's in childhood

somewhere that we pick up different

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declarations about ourselves.

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I'm, I'm, uh, unlovable, or I'm stupid,

I was told my whole life, just me

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personally, my whole life in the high

school, my mother always told me,

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you were stu, you stupid and ugly.

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And I believed her, you know, until I

got to college and found out I really

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wasn't stupid and I really wasn't ugly.

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that conditioning, that conditioning

of my narrative, I held as the truth.

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there was some suffering

that went along with that.

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Um, and again, this isn't,

this isn't easy work.

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Right.

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And it's not something you

can really do with yourself.

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You need a good coach to be able to help

you examine your narrative and what's,

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what's, what you're suffering from.

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'cause your narrative's

gonna be right there.

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Your narrative has been gaining,

gathering evidence all your

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life to prove that it's right.

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And when you go to interrupt that

and change it, like no, no, no, no.

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What you just, you try something

different and it doesn't work.

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See, I told you so.

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I told you it's gonna fail.

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You are unlovable, you are stupid,

you are whatever, you know.

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so really, lemme, lemme put it

this way, why do the world's

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best athletes have coaches?

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Because you can't see yourself in

the performance of what you're doing.

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You can't, you can't see yourself.

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Michael Jordan, as great as he was,

could not see himself on the court.

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Now you can see films after, it, it takes

a coach that can tell you just little,

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little distinctions about, you know, make

this distinction, try this, try that.

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And next thing you know, your,

your game is up, is upped.

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just a little bit, but a lot.

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It's those, the fun of the distinction,

generally, the more powerful they are.

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Also, the coach should have been

around longer than you and knows

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different strategies and how to

use them in playing the game.

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Now again, the coach doesn't

play the game, right?

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The coach is there to help you up your

game level and come together as a team.

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And again, like the of of reading

something, it was yesterday and

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they're talking about these really

championship sport teams, you can

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buy all the best talent around.

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It's still gonna take that team probably

three to four years, five years maybe,

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to really gel together as a team.

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if you bring in a whole

bunch of superstars.

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You got a whole bunch of egos that

have to learn to work together.

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So again, this work is very rewarding.

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Um, but it takes time.

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It takes a coach and it takes, it takes

really becoming a lot more self-aware

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about who you are and the narrative

that you live by that drives you

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to experience life the way you do.

312

: 00:15:45

Um, so if you want a much more

rewarding, world, rewarding

313

: 00:15:50

experience of life, it's available.

314

: 00:15:53

You just have to live with

that interpretation that yes,

315

: 00:15:56

it's all these possibilities.

316

: 00:15:58

Yes, I'm happy for, I'm

grateful for everything I have.

317

: 00:16:01

I'm at peace with, you know,

okay, I'm 70 years old.

318

: 00:16:04

I'm a male, I'm married,

I'm a grandfather.

319

: 00:16:07

You know, all the facts of my life.

320

: 00:16:09

I accept all of that.

321

: 00:16:10

That's who I am.

322

: 00:16:12

There's some peace that comes with that.

323

: 00:16:14

the joy of, yes, I'm here.

324

: 00:16:16

I've been, in my life

has got me to right here.

325

: 00:16:20

This is still what's possible.

326

: 00:16:22

And there's a lot of

joy about that, right?

327

: 00:16:26

So, I don't know, maybe

I've gone on too long.

328

: 00:16:28

I'll shut up now.

329

: 00:16:30

Russell Newton: It's interesting, uh,

timing wise to me because I was narrating

330

: 00:16:35

a book this morning, uh, that had a,

the section I did was on, uh, Marcus

331

: 00:16:40

Aurelius and Stoicism, which is, uh,

332

: 00:16:43

Cary Prejean: great

333

: 00:16:44

Russell Newton: right in line

with what you are saying with

334

: 00:16:46

whether you, uh, have studied or

embraced the cons stoicism itself.

335

: 00:16:50

Is it something, uh, it

certainly in aligns as I see

336

: 00:16:54

it with what you're saying.

337

: 00:16:55

Is it something you've studied or, uh.

338

: 00:16:57

Cary Prejean: haven't, I haven't

studied in great, great detail, but

339

: 00:16:59

yes, I'm a big fan of Marcus Aurelius.

340

: 00:17:01

Um, and the whole stoicism thing,

um, and yes, it, it is in line.

341

: 00:17:07

Again, none of that was part

of my learning, the whole thing

342

: 00:17:10

of the ontology of language.

343

: 00:17:12

Uh, I've only discovered it

probably in the last five years

344

: 00:17:14

and just, uh, yeah, I love it, but

I haven't studied in great detail.

345

: 00:17:19

Russell Newton: one of the first concepts

I wrote down the ontology of language.

346

: 00:17:23

Did I get that correct?

347

: 00:17:25

Cary Prejean: Yes.

348

: 00:17:26

Russell Newton: And, uh, you,

you had a, you went into some

349

: 00:17:30

detail on there, but ontology.

350

: 00:17:32

Expand on that choice of that word.

351

: 00:17:34

Cary Prejean: Okay.

352

: 00:17:35

It comes from two words, Antos,

which is Greek for being and all

353

: 00:17:39

you the study of, so it's a study

of being in language, right?

354

: 00:17:44

In other words, we're, we're not

just biological beings, we're

355

: 00:17:47

also linguistic beings, and your

language actually lives in your body.

356

: 00:17:52

How do we know that?

357

: 00:17:54

Do you get flushed when you, when you're

embarrassed, Do you, do you, have certain

358

: 00:18:00

body experiences depending on the, the

emotion of the mood that you're in.

359

: 00:18:05

It shows up in your body and you

can do exercises about like taking

360

: 00:18:12

an event and then changing your

narrative, about changing the story.

361

: 00:18:15

Maybe it's a sad event.

362

: 00:18:16

Okay, now tell a different story

that comes out, like, happy.

363

: 00:18:21

excited or a bit like,

what'd you learn from that?

364

: 00:18:24

And your body will actually, your,

your brain doesn't know the difference.

365

: 00:18:27

Your body doesn't know the difference.

366

: 00:18:29

Telling a different story, you'll, you'll

experience the positivity in your body.

367

: 00:18:33

And I, and I've seen it over

the last, whatever, three

368

: 00:18:36

decades, three plus decades.

369

: 00:18:39

So yeah, it's a study

of being in language.

370

: 00:18:41

And one of the other claims about it

is that language is generative, right?

371

: 00:18:46

And what do I mean by that?

372

: 00:18:47

It generates your reality, number one.

373

: 00:18:50

It, you're not just describing reality.

374

: 00:18:53

Your narrative generates your reality.

375

: 00:18:55

So that's why I always say be careful.

376

: 00:18:57

Your perspective is reality.

377

: 00:18:59

Be careful who you allow to

program your perspective.

378

: 00:19:02

So that's why people who watch, you

know, sit there and watch mindless

379

: 00:19:05

TV and cat videos on YouTube and, you

know, cinema like that, you're, you're

380

: 00:19:10

feeding your, you're feeding your

perspective, you're feeding your ontology.

381

: 00:19:13

Um, you know, be careful of that.

382

: 00:19:15

Be careful what you watch.

383

: 00:19:16

Be careful what you read.

384

: 00:19:18

Um, be careful of who you listen to.

385

: 00:19:20

Um, you wanna be about that.

386

: 00:19:23

It's like feeding your body.

387

: 00:19:24

I.

388

: 00:19:26

You need a bunch of junk food, drink too

much alcohol, all that kind of stuff,

389

: 00:19:29

you're gonna, you put all that into your

body, especially a lot of processed food

390

: 00:19:32

that they're now coming out saying, you

know, there's all these chemicals and

391

: 00:19:35

poisons and everything else, and you're,

you're not gonna be well long term.

392

: 00:19:39

At some point it's going to

show up negatively in your body.

393

: 00:19:41

Same thing for your narrative.

394

: 00:19:43

Be careful what you feed it.

395

: 00:19:45

Be careful what you expose it to

because it doesn't know the difference.

396

: 00:19:49

Right.

397

: 00:19:50

Um, it's also generative in

that our future that you and I

398

: 00:19:54

are experiencing right now was

generated in the past in language.

399

: 00:20:00

How, because your invitation to be on the

show, I accept that there's a promise.

400

: 00:20:03

A promise we both show at the same time.

401

: 00:20:06

This today was generated in the past.

402

: 00:20:09

So if you don't like the

present that you're living in,

403

: 00:20:12

have different conversations.

404

: 00:20:15

Learn to make different offers,

different requests, which will

405

: 00:20:20

result in different promises, which

will generate a different future.

406

: 00:20:24

Does that make sense?

407

: 00:20:26

Yeah.

408

: 00:20:26

It's, it, it all happens in language.

409

: 00:20:28

You know, if you're ha if you're,

lemme see if I can think of an example.

410

: 00:20:32

If you're having conversations with

people about the value of your work,

411

: 00:20:37

and let's say you're valuing your work

at, uh, do some random numbers here, 10

412

: 00:20:41

bucks, you're going to be limited to that.

413

: 00:20:44

Uh, let me say a different,

lemme better one.

414

: 00:20:47

Education people who become teachers.

415

: 00:20:50

Knowing that choice, you're going, you

have to be aware that that life is going

416

: 00:20:56

to have some limiting factors to it.

417

: 00:20:58

You're not gonna make that much money.

418

: 00:21:01

And depending on the education system you

wind up in, it may not be all that reward.

419

: 00:21:06

You may be fighting the bureaucracy

and students and, and parents

420

: 00:21:10

and all that, that stuff.

421

: 00:21:11

There's going to be some things with

that instead of having different.

422

: 00:21:15

Conversations about you educate

people outside of the education

423

: 00:21:19

system where you can make more

money, have more willing students,

424

: 00:21:23

not have bureaucracy to put up with.

425

: 00:21:25

It's all the conversations that

you have about what's possible are

426

: 00:21:29

going to dictate your future life.

427

: 00:21:31

So if you don't like what you're

doing now, learn to have different

428

: 00:21:34

conversations, acquire some skills

maybe because you know the whole thing

429

: 00:21:37

about people get all crazy about money.

430

: 00:21:41

Um,

431

: 00:21:44

and again, let me, let me just back up.

432

: 00:21:46

There was a, there was a guy who, a

man who gave his son a, an antique

433

: 00:21:49

automobile when he turned 18.

434

: 00:21:51

And he told the son, he said, look,

take it different places around town.

435

: 00:21:55

Find out what they'll give you for it.

436

: 00:21:56

Don't sell it.

437

: 00:21:57

Find out what they gave for you.

438

: 00:21:58

So he goes to a, a new dealer,

uh, a used car lot, and he, you

439

: 00:22:02

know, they, they offered him 500.

440

: 00:22:04

So he goes to a new dealership,

new car dealership, and they offer

441

: 00:22:07

him a thousand as a trade in.

442

: 00:22:09

Right incentive to buy.

443

: 00:22:11

He went to an antique car dealer

and they offered him 5,000.

444

: 00:22:17

He goes to a car club that specialized

in that make model and car.

445

: 00:22:21

Somebody offered him 30 grand.

446

: 00:22:24

So the lesson out of that is,

447

: 00:22:29

how do you wanna say it?

448

: 00:22:30

Go where you're valued most.

449

: 00:22:33

Right.

450

: 00:22:34

to, go to environments, go to people

where you're gonna be in, in, you're

451

: 00:22:37

gonna be valued most, you know, nothing

changed about the car, it's just the

452

: 00:22:40

perceived value when those who saw it.

453

: 00:22:43

So

454

: 00:22:46

that was supposed to leave me somewhere

about having different conversations.

455

: 00:22:50

You're so what you need to, you

have to be clear about money.

456

: 00:22:55

Money was, yeah, that was the thing.

457

: 00:22:57

So what is money?

458

: 00:22:58

Most people think money is the green

paper we find in our wallets, or the

459

: 00:23:01

digital digits in our bank accounts.

460

: 00:23:03

Right?

461

: 00:23:04

Those are artifacts.

462

: 00:23:06

Yeah, what is money for human

beings money or is a promise?

463

: 00:23:11

So people who acquire wealth acquire

a whole bunch of promises that they

464

: 00:23:16

can offer to buy what they want.

465

: 00:23:19

Russell Newton: Okay.

466

: 00:23:19

Cary Prejean: So when you begin to think

about money, it's, it's just a promise.

467

: 00:23:22

And how do I accumulate promises?

468

: 00:23:24

How do I make my promise more valuable?

469

: 00:23:26

Or maybe I need to make my promise

to people who value it more than

470

: 00:23:30

the people I've been talking to.

471

: 00:23:33

Does that make sense?

472

: 00:23:33

And I will get more of those promises

in return that I can accumulate, I

473

: 00:23:38

can accumulate some wealth in terms

of the promises, the power of all

474

: 00:23:42

these potential promises you can make.

475

: 00:23:45

Um, so the whole thing about income,

I mean, the world is pretty abundant.

476

: 00:23:51

Russell Newton: Right.

477

: 00:23:52

Cary Prejean: if, if you know how to

tap into it, you know how to tap into

478

: 00:23:54

the whole money conversation, um, and,

and valuing what it is you do and fi and

479

: 00:24:00

listen, just because you can do something.

480

: 00:24:04

Uh, doesn't mean it's valuable.

481

: 00:24:06

What can,

482

: 00:24:07

Russell Newton: Absolutely.

483

: 00:24:08

Cary Prejean: what do you do

that's different from everybody

484

: 00:24:10

else that's doing the same thing?

485

: 00:24:11

Right?

486

: 00:24:12

What is so special about you?

487

: 00:24:14

And in my business consulting, it's

what is your market dominating position?

488

: 00:24:18

can you tell the world about why

you'd be foolish to do any this kind

489

: 00:24:23

of business with anybody but us?

490

: 00:24:26

If you don't know that, in other words,

you don't really know what you're worth,

491

: 00:24:30

you don't know the value of what you do,

don't expect anybody else to know it.

492

: 00:24:34

If you're not clear on it.

493

: 00:24:36

Believe me, the public, the, the

market you're trying to attract,

494

: 00:24:39

the market you're trying to get in

touch with, they won't know either.

495

: 00:24:43

That's why take successful ones anyway.

496

: 00:24:48

Take a fair amount of time, energy, money,

whatever to differentiate themselves with.

497

: 00:24:54

We're different.

498

: 00:24:55

We're special.

499

: 00:24:55

You need to come with us.

500

: 00:24:57

And now again, some businesses

differentiate themselves as

501

: 00:25:00

we're the cheapest in town.

502

: 00:25:02

We're not the best.

503

: 00:25:03

We're the chief, if you

want, just basic stuff.

504

: 00:25:05

I mean, McDonald's on their board, their

sign say billions and billions served.

505

: 00:25:10

They're not saying

they're the best burgers.

506

: 00:25:11

They're saying we've been really

consistent over the years serving

507

: 00:25:14

these mediocre hamburgers.

508

: 00:25:16

And if you want to ha if you want

your, your, uh, not, they don't serve

509

: 00:25:20

whoppers, your, uh, pounder pounder,

in Houston, as it will in Maine, as it

510

: 00:25:26

will in London, as it will in Singapore.

511

: 00:25:28

Very consistent.

512

: 00:25:31

So again, they're not

trying to be the best.

513

: 00:25:34

They don't advertise that.

514

: 00:25:35

They're saying, we're very consistent.

515

: 00:25:36

If you want cheap, fast food,

this place to come get it.

516

: 00:25:40

And that's what different differentiate,

differentiate themselves about the

517

: 00:25:43

market as opposed to like Burger

Smith and some of the other more,

518

: 00:25:47

uh, I guess upscale burger joints.

519

: 00:25:49

they're saying, Hey, we're better,

but if you want gourmet burgers and

520

: 00:25:53

fries and you know, beer and whatever

else they have, we're the place.

521

: 00:25:59

So, again, that's getting

clear on what your offer is.

522

: 00:26:03

You have to be very clear about what

is your offer, what's so valuable about

523

: 00:26:07

it, and if it's not that valuable, what

can you do to make it more valuable?

524

: 00:26:10

What skills can you acquire?

525

: 00:26:11

What can you add to it?

526

: 00:26:13

all, again, all that happens in language.

527

: 00:26:16

And you have to be able to not just tell

people about it, but they have their,

528

: 00:26:21

their perspective, their narrative

has to see what you're offering.

529

: 00:26:25

you present it in the wrong

way, they're not gonna see it.

530

: 00:26:29

Russell Newton: You said you should ask

yourself or you, you ask businessmen,

531

: 00:26:32

what is your, was it market domination?

532

: 00:26:35

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

533

: 00:26:35

Market dominating position.

534

: 00:26:37

A a lot of people also

refer to as your, um Oh.

535

: 00:26:43

It something, selling proposition.

536

: 00:26:45

Isp.

537

: 00:26:45

Is it ISP Oh, unique.

538

: 00:26:47

Unique selling proposition.

539

: 00:26:48

USP or your market do position.

540

: 00:26:51

In other words, what is it that

you offer that nobody else offers?

541

: 00:26:55

Think of it this way.

542

: 00:26:56

If you look at a tree line,

you know, in the distance,

543

: 00:26:59

what tree are you gonna notice?

544

: 00:27:02

Pretty much to me, the tree

that's calling and the rest

545

: 00:27:04

Russell Newton: A different one?

546

: 00:27:05

Yeah,

547

: 00:27:06

Cary Prejean: yeah, the different one,

548

: 00:27:07

Russell Newton: I.

549

: 00:27:08

Cary Prejean: Um, everything

else just looks the same.

550

: 00:27:10

So you don't want to be in a marketplace

where you look like everybody else.

551

: 00:27:14

need to find out what is your special

sauce as they say that people are gonna

552

: 00:27:19

want to be a path to your door, you're

not gonna figure it out in a weekend.

553

: 00:27:23

Okay?

554

: 00:27:24

So be patient.

555

: 00:27:26

It may take a while of experimentation,

some market research, asking potential

556

: 00:27:31

customers what is it you're looking for?

557

: 00:27:33

And again, in your life, it's

like, I'll give you an example.

558

: 00:27:37

Uh, again, it's all about

the satisfaction thing.

559

: 00:27:40

Um, I was married for about eight years,

got divorced and I was kind of, you know,

560

: 00:27:45

I was kind of like lost for about five.

561

: 00:27:47

Not lost, but I was just kind of like,

uh, I dunno if I'm never get married

562

: 00:27:50

again, I don't, you know, I dunno what

kind of relationship I'm looking for.

563

: 00:27:53

And so I took about six months of writing.

564

: 00:27:57

Like, what, what, what relationship

look like, what would she look like?

565

: 00:28:03

What would she be like,

where would she be from?

566

: 00:28:05

I even got down, I had this big

thing in my younger days that I,

567

: 00:28:08

I didn't want to date, um, bonds

and I didn't want to date Yankees.

568

: 00:28:14

from the south, well, on

my list I put Yankees.

569

: 00:28:19

Okay, blonde's.

570

: 00:28:20

Okay.

571

: 00:28:21

Guess all wound up marrying

572

: 00:28:23

Russell Newton: Oh, uh, the obvious

573

: 00:28:24

Cary Prejean: a blonde Yankee from

574

: 00:28:26

Russell Newton: of course

575

: 00:28:28

Cary Prejean: Been together 35 years.

576

: 00:28:31

But again, she was in

my list of satisfaction.

577

: 00:28:35

If I had never taken the time to do that,

you know, anybody would've done, and maybe

578

: 00:28:40

it'll work, maybe it wouldn't have worked.

579

: 00:28:43

But she fit much a hundred percent of

the things I wrote down about what I'm

580

: 00:28:49

look, and not that she's gonna make me

happy, but just from the things we do

581

: 00:28:53

together, some of the things she did,

some of her interests, all that kind

582

: 00:28:56

of stuff, she pretty much fit the bill.

583

: 00:28:58

And we've been happily

married for 35 years.

584

: 00:29:03

Russell Newton: is this.

585

: 00:29:04

Would you, uh, correlate the.

586

: 00:29:07

The USP or the dominating position

along with the, on the, on the business

587

: 00:29:12

side of things, and we'll as, as

you've done, and most of these, take

588

: 00:29:15

it back to a personal level after

that and into a mission statement.

589

: 00:29:18

Is that the, is the

mission statement, the,

590

: 00:29:21

Cary Prejean: Yes.

591

: 00:29:22

Yeah.

592

: 00:29:22

In other words, what is special

about you as a human being?

593

: 00:29:26

What is your offer to the world?

594

: 00:29:29

And also be clear, you are not

going to attract everybody.

595

: 00:29:33

Uh uh.

596

: 00:29:34

That's I, I've said in classes I've taught

about using the ontology of languages,

597

: 00:29:38

half the world thinks you're an asshole.

598

: 00:29:41

I don't care who you are because of

your age, 'cause of your sex, because

599

: 00:29:44

the way you come from, because of

the religion, you practice the way

600

: 00:29:46

you look something, half the world's

gonna think, ah, but the other half

601

: 00:29:51

of the world, what is it about you?

602

: 00:29:53

That is, if, if you can be

your authentic self, right?

603

: 00:29:57

And I know that that gets tossed around.

604

: 00:29:59

And what is a authentic self?

605

: 00:30:00

If you can be who you really are,

you're going to attract certain people.

606

: 00:30:05

They're gonna be attracted to who you are.

607

: 00:30:07

They're gonna be attracted to your

discourse, attracted to your conversation.

608

: 00:30:10

They're gonna attracted, they're

gonna be attracted to you being you.

609

: 00:30:14

Um, now this goes back in the seventies,

but I read a book by Leo Lus Scalia.

610

: 00:30:19

I dunno if anybody knows him,

thing was, if you're a banana,

611

: 00:30:24

don't try to be an orange.

612

: 00:30:26

You won't be a good orange.

613

: 00:30:27

So people who like oranges won't

like you and people who like bananas

614

: 00:30:30

because you're trying to be an orange,

aren't gonna like you be a banana.

615

: 00:30:33

You're gonna attract people

who love bananas, right?

616

: 00:30:37

So, uh, again, in terms of your

personal, your personal offer to

617

: 00:30:42

the world is be your authentic self.

618

: 00:30:43

But you need to, you

need to be real clear.

619

: 00:30:45

Who is that?

620

: 00:30:46

You know, a a again, it comes

down to who are you in the world?

621

: 00:30:51

What is your offer?

622

: 00:30:52

Not just what can you get from people,

you're not trying to sell anybody

623

: 00:30:56

anything, but what is your, I mean,

know, what, what are your interests?

624

: 00:31:00

What do you do?

625

: 00:31:01

What, why would somebody

wanna spend time with you

626

: 00:31:05

and you're not, again, you're not

gonna answer that in a weekend.

627

: 00:31:08

Russell Newton: Exactly.

628

: 00:31:08

Cary Prejean: some time.

629

: 00:31:09

Russell Newton: A person can't be

themselves until they get rid of those

630

: 00:31:14

false perceptions and the false lens

that they put on the world, as you

631

: 00:31:21

mentioned, that were presented to us

in our early life as children, uh,

632

: 00:31:27

that color everything that we do.

633

: 00:31:28

But you made an interesting point that

that narrative continues to change as I.

634

: 00:31:33

Go through life.

635

: 00:31:34

My personality, a person's

personality, I believe is, is

636

: 00:31:37

set for the most part early,

637

: 00:31:40

Cary Prejean: Your,

638

: 00:31:41

Russell Newton: but there can be changes.

639

: 00:31:42

I.

640

: 00:31:42

Cary Prejean: Yeah, I, I agree.

641

: 00:31:43

General temperament is probably at

birth, everything that happens to it

642

: 00:31:48

afterwards, you know, comes from where

you grew up, the people surrounding

643

: 00:31:53

you, where you grew up, you know, your

parents socioeconomic background, what

644

: 00:31:57

you're exposed to, all that stuff.

645

: 00:31:59

It all accumulates and

you begin developing some.

646

: 00:32:03

about the world early on, and

then you spend the rest of your

647

: 00:32:06

life gathering evidence that

those assessments are correct.

648

: 00:32:10

The problem is we forget,

they're just assessments.

649

: 00:32:12

It's just a story we told ourselves.

650

: 00:32:14

We hold them like they're the truth.

651

: 00:32:16

Not just the truth, but the truth

in capital letters, you know?

652

: 00:32:20

And that those are generally the

places, especially the ones we

653

: 00:32:23

hold very dear to our hearts.

654

: 00:32:25

Those are the places where

people usually suffer.

655

: 00:32:28

Those are the ones that

become dysfunctional or

656

: 00:32:30

disempowering, for people.

657

: 00:32:33

So it's a, it's being able, and

the, the reason it's work is so hard

658

: 00:32:36

sometimes is because it's because

they're so sacrosanct, you know?

659

: 00:32:39

Oh my God, no, I can't, I can't

examine, I can't examine this one.

660

: 00:32:44

This one's too precious.

661

: 00:32:45

It's too much meat.

662

: 00:32:46

They can all be, they can all be examined.

663

: 00:32:48

Um, I took a class with a, a

brilliant guy from Chile one time.

664

: 00:32:54

He was a biologist, but his, his,

comment, I mean, it got him into

665

: 00:32:59

this whole thing of language, right?

666

: 00:33:00

But his comment was, the original

sin was probably reflection.

667

: 00:33:05

Like, what if this is not some, you know,

what if there is no God, and I believe

668

: 00:33:11

in God, I prove that He's, he exists not

in a, not in a third party objective way.

669

: 00:33:17

No.

670

: 00:33:17

But I, I sincerely believe

he exists or she, or.

671

: 00:33:20

Whatever it, God is a, as a supreme

being creator of, of the universe.

672

: 00:33:25

Yes.

673

: 00:33:27

Um, but you have to be willing

to let go of those things

674

: 00:33:31

and like just examine them.

675

: 00:33:33

Is it possible that this is wrong?

676

: 00:33:36

You know, is this just a story?

677

: 00:33:37

Is this just an assessment I told myself?

678

: 00:33:40

Um, there are very few, put

this way, there are very few

679

: 00:33:45

quote facts in the world.

680

: 00:33:47

And what I mean by that is a

fact is something that generally

681

: 00:33:51

has social agreement, right?

682

: 00:33:53

I'm sitting in a chair I can point

to some distinctions that make it

683

: 00:33:57

true that this is a chair, it's got a

seat, it's got arms, it's got a back.

684

: 00:34:02

Um, it's used for the concern of

sitting, go to some uncivilized, some

685

: 00:34:07

undiscovered places in the world, the

Amazon jungle, Africa, wherever, that

686

: 00:34:11

they don't have chairs this, they

wouldn't know what the hell to do

687

: 00:34:15

with this, especially if it's wood.

688

: 00:34:16

It'd probably be fuel for a fire.

689

: 00:34:18

There is no truth.

690

: 00:34:20

the truth, like all caps.

691

: 00:34:22

This is a chair for our, for

our agreement, for the concerns

692

: 00:34:26

of sitting yes, is the chair.

693

: 00:34:28

from those assertions, we start

making declarations and declarations

694

: 00:34:34

designed the future, like this

country was declared into existence

695

: 00:34:38

by the Declaration of Independence.

696

: 00:34:40

Now we had to follow that up and

use military power and some luck to

697

: 00:34:44

establish yes, we're separate from

United Kingdom or England at the time.

698

: 00:34:50

you know, we had to make,

we had to validate our, our

699

: 00:34:53

declaration by using force.

700

: 00:34:56

There's a special kind of

declaration called assessments.

701

: 00:34:58

And assessments is most

of what we live in.

702

: 00:35:02

The good, bad, right, wrong,

like it don't, like it.

703

: 00:35:03

Makes sense, don't make sense.

704

: 00:35:04

Agree to disagree with that.

705

: 00:35:05

So, assessments about this chair,

it's a, a comfortable chair.

706

: 00:35:11

Depends on your standards for comfort.

707

: 00:35:14

It is a good looking chair.

708

: 00:35:15

Depends on your standards for

what's good looking, you know?

709

: 00:35:18

Um, uh, he's old.

710

: 00:35:22

Well, you know, if you're comparing

to people, uh, a lifespan of say

711

: 00:35:27

dogs, yes, I'm extraordinarily old.

712

: 00:35:29

You compare to a lifestyle of, uh,

what, what some of these sea turtles,

713

: 00:35:33

they live into their hundreds.

714

: 00:35:34

Now I'm about middle aged,

you know, you know, am I tall?

715

: 00:35:38

I'm six foot two compared

to the standard of pygmies.

716

: 00:35:41

No, I'm a fricking giant to the

standard of the, the average NBA player.

717

: 00:35:46

I'm too short for the game.

718

: 00:35:48

again, whatever your assessment

is, there always has to be some

719

: 00:35:51

standards that you're comparing it to.

720

: 00:35:53

And there has to be some, some actions.

721

: 00:35:56

Like you couldn't say

I was tall or not tall.

722

: 00:35:58

If you had know I was six foot

two and you, you didn't know what

723

: 00:36:00

standards you're comparing it to.

724

: 00:36:01

Does that make sense?

725

: 00:36:03

Russell Newton: Yes.

726

: 00:36:03

Cary Prejean: So, and that, again,

the whole thing of interacting with

727

: 00:36:09

other people, you're trying to.

728

: 00:36:11

We're not meant to be alone.

729

: 00:36:13

I mean, there are some people who choose

that, but we're not meant to be alone.

730

: 00:36:16

We're meant to be very societal people.

731

: 00:36:18

We're almost like herd animals in a way.

732

: 00:36:20

We're have an limbic

system, the herding impulse.

733

: 00:36:23

That's why you see in financial

markets, people tend to buy

734

: 00:36:27

at the top and south bottom.

735

: 00:36:29

And it's, it's all this greed

rushing in, oh God know.

736

: 00:36:32

Like they said, when the depression,

when the shoe shine, boys were trading

737

: 00:36:35

stocks, it was time to get out.

738

: 00:36:37

And everybody that gets out at

the bottom because of rampant

739

: 00:36:40

fear, it's a societal thing.

740

: 00:36:41

There's even a a, there's a, an

analysis tool called Elliot Wave that

741

: 00:36:46

can measure, know, where we're at

in different cycles of the market.

742

: 00:36:51

Um, Proctor, I think what he, he

runs, uh, uh, Elliot Wave Principle.

743

: 00:36:58

Um, uh, you can see it in fires.

744

: 00:37:02

You know, most people who die in a fire,

they die jammed up at the exit door.

745

: 00:37:06

I.

746

: 00:37:07

insulation.

747

: 00:37:08

Same thing with financial markets.

748

: 00:37:10

Everybody's trying to get at the

same time, there's no buyers.

749

: 00:37:13

They all die at the egg.

750

: 00:37:15

We're, that's that hurting impulse.

751

: 00:37:18

Um, so the whole thing about

assessments is you need to, they,

752

: 00:37:25

they're either grounded or ungrounded.

753

: 00:37:28

You can only use assertions

to ground an assessment.

754

: 00:37:31

You can't use other assessments

ground an assessment.

755

: 00:37:33

In other words,

756

: 00:37:36

See you girl.

757

: 00:37:37

She's good looking.

758

: 00:37:39

you know what, what makes you say that?

759

: 00:37:40

Well, I mean, look at it.

760

: 00:37:42

She's so pretty.

761

: 00:37:42

That's not a, that's not an assertion.

762

: 00:37:44

Well, she's five foot six.

763

: 00:37:47

hair is blonde.

764

: 00:37:49

It's at the shoulder length.

765

: 00:37:50

I like, she's got blue eyes.

766

: 00:37:52

Um, she's got a slender figure, you know,

or figure she's, she weighs 125 pounds.

767

: 00:37:58

She's good.

768

: 00:37:59

She works out a lot.

769

: 00:38:00

She's got a muscular build.

770

: 00:38:02

Um, all, all those kinds of facts

can be used to ground the assessment.

771

: 00:38:06

She's good looking.

772

: 00:38:06

She, and again, good looking to

me, may not be good looking to you,

773

: 00:38:10

Russell Newton: Right.

774

: 00:38:11

Cary Prejean: you know, but

beauty's not eye beholder.

775

: 00:38:14

So those are things that generally

drive the way we see the world.

776

: 00:38:17

Those, those three speech acts.

777

: 00:38:19

And again, assessment are a special

form of, uh, uh, declaration.

778

: 00:38:24

Um, I.

779

: 00:38:25

But the three speech acts that

help us design the future are

780

: 00:38:28

request offers and promises.

781

: 00:38:30

The problem is most people make very,

very sloppy requests and offers and

782

: 00:38:35

don't really make good promises either.

783

: 00:38:37

But to to, for that, for those to

be effective, you need a committed

784

: 00:38:41

speaker, a committed listener.

785

: 00:38:43

You need conditions of

satisfaction and a deadline.

786

: 00:38:45

And generally what helps in terms of

once you accept, there's a promise made.

787

: 00:38:51

So to make, what really makes the promise

easier to facilitate is when you're

788

: 00:38:56

done, declare, I, I'm finished, I'm done.

789

: 00:39:00

Right?

790

: 00:39:01

And business, it drives me crazy.

791

: 00:39:04

People say, okay, go do this.

792

: 00:39:05

People go do it, and never.

793

: 00:39:07

And then you gotta follow two days.

794

: 00:39:08

You get, yeah, yeah.

795

: 00:39:09

Finish it yesterday.

796

: 00:39:11

me when you're done.

797

: 00:39:12

I.

798

: 00:39:13

I want the ability to make sure that

what you did is what we asked, but

799

: 00:39:18

that, that's how you design your

future is request offers and promises.

800

: 00:39:21

So again, you don't like the current,

you don't like where you are currently.

801

: 00:39:23

You wanna design a different future, learn

to make different offers and promises.

802

: 00:39:27

And if you want to, I guess, check

the way you see the world, check the

803

: 00:39:33

assessments primarily that you live by.

804

: 00:39:35

Right?

805

: 00:39:36

And declarations are the ones

at the really, at the core.

806

: 00:39:39

Like again, you're ugly,

you're stupid, um, whatever.

807

: 00:39:43

Here's what's interesting.

808

: 00:39:44

And the work that I did, we, we

had several professors come through

809

: 00:39:50

and almost to a person, they all

live with the base assessment.

810

: 00:39:53

I'm stupid.

811

: 00:39:55

That's why they got all the

degrees to prove that they weren't.

812

: 00:40:01

Russell Newton: Prove that wrong.

813

: 00:40:02

Cary Prejean: yeah, I'm really not.

814

: 00:40:03

Or they're gaining, gathering evidence.

815

: 00:40:05

Like, see, I'm not that stupid.

816

: 00:40:06

I got this, I got my degree, I got my

master's, I got my PhD, I got published.

817

: 00:40:11

Uh, I got the grant for this research.

818

: 00:40:14

Um, lawyers were hard to come

by again, and this is my joke.

819

: 00:40:19

Lawyers are trained in law school

to be right and to argue about it.

820

: 00:40:24

You know, they say he's making

arguments that ain't taking cases.

821

: 00:40:27

He's making arguments before court.

822

: 00:40:30

lawyers are really a tough

nut to crack because of that.

823

: 00:40:34

They have a very hard time

listening to the other side.

824

: 00:40:37

'cause they're always gaming.

825

: 00:40:38

How can I respond, how can I, whatever.

826

: 00:40:41

nothing against any lawyers out there.

827

: 00:40:44

Um, anyway, I've, I've

kind of rambled on here.

828

: 00:40:47

Sorry about that.

829

: 00:40:49

Russell Newton: Oh, no.

830

: 00:40:49

Please don't apologize.

831

: 00:40:50

It's, uh, here's what comes to my mind.

832

: 00:40:53

You, you, you have a lot of information.

833

: 00:40:57

I'm trying to get notes on it,

but is this, uh, information

834

: 00:41:01

also itemized in your book?

835

: 00:41:02

Can we take a second to talk about that?

836

: 00:41:04

I.

837

: 00:41:04

Cary Prejean: no, no.

838

: 00:41:05

The,

839

: 00:41:06

Russell Newton: Oh, this is different.

840

: 00:41:07

Cary Prejean: I've written three

books and they're all written

841

: 00:41:09

for business owners right

842

: 00:41:10

Russell Newton: Okay.

843

: 00:41:11

Cary Prejean: I've pointed at some

of this stuff, but there there

844

: 00:41:13

are two, actually, there's three

books, that I would recommend.

845

: 00:41:17

Two Of'em are written by a good

friend of mine, Chalmers Brothers.

846

: 00:41:21

He's, he lives in Naples, Florida.

847

: 00:41:23

Um, the first book he wrote was

Language and The Pursuit of Happiness.

848

: 00:41:29

You can find it on Amazon, you

can find it on his website.

849

: 00:41:32

He wrote a second book

called, uh, language,

850

: 00:41:39

language and the Happiness

of Leadership Excellence.

851

: 00:41:42

That's more for business owners.

852

: 00:41:45

There's another book, and I forget the

gentleman's name, Charles somebody.

853

: 00:41:48

He wrote the Slim Book of Trust, and

he talks about the phenomenon of trust

854

: 00:41:53

and why trust is so essential to.

855

: 00:41:56

Is that it's necessary for any

kind of human interaction, right?

856

: 00:42:01

I mean, if you thought of some

psychotic ex murderer, you wouldn't

857

: 00:42:04

want anything to do with me, right?

858

: 00:42:06

That'd be zero Trust.

859

: 00:42:07

You might kill me at any moment.

860

: 00:42:08

I'm not playing that.

861

: 00:42:10

again, there's some people you know

that you would trust to meet you for

862

: 00:42:12

a movie, meet you for dinner, come

over for dinner, something like that.

863

: 00:42:15

But you wouldn't trust them to

loan 'em a thousand dollars.

864

: 00:42:19

Why?

865

: 00:42:20

' cause the, the blindness that

we as humans, dad, I either

866

: 00:42:23

trust you for everything.

867

: 00:42:24

I don't trust you at all.

868

: 00:42:26

But the fact is we actually

trust people in certain domains

869

: 00:42:29

of action and not in others.

870

: 00:42:32

trust is based on four things generally.

871

: 00:42:35

First is caring.

872

: 00:42:36

Do you care about me?

873

: 00:42:38

You know, are you, do you

care about my concerns?

874

: 00:42:40

Like you care about your concerns?

875

: 00:42:41

If you don't care about my concerns,

I dunno if I should trust you.

876

: 00:42:45

You know?

877

: 00:42:45

'cause you, if you're just in it for

you, I don't wanna have to make some

878

: 00:42:49

ironclad agreement that I have to

follow up and inspect everything, right?

879

: 00:42:53

To make sure that my

concerns are being met.

880

: 00:42:55

two would be sincerity.

881

: 00:42:57

In other words, when I hear words

coming outta your mouth and I observe

882

: 00:43:00

you saying them, do I think it's

matching what's going on in your brain?

883

: 00:43:04

no way to, no way to guarantee or

solidify either one of those assessments.

884

: 00:43:09

Those assessments that you make.

885

: 00:43:10

Now, again, the better you get at

assessing people and listening to people,

886

: 00:43:14

and listening to their listening, which

you can do, then you can get to be pretty

887

: 00:43:18

good about are, do you care about me?

888

: 00:43:21

Are you sincere?

889

: 00:43:22

Right?

890

: 00:43:23

And that's the big thing I get

when I, when I first start working

891

: 00:43:25

with clients, is we kind of do

an identity check of the owner.

892

: 00:43:29

And one of the common things I get from

employees, he doesn't care about me.

893

: 00:43:33

what they're saying is he doesn't

trust me and in revert, and at

894

: 00:43:35

the same time, I don't trust him.

895

: 00:43:38

If you don't care about me, just

what I, I'm gonna show up, do what I

896

: 00:43:41

gotta do to get paid, get my paycheck

when I go home, this place is gone.

897

: 00:43:46

The third thing is competence.

898

: 00:43:48

Can you do what you

say you're going to do?

899

: 00:43:51

Again, that's why McDonald's

says billions and billions serve.

900

: 00:43:54

Say Yes, we're competent.

901

: 00:43:56

And the fourth thing is reliability.

902

: 00:43:57

Again, McDonald's, billions

and billions serve.

903

: 00:44:00

Yes, we have a history of keeping our

promise, of serving mediocre hamburgers.

904

: 00:44:04

So again, thin book of trust.

905

: 00:44:06

It's, it's, I think it's

less than a hundred pages.

906

: 00:44:08

Really excellent book that

talks about all four of those.

907

: 00:44:11

Uh, you can find that on Amazon.

908

: 00:44:13

Uh, but yeah, Chalmers brothers, uh,

brilliant guy, good friend of mine,

909

: 00:44:19

Russell Newton: Palmers

was the first name.

910

: 00:44:21

Cary Prejean: Chalmers, C-H-A-L-M-E-R-S.

911

: 00:44:27

Russell Newton: pointing out the fact

that McDonald's doesn't wanna make

912

: 00:44:30

the best hamburger, um, I've been,

913

: 00:44:32

Cary Prejean: claimed to.

914

: 00:44:34

Russell Newton: no, no.

915

: 00:44:34

And, and no one would think they do.

916

: 00:44:37

Uh, but still they're,

they sell a lot of them.

917

: 00:44:41

I've been involved in some businesses.

918

: 00:44:42

I, I taught school for a while, uh, taught

high school and been involved in some that

919

: 00:44:51

by practice, got their mission

statement or whatever you wanna call

920

: 00:44:56

it, their self definition incorrect.

921

: 00:45:00

And once that was wrong,

everything is downhill from there.

922

: 00:45:04

It's a, there's an incongruity between

what, uh, maybe what I'm saying

923

: 00:45:09

and what I'm thinking, what I want

to happen, what I'm making happen.

924

: 00:45:13

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

925

: 00:45:13

Russell Newton: ties in so strongly to, to

many of the points that you've just made.

926

: 00:45:17

Cary Prejean: That's

the sincerity portion.

927

: 00:45:19

Russell Newton: Right.

928

: 00:45:20

Cary Prejean: expression?

929

: 00:45:20

Your action's so loud.

930

: 00:45:21

I can't hear the words you're saying

931

: 00:45:23

Russell Newton: Very good.

932

: 00:45:24

Yeah.

933

: 00:45:25

Yeah.

934

: 00:45:26

I was also reminded at some point of,

uh oh, now I've forgotten the book.

935

: 00:45:34

Gimme a second.

936

: 00:45:34

From the seventies.

937

: 00:45:35

We'll date ourselves here.

938

: 00:45:36

So we both know this book.

939

: 00:45:38

Um, he was a, a plastic surgeon

940

: 00:45:44

and he, he wrote a book about, one

of the first ones to talk about

941

: 00:45:47

visualizing is the same to your brain

as actually doing Maxwell Maltz.

942

: 00:45:52

Is that right?

943

: 00:45:53

Cary Prejean: that

944

: 00:45:55

Russell Newton: Maxwell,

uh, was it Maxwell Maltz?

945

: 00:45:58

Cary Prejean: uh, yeah, I'm not,

I'm not familiar with that name.

946

: 00:46:00

I'm not saying that's

947

: 00:46:01

Right.

948

: 00:46:02

visualization.

949

: 00:46:03

Like I said, same before.

950

: 00:46:04

Your brain doesn't know the difference,

whether it's practice or it's real.

951

: 00:46:08

Um, of the things we used to do in our

training was to have this thing called

952

: 00:46:11

an assessment circle, um, you're in

a circle, it might be 10, 12 people

953

: 00:46:17

and one at a time people go around

and make an assessment about you.

954

: 00:46:21

And generally you want

it to be a negative one.

955

: 00:46:24

what it does, it teaches the brain to,

I guess, disconnect from the automatic

956

: 00:46:29

reaction to where you asshole, you

know, how'd you, how dare you say.

957

: 00:46:33

And, uh, so what you want do is think

of some things, not that you think are

958

: 00:46:36

negative about the person, the things

they think are negative about themselves.

959

: 00:46:41

So the response that we would practice

is, thank you for that assessment.

960

: 00:46:45

give you the authority to

make that assessment about me.

961

: 00:46:48

Uh, and I open a future conversation with

you to dis, you know, discuss it further.

962

: 00:46:53

when people assess us, what they're really

talking about is, I saw you do X amount

963

: 00:46:57

of actions or these actions, and according

to these standards, I assess you thusly.

964

: 00:47:02

Right?

965

: 00:47:03

And, and for me, negative

assessments, especially a really

966

: 00:47:09

a request for different action.

967

: 00:47:10

'cause we're not,

968

: 00:47:14

if, if you're just standing there, and

again, some people are gonna have all

969

: 00:47:17

kinds of negative assessments just about

who you are because of your sex, your

970

: 00:47:20

height, your race, your everything else.

971

: 00:47:22

But mostly what we get assessed by

is our actions or lack of actions.

972

: 00:47:27

So a negative assessment is generally

request for different actions.

973

: 00:47:30

Now, again, that doesn't

mean they're right.

974

: 00:47:33

if you, if you start to get like

five, 10 people give the same

975

: 00:47:36

negative assessment, that's probably

something you wanna check out there,

976

: 00:47:40

Um, but listen, the world is full.

977

: 00:47:42

Like I said, half the world

thinks you're an asshole.

978

: 00:47:44

There are all kinds of random people that

will, you know, I've been riding my bike.

979

: 00:47:48

I, I I, and I don't ride near as much.

980

: 00:47:50

They used to, but I used to

ride probably 125 miles a week.

981

: 00:47:56

And I had, I've had people throwing coke

cans and beer cans and lit cigarettes

982

: 00:48:02

and all kinds of, I had one guy, up

beside me and he slowly got in front

983

: 00:48:06

of me and stop to, I had to stop.

984

: 00:48:09

And he rolls his way down and gives me

the one finger salute and dries off.

985

: 00:48:12

Like, what do you, I didn't

do anything to the guy.

986

: 00:48:15

I was riding my bike in the

street, which is totally loud

987

: 00:48:17

that there's even a bike lane.

988

: 00:48:18

He would just, okay, bye at him.

989

: 00:48:24

Um, so yeah, listen, there are, there

are random people that will, that's you

990

: 00:48:28

negatively and make sure you know it.

991

: 00:48:33

You know, so a different way to look at

it's, they're inviting you to suffer.

992

: 00:48:37

You don't have to accept, right.

993

: 00:48:40

Your choice, your choice of

being mad or sad or feeling bad

994

: 00:48:44

about yourself is up to you.

995

: 00:48:46

It's just an invitation to suffer.

996

: 00:48:48

I can decline.

997

: 00:48:50

Russell Newton: Uh, that's great.

998

: 00:48:53

Um, more stoicism there is that I

don't, uh, there is no suffering

999

: 00:48:58

except what I subject myself to.

: 1000

00:49:00,108 --> 00:49:04,548

The things just are, and a suffering is

a choice I make and how I react to it.

: 1001

00:49:04,548 --> 00:49:05,358

It's very strong.

: 1002

00:49:05,358 --> 00:49:09,708

I, I really like that negative

assessments, uh, and invitation to suffer.

: 1003

00:49:10,428 --> 00:49:10,908

I like that.

: 1004

00:49:10,929 --> 00:49:11,149

Cary Prejean: And,

: 1005

00:49:11,208 --> 00:49:12,018

Russell Newton: Listening.

: 1006

00:49:12,334 --> 00:49:12,724

Cary Prejean: go ahead.

: 1007

00:49:12,828 --> 00:49:12,978

Russell Newton: Yeah.

: 1008

00:49:12,978 --> 00:49:13,248

Go ahead.

: 1009

00:49:13,924 --> 00:49:17,044

Cary Prejean: No, I was just saying

as human beings we're, most people

: 1010

00:49:17,044 --> 00:49:21,334

are particularly gifted at making some

really mean and nasty characterization

: 1011

00:49:21,334 --> 00:49:22,804

about other people, you know?

: 1012

00:49:23,944 --> 00:49:27,364

and so there's a different way to,

there's a different way to live with

: 1013

00:49:27,364 --> 00:49:31,144

that kind of stuff instead of making

negative, uh, lemme put it this way.

: 1014

00:49:31,864 --> 00:49:35,254

of the things that I really learned

from this whole on ontology of language

: 1015

00:49:35,254 --> 00:49:39,064

and being able to coach people and

deal with things is to learn to

: 1016

00:49:39,874 --> 00:49:43,924

interact with the godliness in people

rather than deal with their garbage.

: 1017

00:49:43,954 --> 00:49:44,944

'cause that's what most people do.

: 1018

00:49:44,944 --> 00:49:45,754

They deal with their garbage.

: 1019

00:49:45,754 --> 00:49:48,274

What's the negative, what's, what's

the worst things I can, what,

: 1020

00:49:48,304 --> 00:49:50,269

what's some of the negative things

I can pick out about that person?

: 1021

00:49:50,269 --> 00:49:51,064

I'm gonna deal with that.

: 1022

00:49:51,844 --> 00:49:54,034

mess with that, but as opposed to

: 1023

00:49:56,344 --> 00:49:57,694

where's the godliness in them?

: 1024

00:49:59,179 --> 00:50:00,904

And, and, and that's summon everyone.

: 1025

00:50:01,144 --> 00:50:04,534

I mean, that's probably some really

totally evil people in the world.

: 1026

00:50:04,534 --> 00:50:09,866

I don't know any, but, and I, listen,

I've had some clients with sociopaths.

: 1027

00:50:10,414 --> 00:50:12,814

There wasn't a whole lot of

godliness there because there was

: 1028

00:50:12,866 --> 00:50:16,384

so much garbage you had to get

through to get to that person.

: 1029

00:50:16,744 --> 00:50:19,804

But when you could get to them,

at least for a little while,

: 1030

00:50:21,154 --> 00:50:22,054

they were a different person.

: 1031

00:50:23,764 --> 00:50:25,384

It was just so much work.

: 1032

00:50:25,594 --> 00:50:29,494

Again, I, I keep his client very long,

but it was so much work to get to that.

: 1033

00:50:30,274 --> 00:50:33,604

Um, to where you could actually

deal with them with their godliness.

: 1034

00:50:33,994 --> 00:50:38,644

Um, it, the, the work, it is just

too much work, much hassle, too much.

: 1035

00:50:38,674 --> 00:50:41,494

It's, it's not only that,

it's exhausting, right.

: 1036

00:50:43,294 --> 00:50:48,184

But yeah, that's, that's

something I try to focus on is

: 1037

00:50:50,884 --> 00:50:52,954

what is, what is this

person special offer?

: 1038

00:50:52,954 --> 00:50:57,094

Maybe they don't even know what is

their gift to the world, rather than,

: 1039

00:50:57,184 --> 00:50:58,414

eh, I don't like to wear their hair.

: 1040

00:50:58,414 --> 00:50:59,794

They, they look overweight.

: 1041

00:50:59,854 --> 00:51:03,874

Uh, they're the wrong age, they're

the wrong, they got a funny accent,

: 1042

00:51:03,874 --> 00:51:04,834

you know, all this kind of stuff.

: 1043

00:51:04,864 --> 00:51:07,474

And I know some people, they

just revel in that stuff.

: 1044

00:51:07,474 --> 00:51:08,884

They roll around in it.

: 1045

00:51:13,463 --> 00:51:13,853

Russell Newton: That's great.

: 1046

00:51:13,853 --> 00:51:15,623

What is this person's special offer?

: 1047

00:51:15,833 --> 00:51:17,468

I was taught, uh,

: 1048

00:51:20,198 --> 00:51:25,523

through, well, really through high

school, every person knows something.

: 1049

00:51:25,553 --> 00:51:26,273

I don't know.

: 1050

00:51:26,723 --> 00:51:31,823

Therefore, every person, uh, can be

my teacher and I need to seek out

: 1051

00:51:31,853 --> 00:51:36,983

that thing within them that they know

and, and learn something from them.

: 1052

00:51:37,493 --> 00:51:40,373

Um, ties in what is this

person's special offer?

: 1053

00:51:40,373 --> 00:51:42,233

I like that the, the phrasing of that,

: 1054

00:51:42,964 --> 00:51:44,734

Cary Prejean: Yeah, no, absolutely.

: 1055

00:51:45,094 --> 00:51:46,864

There's something to learn from everybody.

: 1056

00:51:47,314 --> 00:51:49,954

Um, and we as Americans always

want like the drive through answer.

: 1057

00:51:49,954 --> 00:51:50,674

Just tell me the answer.

: 1058

00:51:50,989 --> 00:51:51,514

I I don't have

: 1059

00:51:51,518 --> 00:51:51,878

Russell Newton: Right.

: 1060

00:51:52,178 --> 00:51:54,184

Cary Prejean: do all this work and

like study and actually learn it.

: 1061

00:51:54,184 --> 00:51:55,564

Learn it, tell me the answer.

: 1062

00:51:55,894 --> 00:51:59,044

And it's in that kind of a mood that's

sort of an arrogant, already know

: 1063

00:51:59,044 --> 00:52:00,484

everything, just gimme the answer.

: 1064

00:52:00,874 --> 00:52:04,474

That we cheat ourselves out of all

kinds of learning and life experiences

: 1065

00:52:04,474 --> 00:52:05,914

and really discovering other people.

: 1066

00:52:09,528 --> 00:52:14,208

Russell Newton: You mentioned the, the

phrase a few times about an ontological

: 1067

00:52:14,328 --> 00:52:19,859

coach that if I saw it correctly,

that's a, um, is it a certification

: 1068

00:52:20,159 --> 00:52:20,579

Cary Prejean: yes,

: 1069

00:52:20,598 --> 00:52:21,558

Russell Newton: through an organization?

: 1070

00:52:21,558 --> 00:52:22,608

Is that, did I read it right?

: 1071

00:52:22,709 --> 00:52:25,709

Cary Prejean: mine was with

Newfield Group back in: 1992

: 1072

00:52:26,519 --> 00:52:31,709

Uh, again, the, the, the concept of the

discipline of the ontology language was

: 1073

00:52:31,709 --> 00:52:36,599

developed by a Chilean, uh, Fernando

Flores, a brilliant, brilliant guy.

: 1074

00:52:36,599 --> 00:52:39,029

I think he was reading like

a book a day, just about.

: 1075

00:52:39,329 --> 00:52:44,279

He was in the, I think, in Chile when

the CIA threw it over, and he was

: 1076

00:52:44,279 --> 00:52:49,529

in prison for like three years and

he was tortured somewhat and stuff.

: 1077

00:52:49,529 --> 00:52:53,909

He finally let go, but he

was prison that he began the.

: 1078

00:52:55,004 --> 00:52:58,964

about, you know, what is this, what is

reality and the whole thing of language.

: 1079

00:52:58,964 --> 00:53:00,524

And that's what makes us who we are.

: 1080

00:53:00,524 --> 00:53:03,374

And, and he developed this

thing, natology of language.

: 1081

00:53:03,374 --> 00:53:04,514

A brilliant guy I was in.

: 1082

00:53:04,574 --> 00:53:08,234

I was in, uh, he was one

of the facilitators for one

: 1083

00:53:08,234 --> 00:53:09,314

of the courses I was in.

: 1084

00:53:09,464 --> 00:53:12,524

And, uh, I mean, he, he

was amazing to watch.

: 1085

00:53:12,524 --> 00:53:13,514

Now he was kind of brutal.

: 1086

00:53:15,014 --> 00:53:18,764

He was kind of, he did not, he did

not put up with a lot of bullshit.

: 1087

00:53:20,324 --> 00:53:24,434

but these other people, Newfield

group in particular were Julio Alah

: 1088

00:53:24,824 --> 00:53:28,694

at Raphael et um, I don't know.

: 1089

00:53:28,694 --> 00:53:31,694

I, I think the Raphael might have

gone on and done some of the un

: 1090

00:53:32,114 --> 00:53:36,404

Julio still it's new field, not

the new field group anymore.

: 1091

00:53:36,404 --> 00:53:39,194

It's new field resources.

: 1092

00:53:39,314 --> 00:53:43,394

And his daughter is now, I

think she's one of the people.

: 1093

00:53:44,204 --> 00:53:45,614

In the higher ups in the company.

: 1094

00:53:46,874 --> 00:53:48,614

but again, another brewing guy.

: 1095

00:53:48,614 --> 00:53:51,194

Very compassionate, very caring.

: 1096

00:53:51,884 --> 00:53:56,234

His coaching, unlike Fernando's,

was always about what?

: 1097

00:53:56,264 --> 00:53:56,864

Healing.

: 1098

00:53:57,014 --> 00:54:01,184

Putting people back together, giving

them a different interpretation that they

: 1099

00:54:01,184 --> 00:54:04,079

could be empowered by rather than bad.

: 1100

00:54:04,274 --> 00:54:05,654

'cause Fernando was good at that.

: 1101

00:54:05,659 --> 00:54:09,044

He would, he would slice you in the

ice, you leaving a million pieces,

: 1102

00:54:09,044 --> 00:54:12,884

and then he'd put you back together,

which Julio doesn't do the, he

: 1103

00:54:12,884 --> 00:54:14,594

doesn't do the disassembly first.

: 1104

00:54:15,524 --> 00:54:16,184

brilliant guy.

: 1105

00:54:16,184 --> 00:54:18,104

He, you know, he actually,

I have a picture of him.

: 1106

00:54:18,104 --> 00:54:19,904

He was, he's been to my house a few times.

: 1107

00:54:20,084 --> 00:54:20,354

Actually.

: 1108

00:54:20,354 --> 00:54:26,234

I have a picture of him holding now my

30, she'll be 34 next month as an infant.

: 1109

00:54:27,554 --> 00:54:29,114

Um, wonderful coaches.

: 1110

00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:31,514

Raphael's gift was more writing.

: 1111

00:54:32,444 --> 00:54:37,574

Um, but again, Umberto, uh, MAANA, he

was, uh, also chilan the biologist.

: 1112

00:54:38,399 --> 00:54:43,439

Um, I mean these, these guys, these, I

don't know how it got to be out outside

: 1113

00:54:43,439 --> 00:54:50,849

of Flores was with other Chileans and

they got into it, but it is, uh, Thomas

: 1114

00:54:50,849 --> 00:54:54,239

brothers, he's ontological coach, right?

: 1115

00:54:54,329 --> 00:54:56,849

He's the one who wrote the book

about the five speech acts.

: 1116

00:54:57,329 --> 00:55:01,349

Being an observer of the observer

that you are, what it takes to

: 1117

00:55:01,349 --> 00:55:02,669

really get ahold of your narrative.

: 1118

00:55:03,539 --> 00:55:05,729

able to see you as other people see you.

: 1119

00:55:06,629 --> 00:55:10,679

A different way to say it the way

I've described, it's you have a,

: 1120

00:55:10,709 --> 00:55:13,019

you have a narrative, you have

a discourse, but it's back here.

: 1121

00:55:13,379 --> 00:55:14,399

You can see my hands.

: 1122

00:55:14,399 --> 00:55:16,679

I can't, I mean, I can see

on the screen, but I can't.

: 1123

00:55:16,889 --> 00:55:18,029

And so the narrative's always here.

: 1124

00:55:18,029 --> 00:55:20,729

It's pretty easy for other

people to see, but I can't.

: 1125

00:55:21,419 --> 00:55:23,939

what the ontology of language

does is kind of shows you Oh yeah.

: 1126

00:55:23,939 --> 00:55:25,739

That that's what you look

like to other people.

: 1127

00:55:26,219 --> 00:55:28,169

Very humbling experience most of the time.

: 1128

00:55:29,189 --> 00:55:29,249

I.

: 1129

00:55:29,249 --> 00:55:32,309

Yeah, but it allows

you to start, oh, okay.

: 1130

00:55:32,309 --> 00:55:36,149

That I can see how that assessment,

what I used to believe is the truth.

: 1131

00:55:36,629 --> 00:55:37,859

Very disempowering for me.

: 1132

00:55:37,859 --> 00:55:39,299

It's causing me a lot of suffering.

: 1133

00:55:39,569 --> 00:55:40,499

I need to change it.

: 1134

00:55:40,499 --> 00:55:43,619

But again, the narrative

has been there a while.

: 1135

00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:46,589

It's got a ton of

evidence that it's right.

: 1136

00:55:47,039 --> 00:55:48,299

It's not gonna go away.

: 1137

00:55:49,079 --> 00:55:50,789

It's not gonna go away

politely and quietly.

: 1138

00:55:50,999 --> 00:55:55,319

In fact, it's always gonna kind of

be there in the back a little bit.

: 1139

00:55:55,319 --> 00:55:57,179

You can de, you can turn

the volume way down.

: 1140

00:55:57,509 --> 00:56:00,749

Um, fairly impossible to turn

it all the way off forever.

: 1141

00:56:04,518 --> 00:56:07,323

Russell Newton: It's interesting of

the number of viewpoints that we have.

: 1142

00:56:07,323 --> 00:56:10,533

Of course, every conversation

has a different background.

: 1143

00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:14,728

You know, we, we bring different

expertise into conversations, but.

: 1144

00:56:15,483 --> 00:56:18,873

As you boil these down and is done

in, in a lot of the books that I've

: 1145

00:56:19,083 --> 00:56:23,463

narrated, uh, for Peter Hollands

and others, there's the core things

: 1146

00:56:23,521 --> 00:56:28,113

that you might get down to them in

different ways, but they're still there.

: 1147

00:56:28,863 --> 00:56:34,923

A true understanding of what is not what

you think it is or what your perception of

: 1148

00:56:34,923 --> 00:56:37,893

it is, a true relationship with yourself.

: 1149

00:56:37,893 --> 00:56:42,843

What are my values, uh,

and how am I true to those?

: 1150

00:56:42,843 --> 00:56:45,633

And when you're not,

things start to go wrong.

: 1151

00:56:46,124 --> 00:56:46,414

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

: 1152

00:56:46,863 --> 00:56:50,493

Russell Newton: the concept of

not it, it's not an easy task.

: 1153

00:56:50,673 --> 00:56:54,003

Getting in that comfort zone or

getting out of your comfort zone

: 1154

00:56:54,003 --> 00:56:57,693

to accomplish some of that change

can be anywhere from mildly to

: 1155

00:56:57,693 --> 00:56:59,883

extremely stressful and uncomfortable.

: 1156

00:57:00,294 --> 00:57:00,514

Cary Prejean: Yep.

: 1157

00:57:01,683 --> 00:57:05,343

Russell Newton: so different

approaches and different phrasings,

: 1158

00:57:05,763 --> 00:57:08,793

uh, but similar principles.

: 1159

00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:12,063

It always strikes me, uh, in, in

talking with people, the different

: 1160

00:57:12,063 --> 00:57:13,623

approaches, and as you said.

: 1161

00:57:15,108 --> 00:57:19,188

Your per a person's per I'd say you

in the general sense it, you're only

: 1162

00:57:19,188 --> 00:57:20,531

gonna click with certain people.

: 1163

00:57:21,348 --> 00:57:26,358

You and I are of an age, uh, and I could

see a, a younger listener of twenties,

: 1164

00:57:26,358 --> 00:57:31,338

somebody in their twenties seeing two

retirement age, uh, people yapping on.

: 1165

00:57:31,338 --> 00:57:33,888

It's like, uh, you know, Xers, yeah.

: 1166

00:57:34,098 --> 00:57:35,658

Uh, sit down, boomer.

: 1167

00:57:35,658 --> 00:57:36,648

We don't need any of that.

: 1168

00:57:36,679 --> 00:57:40,848

But, uh, there is the, hopefully

the, some knowledge and even

: 1169

00:57:40,848 --> 00:57:44,088

beyond that, some wisdom that comes

with, uh, seeing these things.

: 1170

00:57:44,958 --> 00:57:49,218

We're closing in on our time.

: 1171

00:57:49,368 --> 00:57:52,578

Uh, we're not right up on it,

but I, I don't want to short the

: 1172

00:57:52,578 --> 00:57:54,168

last few questions that I have.

: 1173

00:57:54,708 --> 00:57:58,608

If you were going to list a couple

of seven habits of what, of yourself

: 1174

00:57:58,608 --> 00:58:00,198

or other highly successful people?

: 1175

00:58:00,663 --> 00:58:03,633

What might those be that a

younger individual should look to

: 1176

00:58:03,633 --> 00:58:07,473

incorporate into their, into their

lives on a daily, regular basis?

: 1177

00:58:07,923 --> 00:58:11,673

And then what final piece of advice

would you give to our listeners

: 1178

00:58:11,673 --> 00:58:14,943

to, to maybe sum up or maybe expand

the conversations that we've had?

: 1179

00:58:15,274 --> 00:58:15,564

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

: 1180

00:58:16,529 --> 00:58:17,639

I don't know if I have seven.

: 1181

00:58:17,729 --> 00:58:18,179

Um,

: 1182

00:58:19,023 --> 00:58:19,863

Russell Newton: No, no, that's fine.

: 1183

00:58:20,189 --> 00:58:20,579

Cary Prejean: yeah.

: 1184

00:58:20,913 --> 00:58:22,023

Russell Newton: Two or

three, whatever you have.

: 1185

00:58:22,169 --> 00:58:24,539

Cary Prejean: yeah, one of

the things I always, I really.

: 1186

00:58:24,974 --> 00:58:27,434

How you get people focused on is

what it's gonna to satisfy you.

: 1187

00:58:28,184 --> 00:58:29,024

is the enough action?

: 1188

00:58:29,084 --> 00:58:30,164

What domain of action?

: 1189

00:58:30,644 --> 00:58:36,914

And you know, you know, 37 years ago, one

of my ma, my major mentor outside of my

: 1190

00:58:36,914 --> 00:58:38,684

father said, do you wanna things life?

: 1191

00:58:38,774 --> 00:58:39,374

I said, yeah.

: 1192

00:58:40,034 --> 00:58:44,204

He goes, being ultimately satisfied,

getting exactly what you want.

: 1193

00:58:44,324 --> 00:58:45,224

I said, man, that's great.

: 1194

00:58:45,224 --> 00:58:46,034

He goes, you know how to get it.

: 1195

00:58:46,124 --> 00:58:47,444

You ask what you want.

: 1196

00:58:48,164 --> 00:58:51,044

yeah, but before that he

says, know what you want.

: 1197

00:58:51,914 --> 00:58:55,754

If you don't know what you want

and anything will do, you'll

: 1198

00:58:55,754 --> 00:58:56,924

probably never be satisfied.

: 1199

00:58:56,924 --> 00:58:59,834

In fact, if you don't declare again,

if you don't declare satisfaction,

: 1200

00:58:59,834 --> 00:59:00,854

you will never be satisfied.

: 1201

00:59:01,184 --> 00:59:02,384

So take some time.

: 1202

00:59:02,384 --> 00:59:03,434

It's not gonna be easy.

: 1203

00:59:03,434 --> 00:59:04,454

It's not gonna be quick.

: 1204

00:59:04,634 --> 00:59:06,914

Always be asking yourself,

what would satisfy me?

: 1205

00:59:06,914 --> 00:59:10,934

What would be enough action here

I would, you know, I would get it.

: 1206

00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,784

Um, again, so every.

: 1207

00:59:14,564 --> 00:59:18,134

Part of your life requires that kind of

reflection, whether it's your hobbies,

: 1208

00:59:18,134 --> 00:59:23,594

your body, your relationship, your money,

your job, your career, all of that.

: 1209

00:59:23,684 --> 00:59:25,124

Um, so that's one place.

: 1210

00:59:25,124 --> 00:59:26,774

It's always focusing on satisfaction.

: 1211

00:59:27,914 --> 00:59:30,524

It leads to a much more rewarding life.

: 1212

00:59:31,274 --> 00:59:34,064

other thing would be to

practice what I call acceptance.

: 1213

00:59:34,154 --> 00:59:38,144

And I'm talking about acceptance

of what's, so, like what

: 1214

00:59:38,144 --> 00:59:39,344

are the facts of your life?

: 1215

00:59:40,094 --> 00:59:41,763

I kind of went through

a short list of mine.

: 1216

00:59:42,224 --> 00:59:43,124

What are the facts of your life?

: 1217

00:59:43,124 --> 00:59:46,154

You know, have you, whatever they

are, especially the ones you're,

: 1218

00:59:46,244 --> 00:59:47,264

you're not comfortable with.

: 1219

00:59:47,264 --> 00:59:49,424

The ones you don't like, you know?

: 1220

00:59:49,514 --> 00:59:52,184

Uh, I know one guy, he was

like, I'm, I'm too short.

: 1221

00:59:53,564 --> 00:59:54,434

Too short for what?

: 1222

00:59:55,044 --> 00:59:56,819

Too short for life, you know?

: 1223

00:59:56,819 --> 00:59:59,189

Well I want to want to,

I wanna play basketball.

: 1224

00:59:59,189 --> 01:00:00,599

It's always been too short, you know?

: 1225

01:00:00,599 --> 01:00:03,539

And you part, there's this one

pro guy named, what's it called?

: 1226

01:00:03,539 --> 01:00:04,049

Spud.

: 1227

01:00:04,889 --> 01:00:05,243

could actually

: 1228

01:00:05,543 --> 01:00:05,813

Russell Newton: Web.

: 1229

01:00:06,329 --> 01:00:06,689

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

: 1230

01:00:07,109 --> 01:00:08,339

I think the guy could actually dunk.

: 1231

01:00:08,399 --> 01:00:08,933

I said, so,

: 1232

01:00:09,233 --> 01:00:09,323

Russell Newton: Mm-hmm.

: 1233

01:00:09,449 --> 01:00:12,539

Cary Prejean: you know, maybe you let

that limited conversation, I'm too

: 1234

01:00:12,539 --> 01:00:16,619

short stop you from playing basketball

more and actually learn some skills.

: 1235

01:00:16,619 --> 01:00:20,759

They have people who are, you know,

short for the NBA who've made it.

: 1236

01:00:21,239 --> 01:00:25,379

So at the same time, don't beat

yourself up that, oh, I live by now.

: 1237

01:00:25,472 --> 01:00:29,519

Just be okay with I'm short, I

am five five, or whatever it was.

: 1238

01:00:30,359 --> 01:00:32,159

And I'm equipped for living.

: 1239

01:00:32,639 --> 01:00:32,999

Right.

: 1240

01:00:33,719 --> 01:00:37,499

practicing what's so about yourself

as well as what's possible.

: 1241

01:00:38,249 --> 01:00:41,069

practicing that acceptance and,

and what's possible is what's gonna

: 1242

01:00:41,069 --> 01:00:44,320

generate the ambition, the excitement,

the wanting to get up in the morning,

: 1243

01:00:44,759 --> 01:00:45,989

the wanting to take more action.

: 1244

01:00:46,799 --> 01:00:46,829

I.

: 1245

01:00:46,949 --> 01:00:51,269

But the, if you want the peace and the

joy and the gratitude, practicing that,

: 1246

01:00:51,269 --> 01:00:53,129

it's acceptance of what's so about you.

: 1247

01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:55,529

Like what, how's that thing go?

: 1248

01:00:56,699 --> 01:01:02,309

gratitude is not one of the things

you have, it's having the, no, it's

: 1249

01:01:02,309 --> 01:01:04,829

not wanting to have different things.

: 1250

01:01:04,829 --> 01:01:08,339

I forget how it goes, but instead of

just warning what you don't have, be

: 1251

01:01:08,339 --> 01:01:12,899

grateful what you do have, basically, you

know, 'cause it can all get taken away.

: 1252

01:01:13,679 --> 01:01:14,129

All of it.

: 1253

01:01:14,939 --> 01:01:18,779

Um, I mean, even things like,

are you familiar with movie?

: 1254

01:01:18,839 --> 01:01:22,018

Uh, any given Sunday, Al

Pacino plays the head coach.

: 1255

01:01:22,318 --> 01:01:22,678

Russell Newton: not seen it.

: 1256

01:01:22,738 --> 01:01:22,958

No.

: 1257

01:01:23,009 --> 01:01:23,258

Cary Prejean: Okay.

: 1258

01:01:23,309 --> 01:01:26,819

There's a halftime speech he gives and

he's, it's like a championship game.

: 1259

01:01:27,629 --> 01:01:30,968

again, I never would've envisioned

Al Pacino as a head football coach.

: 1260

01:01:31,268 --> 01:01:31,618

Russell Newton: Right.

: 1261

01:01:31,919 --> 01:01:38,609

Cary Prejean: he gives a fantastic speech

and he starts it with, as you get older.

: 1262

01:01:39,809 --> 01:01:41,129

Things get taken away from you.

: 1263

01:01:41,879 --> 01:01:43,139

like, what the hell is he talking about?

: 1264

01:01:43,559 --> 01:01:45,659

And as I got older, know, what

the hell is he talking about?

: 1265

01:01:45,659 --> 01:01:47,849

You start to lose friends,

you start to lose family.

: 1266

01:01:48,269 --> 01:01:50,574

You start to lose your hearing,

start to lose your sight.

: 1267

01:01:50,954 --> 01:01:53,972

You don't start using a,

losing a youthful body.

: 1268

01:01:54,149 --> 01:01:55,349

You start to lose your memory.

: 1269

01:01:55,499 --> 01:01:57,089

All that just gets taken away from you.

: 1270

01:01:57,089 --> 01:01:57,929

You don't have a choice.

: 1271

01:01:58,379 --> 01:02:02,759

It just gets taken from, you do

start things counteract, but aging

: 1272

01:02:02,759 --> 01:02:05,729

is, sucks as the saying goes.

: 1273

01:02:06,899 --> 01:02:09,959

being able to accept that, yeah,

I'm 70 and my body doesn't do what

: 1274

01:02:09,959 --> 01:02:11,759

it, what it used to be able to do.

: 1275

01:02:12,989 --> 01:02:15,479

and it, you know, I can see

this gradual degradation.

: 1276

01:02:15,509 --> 01:02:16,859

It's just, and I'm okay with that.

: 1277

01:02:18,089 --> 01:02:23,249

Um, so yeah, practicing acceptance,

practicing that will allow you to practice

: 1278

01:02:23,249 --> 01:02:25,169

gratitude, peace, joy, and ambition.

: 1279

01:02:25,619 --> 01:02:26,429

The other thing is,

: 1280

01:02:28,889 --> 01:02:35,369

um, and I, and I say this all the time,

what we get paid for, what we get rewarded

: 1281

01:02:35,369 --> 01:02:37,979

for in life is the results we produce.

: 1282

01:02:38,714 --> 01:02:41,324

What most people live by

is the reasons why not.

: 1283

01:02:42,434 --> 01:02:44,684

So which one are you gonna,

which one are you gonna work on?

: 1284

01:02:44,924 --> 01:02:46,754

Producing results that

you say you're gonna do?

: 1285

01:02:46,754 --> 01:02:48,584

You're gonna have all the

reasons why you couldn't do it.

: 1286

01:02:49,214 --> 01:02:53,413

'cause nobody wants to pay for reasons

why not, or set a different way.

: 1287

01:02:53,413 --> 01:02:55,064

Are you committed to your commitments?

: 1288

01:02:55,274 --> 01:02:56,624

Are you committed to your reasons?

: 1289

01:02:56,624 --> 01:03:02,294

And by that I mean when I say commitment,

I, my definition of commitment is I accept

: 1290

01:03:02,294 --> 01:03:05,714

no excuse that this does not happen.

: 1291

01:03:08,444 --> 01:03:08,834

When,

: 1292

01:03:12,104 --> 01:03:15,014

when you approach things

with that intentionality,

: 1293

01:03:19,034 --> 01:03:19,994

what's gonna get you away?

: 1294

01:03:21,794 --> 01:03:22,904

You know nothing.

: 1295

01:03:24,179 --> 01:03:27,538

So you want the result you say you

wanted versus, ah, I had a story.

: 1296

01:03:27,538 --> 01:03:28,469

The moon wasn't right.

: 1297

01:03:28,469 --> 01:03:29,788

My canary had a hangnail.

: 1298

01:03:29,969 --> 01:03:31,019

I wasn't feeling it.

: 1299

01:03:31,019 --> 01:03:33,449

You know, I was born,

I wasn't tall enough.

: 1300

01:03:33,509 --> 01:03:33,959

Whatever.

: 1301

01:03:33,959 --> 01:03:35,129

You have all these reasons why not?

: 1302

01:03:35,129 --> 01:03:35,879

Nobody cared.

: 1303

01:03:35,909 --> 01:03:36,959

Nobody give a shit.

: 1304

01:03:37,769 --> 01:03:38,639

cares about your reasons.

: 1305

01:03:38,639 --> 01:03:39,119

Why not?

: 1306

01:03:39,359 --> 01:03:40,229

They're a diamond dozen.

: 1307

01:03:40,679 --> 01:03:43,559

'cause my mama locked me the up

compartment when I was two years old.

: 1308

01:03:43,709 --> 01:03:44,459

That's my reason.

: 1309

01:03:46,139 --> 01:03:51,089

Makes about as much sense or has enough as

about enough interest as everything else.

: 1310

01:03:51,089 --> 01:03:51,749

Reasons why not.

: 1311

01:03:52,559 --> 01:03:56,669

So if you really want to, what's

the word I'm looking for here?

: 1312

01:03:56,909 --> 01:04:02,038

If you really want to be a contribution,

be committed to some results

: 1313

01:04:02,038 --> 01:04:04,679

that serve other people, right?

: 1314

01:04:05,099 --> 01:04:09,989

Be committed to be committed to the gift

that you are, that everybody's a gift.

: 1315

01:04:11,313 --> 01:04:11,943

Russell Newton: That's great.

: 1316

01:04:18,033 --> 01:04:18,573

That's great.

: 1317

01:04:18,603 --> 01:04:19,593

Thank you very much.

: 1318

01:04:19,743 --> 01:04:22,818

Do you want to, uh, do you want to give

a plug about your book before we go?

: 1319

01:04:22,908 --> 01:04:24,048

Or your books I should say?

: 1320

01:04:25,134 --> 01:04:27,534

Cary Prejean: Um, I

have two books in print.

: 1321

01:04:27,534 --> 01:04:30,264

The third one is at the

printer, one is called Optimize.

: 1322

01:04:30,264 --> 01:04:31,884

Again, I wrote these for business owners.

: 1323

01:04:32,124 --> 01:04:34,224

So if you're not a business

owner, you have no intention

: 1324

01:04:34,224 --> 01:04:35,304

of being a business owner.

: 1325

01:04:35,739 --> 01:04:38,049

You are welcome to get

that both at Amazon.

: 1326

01:04:38,499 --> 01:04:40,869

Uh, this one Send Secrets every

business owner should know.

: 1327

01:04:42,459 --> 01:04:45,429

Um, but again, like I said, they're,

they're gear towards business owners.

: 1328

01:04:45,699 --> 01:04:48,999

If you, if you're okay with a PDF

copy, you can go to my website,

: 1329

01:04:49,179 --> 01:04:52,719

strategic Business Owners, uh,

strategic business advisors.org.

: 1330

01:04:53,109 --> 01:04:56,649

You can download pdf DF copies

of both books absolutely free.

: 1331

01:04:58,389 --> 01:05:03,369

Um, but like I say, the, this

one especially talks more about

: 1332

01:05:04,689 --> 01:05:05,919

what is it to be an entrepreneur.

: 1333

01:05:06,249 --> 01:05:09,249

What I, what I was trying to do is

give entrepreneurs a, a, a sort of a

: 1334

01:05:09,249 --> 01:05:12,639

picture, a linguistic picture of how

they, how they look in the world, how

: 1335

01:05:12,639 --> 01:05:18,129

they come across, how parts of them

very empower part of their perspective.

: 1336

01:05:18,129 --> 01:05:19,269

It's very empowering.

: 1337

01:05:19,599 --> 01:05:25,214

There's other parts that are very

disempowering, So if you, I guess

: 1338

01:05:25,299 --> 01:05:27,639

if you're not an entrepreneurial,

if you're more of the 80%, they

: 1339

01:05:27,639 --> 01:05:29,169

just wanna set a job in a paycheck.

: 1340

01:05:30,819 --> 01:05:33,579

I mean, you maybe say, oh yeah,

I had a boss just like that.

: 1341

01:05:33,669 --> 01:05:34,299

Total asshole.

: 1342

01:05:35,769 --> 01:05:38,739

And the other one really,

this is more about practical.

: 1343

01:05:39,774 --> 01:05:42,999

Practical, what can you do to make

your business more profitable?

: 1344

01:05:43,659 --> 01:05:46,779

Uh, but really, if you're looking for

something in terms of the ontology of

: 1345

01:05:46,779 --> 01:05:51,429

language, I highly recommend Chalmers, at

least this first book, happiness, I mean,

: 1346

01:05:51,429 --> 01:05:53,259

a language in the pursuit of happiness.

: 1347

01:05:54,459 --> 01:05:56,499

It breaks it down, easy to read.

: 1348

01:05:56,799 --> 01:05:58,749

The concept is easy to get.

: 1349

01:05:59,439 --> 01:06:04,059

And again, I was amazed that when I got

into this, this learning that no one

: 1350

01:06:04,059 --> 01:06:06,969

had written a book and then he wrote it.

: 1351

01:06:07,599 --> 01:06:11,439

I think the Forward is, the Forward for

that book was actually written by Julio

: 1352

01:06:11,439 --> 01:06:15,069

Alala, uh, probably one of the better

coaches I've ever seen in my life.

: 1353

01:06:15,849 --> 01:06:19,089

Um, it was, they, that guy

was, he was amazing to watch.

: 1354

01:06:20,139 --> 01:06:25,599

Um, so yeah, tho those are my, I

have a third one coming out, and

: 1355

01:06:25,599 --> 01:06:29,799

it's really based on the, the, uh, 12

strategies I use to help businesses

: 1356

01:06:29,799 --> 01:06:31,089

double their profits in a year.

: 1357

01:06:31,944 --> 01:06:34,824

again, if you're not a business

owner, don't worry about it.

: 1358

01:06:35,274 --> 01:06:37,314

Uh, you, you wouldn't

get anything out of it.

: 1359

01:06:37,314 --> 01:06:38,184

Probably wouldn't enjoy it.

: 1360

01:06:40,573 --> 01:06:41,743

Russell Newton: Alright, great.

: 1361

01:06:43,213 --> 01:06:46,993

Uh, alright listeners,

thanks for joining us today.

: 1362

01:06:46,993 --> 01:06:47,713

We appreciate it.

: 1363

01:06:48,013 --> 01:06:50,363

Thanks to our guest, Cary Prejean.

: 1364

01:06:50,413 --> 01:06:51,913

Did I still get it right

after an hour and a half.

: 1365

01:06:52,254 --> 01:06:53,424

Cary Prejean: Close enough, close enough.

: 1366

01:06:53,533 --> 01:06:54,313

Russell Newton: Close enough.

: 1367

01:06:55,783 --> 01:06:56,353

Alright.

: 1368

01:06:56,683 --> 01:06:58,633

Uh, thanks for being with us.

: 1369

01:06:58,753 --> 01:07:01,783

Uh, listeners, be sure to check

out those resources online

: 1370

01:07:02,083 --> 01:07:03,673

and we'll see you next week.