full

full
Published on:

11th Mar 2022

Unlock The Secrets Of Communication: Master Your Style & Build Rapport

00:00:00 Communication Skills Training

00:01:48 Identify Your Communication Style.

00:19:22 Psychological Barriers To Communication.

00:33:36 Other Bad Communication Habits To Avoid.

00:45:05 The Rapport Game.

00:46:25 Mirroring And Matching.

01:06:20 Expressing Without Speaking.

01:21:12 The Four Ps Of Voice.

01:23:41 How To Improve Your Vocal Variety.

Communication Skills Training: How to Talk to Anyone, Speak with Clarity, & Handle Any Situation (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 24) By: Patrick King


Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/3GAwNag


https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BK7BM72C


You are missing out on so many relationships in your life. Make sure it never happens again!


Communication is the bedrock of our relationships. But we often don’t know how to express ourselves, or truly hear others. Make sure that you are not letting amazing people pass you by.


Increase your social and emotional awareness.


Communication Skills Training is truly about arming you with the tools you need for effective expression, listening, and relationships. Communication is the primary contributor to the relationships we attract in our lives, and this book takes you through almost every aspect of successful connection.


Imagine being able to walk into a room and make friends with strangers, avoid conflict, and have a charismatic presence. It’s not so tough, it just needs purposeful practice. This book will be your best field guide to knowing how to deal with people, their emotions, and your own emotions.


Get ahead in your career – because communication skills gets promotions, not technical skills.


Patrick King is an internationally bestselling author and social skills coach. His writing draws of a variety of sources, from scientific research, academic experience, coaching, and real-life experience.


The keys to preventing and dealing with conflict or other uncomfortable situations.


Identify your communication style, and why it might be holding you back


Exactly how much eye contact to use for emotional connection


One acronym to substantially improve your conversations


How to “hear” people’s emotions and make people trust you


Defusing conflict and tough situations


How to say no and assert yourself to anyone


An ancient Greek persuasion technique that works in any situation


Read people like a book – their emotions, feelings, and thoughts!


#Communication #CommunicationSkillsTraining #CommunicationStyle #PassiveCommunicator #PatrickKing #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #CommunicationSkillsTraining #UnlockTheSecretsOfCommunication: #MasterYourStyle&BuildRapport


Transcript
Speaker:

Communication Skills Training:

Speaker:

How to Talk to Anyone,

Speaker:

Speak with Clarity,

Speaker:

& Handle Any Situation (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 24)

Speaker:

Written by

Speaker:

Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.

Speaker:

Communication is everything.

Speaker:

No matter who you are or what you are trying to achieve in your life,

Speaker:

improving your communication skills is a must.

Speaker:

It’s a strange fact that human beings are expected to just know how to

Speaker:

communicate—despite so many of us finding it challenging or unpleasant!

Speaker:

The truth is that good communication takes time,

Speaker:

effort,

Speaker:

and know-how.

Speaker:

It follows known principles and laws.

Speaker:

Luckily,

Speaker:

being a charismatic speaker,

Speaker:

empathetic listener,

Speaker:

and skillful negotiator and mediator is not something reserved for the select

Speaker:

few—it’s something that anyone can do if only you understand these laws.

Speaker:

There is certainly not enough space in just one book to cover all the

Speaker:

multifaceted ways that communication can be finetuned and tweaked.

Speaker:

But in the following chapters,

Speaker:

we’re going to explore some of the most popular concepts and principles so

Speaker:

you feel empowered to start making positive changes right now.

Speaker:

One idea that we will return to frequently is the overall purpose of

Speaker:

communication.

Speaker:

We reach out to one another to connect,

Speaker:

to meet our needs,

Speaker:

to express ourselves,

Speaker:

and to solve problems.

Speaker:

Therefore,

Speaker:

the best mindset to adopt on our mission to become better communicators is the

Speaker:

one that will best allow us to do just that - connect.

Speaker:

Identify Your Communication Style.

Speaker:

When learning how to communicate better,

Speaker:

it’s important to understand your exact starting point,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

how good is your communication ability currently?

Speaker:

If you’ve picked up this book,

Speaker:

chances are there are some aspects of the way you communicate that you’ve

Speaker:

identified as needing improvement.

Speaker:

But communication is not just one skill,

Speaker:

but a complex mix of many.

Speaker:

On top of that,

Speaker:

there are different styles of communication.

Speaker:

Even if you don’t consider yourself a good communicator currently,

Speaker:

you have a unique and characteristic type of communication whether you’re

Speaker:

conscious of it or not.

Speaker:

As we move through the chapters of this book,

Speaker:

we’ll be looking at concrete ways to consciously choose the best and most

Speaker:

effective styles of communication rather than default to unconscious patterns

Speaker:

that may not really be working for us.

Speaker:

When you can communicate well,

Speaker:

your relationships take on an extra dimension of quality and intimacy,

Speaker:

you find yourself in conflict far less often,

Speaker:

and you give yourself the gift of being seen and understood so that other

Speaker:

people have the best possible chance of meeting your needs.

Speaker:

But without good communication,

Speaker:

everything—relationships,

Speaker:

work,

Speaker:

conflict resolution—becomes much,

Speaker:

much harder,

Speaker:

if not impossible.

Speaker:

Before we learn the best ways to communicate,

Speaker:

let’s ask ourselves - how do we communicate right now?

Speaker:

Take a look at the following communication style profiles and see if you can

Speaker:

recognize yourself in one (or more!)

Speaker:

of them - The Passive Communicator.

Speaker:

For this kind of communicator,

Speaker:

it’s all about what isn’t said.

Speaker:

Passive communication avoids expressing needs and wants,

Speaker:

avoids conflict,

Speaker:

and doesn’t directly and obviously convey thoughts or feelings.

Speaker:

Imagine two friends going out for a drink.

Speaker:

The first asks the second where he’d like to go,

Speaker:

the second says,

Speaker:

“Oh,

Speaker:

I don’t mind.

Speaker:

You choose somewhere."

Speaker:

The first does choose somewhere,

Speaker:

and the second doesn’t actually like it ...but doesn’t say so.

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

he gets quietly annoyed and resentful.

Speaker:

When the first friend asks what’s wrong,

Speaker:

the second says,

Speaker:

“Oh,

Speaker:

nothing,

Speaker:

I’m fine,” while very obviously not being fine!

Speaker:

At the end of the evening,

Speaker:

things come to a head and the passive friend has an emotional outburst,

Speaker:

snapping rudely.

Speaker:

Immediately,

Speaker:

he apologizes and acts submissive and guilty.

Speaker:

He goes home wondering how he keeps ending up in such emotionally fraught

Speaker:

situations when he works so hard to avoid confrontation.

Speaker:

Sound familiar?

Speaker:

You might have a passive communication style.

Speaker:

Here are some other clues -

Speaker:

•You apologize for expressing yourself or sharing your wants and needs

Speaker:

•You find it difficult to make decisions,

Speaker:

lead,

Speaker:

or take responsibility

Speaker:

•You sometimes feel like a victim

Speaker:

•You often prefer to opt out or let others take control

Speaker:

•You sometimes don’t know what you really think or feel

Speaker:

•You tend to blame others for bad things that happen

Speaker:

•You don’t generally feel in control of situations,

Speaker:

or your life generally Nonverbally,

Speaker:

passive communicators tend to speak quietly and adopt a small,

Speaker:

submissive posture,

Speaker:

or else fidget nervously or avoid eye contact.

Speaker:

The irony is that a passive communicator does not achieve the result they want

Speaker:

with this behavior.

Speaker:

Other people can feel frustrated,

Speaker:

guilty,

Speaker:

exasperated,

Speaker:

or annoyed with you,

Speaker:

or else they may see the passivity as an invitation to take advantage.

Speaker:

On the other hand,

Speaker:

a passive communicator can leave others feeling unwilling to help anymore since

Speaker:

their efforts are often met with a passive,

Speaker:

defeatist attitude that lacks energy and autonomy.

Speaker:

The Aggressive Communicator.

Speaker:

Where the passive communicator expresses too little of their needs and wants,

Speaker:

the aggressive communicator goes too far in the other direction.

Speaker:

They know what they want,

Speaker:

and they will be as demanding,

Speaker:

intimidating,

Speaker:

and even hostile as they need to be to get it.

Speaker:

From this point of view,

Speaker:

communication is a war,

Speaker:

and the aggressive communicator is one who intends to win and beat down their

Speaker:

opponent.

Speaker:

This can be that office bully who is always loud,

Speaker:

threatening,

Speaker:

and abrasive,

Speaker:

but it doesn’t always have to be as blatant as this.

Speaker:

Sometimes,

Speaker:

the one person in a family or friend group whom everyone is most afraid of is

Speaker:

the one who is simply ruthless and unpredictable.

Speaker:

An aggressive communicator might literally yell and scream,

Speaker:

saying “Don’t be stupid!” or scoffing loudly at what you say,

Speaker:

but they can also be aggressive in their body language or actions -

Speaker:

•Sharp,

Speaker:

sudden,

Speaker:

or “big” gestures

Speaker:

•Hogging space

Speaker:

•Towering over others

Speaker:

•Scowling,

Speaker:

glaring,

Speaker:

frowning

Speaker:

•Invading people’s personal space Again,

Speaker:

the result is ironic - Most people might comply with an aggressive

Speaker:

communicator,

Speaker:

at least at first,

Speaker:

but they quickly can grow defensive,

Speaker:

uncooperative,

Speaker:

and resentful.

Speaker:

Nobody likes to be humiliated or hurt,

Speaker:

and so the result is often less respect but more defensiveness and

Speaker:

pushback—the last thing an aggressive communicator actually wants.

Speaker:

The Passive-Aggressive Communicator We all know someone like this!

Speaker:

This style of communication is as aggressive as the previous one,

Speaker:

only it’s covert,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

hidden and indirect.

Speaker:

Things are not what they seem on the surface.

Speaker:

Someone who communicates this way may feel angry but powerless to act in direct

Speaker:

or ordinary ways—so they attempt to meet their needs and make themselves

Speaker:

known passively instead.

Speaker:

They may use heaps of sarcasm,

Speaker:

they may complain bitterly and make a nuisance of themselves (without doing a

Speaker:

thing to help themselves),

Speaker:

or they may sulk until someone is forced to do something about it.

Speaker:

Otherwise,

Speaker:

they may gossip,

Speaker:

issue false apologies,

Speaker:

or give compliments that are actually insults in disguise.

Speaker:

They may engage in “malicious compliance” (“I will give the appearance of

Speaker:

cooperation but actually not be compliant at all”)

Speaker:

or be difficult or unreliable instead of saying outright that they don’t want

Speaker:

to do something.

Speaker:

There is a devious,

Speaker:

almost two-faced feeling to this type of communication that leaves other people

Speaker:

feeling manipulated,

Speaker:

exhausted,

Speaker:

or confused.

Speaker:

Imagine our two friends are out for a drink,

Speaker:

and the passive one says,

Speaker:

“Oh,

Speaker:

you can choose a place.

Speaker:

I don’t mind."

Speaker:

Let’s say the other one has a passive-aggressive communication style,

Speaker:

and although they resent being forced to make decisions all the time,

Speaker:

they don’t feel able to come out and say that directly.

Speaker:

So instead,

Speaker:

they say,

Speaker:

“Oh no,

Speaker:

I understand.

Speaker:

How could I forget that it’s always my job to sort these things out,

Speaker:

right?"

Speaker:

As they deliver with a sugary-sweet smile,

Speaker:

there is plausible deniability in this,

Speaker:

and when the other friend responds to the hidden aggression in it,

Speaker:

the first one can act hurt and confused - “Calm down ...It was just a joke!"

Speaker:

If pushed,

Speaker:

the passive-aggressive friend may then apologize,

Speaker:

but it will be an “apology” with a sting in the tail - “Sheesh,

Speaker:

I said I’m sorry.

Speaker:

Forgive me for not being perfect all the time ...” The Manipulative

Speaker:

Communicator.

Speaker:

The above style has some overlap with one more style,

Speaker:

that of the manipulative communicator.

Speaker:

This is the person who uses cunning and fakery to get what they want.

Speaker:

Manipulation is essentially an attempt to control other people and have them

Speaker:

do,

Speaker:

say,

Speaker:

and think as you’d like them to.

Speaker:

While the passive-aggressive communicator can hurt others indirectly in an

Speaker:

attempt to express their needs without really expressing them,

Speaker:

the manipulator is characterized by their ability to see others as tools,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

a means to an end.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

a manipulative communication will cry “crocodile tears” in order to make

Speaker:

the other person feel sorry for them (instead of,

Speaker:

for comparison,

Speaker:

simply sharing their genuine experience and the other person responding with

Speaker:

genuine,

Speaker:

uncoerced empathy!).

Speaker:

They may “ask without asking” or use emotional levers such as guilt and

Speaker:

obligation to position people in ways that suit them.

Speaker:

A manipulative communicator might see someone enjoying their lunch at work and

Speaker:

say,

Speaker:

seemingly to no one in particular in a high-pitched,

Speaker:

condescending voice,

Speaker:

“Oh,

Speaker:

that looks delicious.

Speaker:

Aren’t you lucky?

Speaker:

I wish I could eat such fancy stuff like that for lunch every day.

Speaker:

Oh well."

Speaker:

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone “fishing for

Speaker:

compliments,” then know that this is another form of trying to control

Speaker:

others—in these examples trying to force someone to give you a compliment.

Speaker:

Manipulative communication can sometimes “work,” but more often than not it

Speaker:

is rightly perceived by others as artificial,

Speaker:

condescending,

Speaker:

and untrustworthy.

Speaker:

If outright tricks and lies are used,

Speaker:

the communication style can fail badly and the person not only fails to get

Speaker:

what they want,

Speaker:

but they shut off potential genuine avenues of connection and

Speaker:

understanding—shooting themselves in the foot,

Speaker:

basically.

Speaker:

Now,

Speaker:

in reading about these four communication styles,

Speaker:

you can probably see that you’ve been guilty of all of them at least at some

Speaker:

point in your life.

Speaker:

You can also probably see that they overlap one another and that the tactics in

Speaker:

each style can vary in intensity.

Speaker:

Few people use any single type exclusively in their communication,

Speaker:

but it is worth asking honestly about patterns that you observe in yourself.

Speaker:

There are countless shades and nuances possible when we think about how not to

Speaker:

communicate.

Speaker:

Ultimately,

Speaker:

though,

Speaker:

there’s one thing to keep in mind - None of them really WORK. In other

Speaker:

words,

Speaker:

the above four communication styles are “bad” not because they use lies,

Speaker:

passivity,

Speaker:

or force,

Speaker:

but rather because they don’t achieve the main goal of communication.

Speaker:

Why do people communicate?

Speaker:

There are only a few primary reasons -

Speaker:

•To get our needs met

Speaker:

•To share our experience and express who we are

Speaker:

•To solve problems

Speaker:

•To connect with another human being The above communication styles are

Speaker:

actually attempts to meet some or all of these goals.

Speaker:

Usually,

Speaker:

however,

Speaker:

they achieve the exact opposite result.

Speaker:

While it can be fun to identify annoying communication patterns in others,

Speaker:

there is more to be gained by honestly asking where we ourselves fall short of

Speaker:

ideal communication patterns.

Speaker:

Do we have a tendency to be aggressive,

Speaker:

passive,

Speaker:

passive-aggressive,

Speaker:

or manipulative?

Speaker:

Or even all four?

Speaker:

It helps to be aware of maladaptive communication strategies,

Speaker:

but let’s also look at how we can best communicate,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

how we can meet our needs,

Speaker:

express ourselves,

Speaker:

and solve problems in a way that actually works.

Speaker:

The Assertive Communicator.

Speaker:

This is a healthy,

Speaker:

balanced,

Speaker:

and conscious way of communicating.

Speaker:

It’s the ability to express needs,

Speaker:

wants,

Speaker:

thoughts,

Speaker:

and feelings in a direct and assertive way without ever disrespecting or

Speaker:

controlling the way others think or feel,

Speaker:

controlling what they do,

Speaker:

or undermining what they need.

Speaker:

This is the communication style that comes from a healthy self-esteem paired

Speaker:

with a healthy sense of respect and compassion for others.

Speaker:

In non-verbal expression,

Speaker:

such people are self-controlled,

Speaker:

balanced,

Speaker:

relaxed,

Speaker:

open,

Speaker:

and respectful—and that means respect for themselves and others.

Speaker:

Because of this,

Speaker:

other people trust and like them,

Speaker:

and if they don’t,

Speaker:

at the very least they know where they stand.

Speaker:

People do not feel obliged to take care of them or forced to do things they

Speaker:

don’t want to in order to appease them.

Speaker:

In the company of a person who communicates this way,

Speaker:

things are clear,

Speaker:

direct,

Speaker:

mature,

Speaker:

respectful,

Speaker:

and relaxed no matter the kind of conversation unfolding.

Speaker:

They can say,

Speaker:

“You know what,

Speaker:

to be honest,

Speaker:

I don’t really feel like going out drinking tonight.

Speaker:

I’m in the mood to just get some takeout and relax at home.

Speaker:

What do you think?

Speaker:

We could still pick up a couple of beers ...” They can express their needs or

Speaker:

desires clearly,

Speaker:

directly,

Speaker:

and politely (“Oh,

Speaker:

wow,

Speaker:

that looks amazing!

Speaker:

Would you mind if I had a tiny taste?”)

Speaker:

and simply don’t need to control others or get them to take care of them (for

Speaker:

example,

Speaker:

no fishing for compliments needed because you are happy and confident with your

Speaker:

choices and don’t need external validation for them).

Speaker:

Finally,

Speaker:

assertive communicators are flexible and can set healthy boundaries when

Speaker:

necessary,

Speaker:

but they can also be open,

Speaker:

trusting,

Speaker:

and vulnerable at other times.

Speaker:

The first thing to realize is that certain communication styles are simply not

Speaker:

effective and will not get you the results you want.

Speaker:

How you communicate is a choice.

Speaker:

You can make the best choice when you consciously understand what you’re

Speaker:

doing and why it’s not working ...so you can choose something that will work.

Speaker:

Every endeavor to improve must begin with a level of self-awareness.

Speaker:

There is no shame or blame in identifying the current limits and blind spots in

Speaker:

your own communication style.

Speaker:

The quality of our relationships with others comes down to the quality of our

Speaker:

communication.

Speaker:

And guess what?

Speaker:

The quality of our communication comes down one hundred percent to us and what

Speaker:

we consciously choose for ourselves.

Speaker:

For now,

Speaker:

be curious about what isn’t working for you communication-wise.

Speaker:

Think back to conflicts or communication breakdowns in the past and see if you

Speaker:

can identify some of these less-than-helpful styles in yourself,

Speaker:

the other person ...or both.

Speaker:

Before we continue,

Speaker:

consider the attitude that inspires a healthy and assertive communication style.

Speaker:

Read the following sentiments.

Speaker:

Do any seem particularly alien to you or difficult to agree with?

Speaker:

This might be a clue to the aspects of assertive communication you could

Speaker:

develop in yourself - “All people are equally entitled to express themselves

Speaker:

as long as they’re respectful."

Speaker:

“I’m confident in who I am,

Speaker:

and I like myself."

Speaker:

“I have choices."

Speaker:

“I take responsibility for getting my needs met."

Speaker:

“I am comfortable speaking honestly and clearly."

Speaker:

“I am calm,

Speaker:

positive,

Speaker:

and measured when dealing with others."

Speaker:

“I don’t need to or want to control others—I am more interested in

Speaker:

self-mastery."

Speaker:

“I like to seek compromise and balance."

Speaker:

“I value my rights immensely.

Speaker:

I also wouldn’t dream of infringing on someone else’s rights."

Speaker:

“Nobody owes me anything."

Speaker:

In the interest of increasing self-awareness,

Speaker:

ask yourself the following questions - What is my main style of communication?

Speaker:

What aspect of assertive communication do I find most difficult?

Speaker:

What would I most like to improve about the way I communicate?

Speaker:

Psychological Barriers To Communication.

Speaker:

In the previous chapter,

Speaker:

we began by exploring people’s habitual communication styles,

Speaker:

and how we might start to use self-awareness and observation of others to

Speaker:

better establish non-verbal rapport—the first task in any conversation.

Speaker:

It might seem strange for a book on communication to say the following,

Speaker:

but it’s true - Good communication is a natural,

Speaker:

normal human ability,

Speaker:

and it’s something that anyone can do with ease.

Speaker:

You might then ask if that’s the case,

Speaker:

why are so many people so bad at communicating?

Speaker:

The answer is that communicating well is simple and easy,

Speaker:

but we first need to remove the formidable barriers that stand in our way to

Speaker:

doing so.

Speaker:

This is what can be difficult.

Speaker:

People are only able to communicate at the level that their inner psychological

Speaker:

barriers allow them to.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

if there are two people,

Speaker:

and one person has amazing communication skills but the other is trapped in a

Speaker:

core belief that conversations are battles they need to win,

Speaker:

then the conversation will never move beyond this battle framework.

Speaker:

Basically,

Speaker:

one’s emotional state,

Speaker:

beliefs,

Speaker:

habits,

Speaker:

personality,

Speaker:

and general attitude to life are the ultimate limits to how well they are able

Speaker:

to connect to and communicate with others.

Speaker:

Certain psychological states will improve your ability to both send and receive

Speaker:

a message,

Speaker:

while others will undermine it.

Speaker:

With that in mind,

Speaker:

what barriers are there,

Speaker:

and how can we replace them with something more useful?

Speaker:

Assumptions.

Speaker:

Assuming is simply coming to a conclusion you don’t strictly have evidence

Speaker:

for.

Speaker:

It almost always leads to misunderstanding.

Speaker:

Communication,

Speaker:

after all,

Speaker:

is about learning about the other person and their message.

Speaker:

If we think we already know all there is to know,

Speaker:

then why have a conversation at all,

Speaker:

right?

Speaker:

Imagine that a boss doesn’t give detailed instructions to a new employee

Speaker:

because she assumes that the employee will already know how to do the task.

Speaker:

The employee doesn’t and so fails at the task.

Speaker:

Here,

Speaker:

the barrier of assumption has stepped in and prevented any real communication

Speaker:

from happening,

Speaker:

but it can also rear its head once communication is underway.

Speaker:

If you’ve ever had an argument and both found yourselves saying things like,

Speaker:

“But I thought you meant X!” then you likely were both guilty of making

Speaker:

assumptions.

Speaker:

In conversations,

Speaker:

it’s so easy to assume that all the mental models,

Speaker:

frameworks,

Speaker:

systems of meanings,

Speaker:

values,

Speaker:

and definitions that we hold are neatly shared by other people.

Speaker:

We forget that they have their own goals and interpretations of events,

Speaker:

and they may have their own understanding that can be identical to ours,

Speaker:

completely opposite,

Speaker:

or anything in between.

Speaker:

How do we know what kind of world the person in front of us is actually

Speaker:

inhabiting?

Speaker:

Well,

Speaker:

we communicate with them!

Speaker:

And this means no assumptions.

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

ask questions.

Speaker:

Pretend you are a reporter or documentary filmmaker or alien from outer space

Speaker:

...or all three.

Speaker:

Empty your mind of any preconceptions and don’t guess.

Speaker:

Ask the other person to tell you what they think and feel.

Speaker:

Sometimes,

Speaker:

with some topics,

Speaker:

you’ll need to confirm even this,

Speaker:

because after all,

Speaker:

we all use words and ideas in different ways.

Speaker:

Think of someone asking someone else to marry them.

Speaker:

That person says yes.

Speaker:

But what exactly have they agreed to?

Speaker:

How big is the overlap between their respective understanding of the word

Speaker:

“marriage”?

Speaker:

Aggression And Anger.

Speaker:

We’ve already seen that aggressive (or passive-aggressive)

Speaker:

communication styles cause upset and don’t even achieve the person’s

Speaker:

communication goals anyway.

Speaker:

But for obvious reasons,

Speaker:

anger,

Speaker:

resentment,

Speaker:

or even rage can be serious obstacles to effective communication.

Speaker:

It’s simple - To communicate,

Speaker:

we have to make contact.

Speaker:

We connect with someone else,

Speaker:

and this requires us to let our guards down and become receptive and open to

Speaker:

what the other person is sharing.

Speaker:

If the other person is angry,

Speaker:

they will come across as a threat—and why would you ever be receptive to a

Speaker:

threat?

Speaker:

Most sane people will close off to aggression and disconnect in an effort to

Speaker:

protect themselves.

Speaker:

This means that if you are leading with anger,

Speaker:

you are automatically creating a condition in which communicating cannot take

Speaker:

place.

Speaker:

Think about that - You cannot communicate with a threat,

Speaker:

real or perceived.

Speaker:

You can only defend against it.

Speaker:

If you lead with anger,

Speaker:

you can only expect defensiveness from the other person—and this gets you

Speaker:

nowhere.

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

own your emotions.

Speaker:

Feeling angry is not a problem;

Speaker:

approaching someone else with hostility and aggression is.

Speaker:

The alternative is not to force yourself to pretend to be calm.

Speaker:

Rather,

Speaker:

it’s to own your feelings and identify them as belonging to you.

Speaker:

Instead of blaming the other person or directing your emotion to them,

Speaker:

hold that emotion as something that belongs to you only.

Speaker:

Using “I” statements will mean you can say,

Speaker:

“I feel so overwhelmed right now,” instead of,

Speaker:

“You’re stressing me out!"

Speaker:

Preconceived Attitudes.

Speaker:

Here is the question yet again - What is the point of communication?

Speaker:

What is it for,

Speaker:

ultimately?

Speaker:

The way you answer this question shows you the attitude you hold toward

Speaker:

communication.

Speaker:

For some people,

Speaker:

conversations are a fight or a courtroom drama or a way to prove how

Speaker:

“right” and worthy they are.

Speaker:

For others,

Speaker:

the point is to get their needs met or share and express or simply reach

Speaker:

outside the limits of their own inner perception and connect with another human

Speaker:

being.

Speaker:

Naturally,

Speaker:

the attitude you have to conversations will depend on the beliefs you hold.

Speaker:

These beliefs also include the habitual roles you’ve always assumed in

Speaker:

conversation with others.

Speaker:

Do you routinely show up as the therapist,

Speaker:

comedian,

Speaker:

drill sergeant?

Speaker:

Are you always preaching and explaining,

Speaker:

or do you repeatedly defer to others and let them lead?

Speaker:

None of these orientations are right or wrong in themselves.

Speaker:

But if you are a)

Speaker:

unaware that they are there in the first place or b)

Speaker:

constantly communicating with people who don’t share your attitude,

Speaker:

then you can expect conflict and misunderstanding.

Speaker:

One especially big impediment to effective communication is negative

Speaker:

self-image,

Speaker:

or low confidence.

Speaker:

This acts like a kind of filter in which every message you receive from the

Speaker:

outside world can only ever be interpreted in a way that makes you look

Speaker:

inferior.

Speaker:

Most of us have never considered that low self-esteem can distort

Speaker:

communication,

Speaker:

but really,

Speaker:

if low self-esteem is the inability to hear a message that paints us in a good

Speaker:

light,

Speaker:

then that’s precisely what it does!

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

practice compassion—for self and others.

Speaker:

Really good conversation is supremely democratic.

Speaker:

There are no winners and losers and no hierarchy.

Speaker:

Take a deep breath and put yourself on an even keel with the other person.

Speaker:

Try to shelve any ideas about who is playing what role,

Speaker:

and compassionately encounter the person you find as you find them—your equal.

Speaker:

Fear.

Speaker:

Aggression impedes communication because it puts the other person on the

Speaker:

defensive.

Speaker:

But if that person is already on the defensive,

Speaker:

the conversation is already impacted.

Speaker:

Defensiveness is essentially putting up a wall.

Speaker:

Trying to communicate through a wall is not easy,

Speaker:

and it usually results in one thing - confusion and serious misunderstanding.

Speaker:

This is sometimes why fear and aggression can lead to communication breakdown;

Speaker:

the more walls that are put up,

Speaker:

the harder it is to hear one another,

Speaker:

and in the confusion,

Speaker:

more fear and anger are created,

Speaker:

necessitating even more walls ... A person who is fearful is not listening.

Speaker:

They are not curious.

Speaker:

They are not focusing on anything other than their own self-preservation,

Speaker:

and this makes them a bad conversationalist on the most fundamental level.

Speaker:

Have you noticed how,

Speaker:

after watching a horror movie,

Speaker:

the bedroom that seemed perfectly innocent yesterday now seems riddled with

Speaker:

potentially frightening nooks and crannies? Fear. can make us see things that

Speaker:

aren’t there and,

Speaker:

in communication,

Speaker:

can make us detect threats where there aren’t any.

Speaker:

Naturally,

Speaker:

real connection will be stunted.

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

relax and be curious.

Speaker:

One way to do this is simple - ask an open-ended question.

Speaker:

You don’t have to lower your walls entirely,

Speaker:

but at least be curious about what’s on the other side!

Speaker:

Inflexibility And Need For Control.

Speaker:

When you get together with someone and have a conversation,

Speaker:

anything can happen.

Speaker:

The thread of the talk can go in any direction,

Speaker:

and at any one moment,

Speaker:

the words either person says could steer the thing in a completely novel and

Speaker:

unexpected direction.

Speaker:

And this is a good thing!

Speaker:

When two people get together to communicate,

Speaker:

there is a chance for them to co-create something that is bigger than the sum

Speaker:

of both of them.

Speaker:

But,

Speaker:

this can only happen if both parties are willing to relinquish a little control

Speaker:

and let the conversation flow as it will.

Speaker:

Being inflexible,

Speaker:

closed-minded,

Speaker:

or hungry for control mean that we enter any discussion with a fixed idea of

Speaker:

what it should be ...therefore preventing it from becoming anything else.

Speaker:

This shuts us off from listening,

Speaker:

from learning,

Speaker:

and from responding spontaneously in the moment as it unfolds.

Speaker:

It also makes us very boring and predictable!

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

be willing to be surprised.

Speaker:

Let the other person lead,

Speaker:

and be genuinely open to the idea that they may steer the conversation in a way

Speaker:

you did not expect or prepare for.

Speaker:

Everyone has something to teach you.

Speaker:

Judgment And Premature Evaluation.

Speaker:

Have you ever found yourself rushing in a conversation?

Speaker:

You hear someone talking,

Speaker:

but internally,

Speaker:

you think,

Speaker:

“Yes,

Speaker:

yes,

Speaker:

I’ve heard that ...” and you subtly try to move them along.

Speaker:

Why?

Speaker:

Sometimes,

Speaker:

this kind of haste signals that we have been too quick to come to conclusions

Speaker:

about what we’re being told.

Speaker:

As with making assumptions,

Speaker:

we think we already understand everything there is to understand and no longer

Speaker:

need to engage.

Speaker:

As we dig deeper,

Speaker:

this sometimes tells us that we have prematurely gone into judgment mode before

Speaker:

really hearing the other person.

Speaker:

We all have preconceived notions in our heads.

Speaker:

When someone talks,

Speaker:

we might flit through our catalogue of notions and see which ones match

Speaker:

closest—then grab ahold of that and stop listening to what the unique person

Speaker:

in front of us is saying.

Speaker:

Judgment—even “positive” judgments,

Speaker:

kill what is real and nuanced in the present moment.

Speaker:

We fail to see the other person and their message and instead substitute it

Speaker:

with our idea of who they are and what they’re saying.

Speaker:

This is the root of prejudice and bias.

Speaker:

If we are interacting with two-dimensional stereotypes of people and not real

Speaker:

people,

Speaker:

then our communication is always going to be lacking.

Speaker:

Instead,

Speaker:

cultivate wonder.

Speaker:

This may be the hardest mindset shift of all,

Speaker:

but to become a genuinely good communicator,

Speaker:

you need to maintain a sense not just of curiosity or interest in another

Speaker:

person,

Speaker:

but of near-continuous awe at what a privilege it really is to step outside

Speaker:

your own head for a moment and step into someone else’s.

Speaker:

In the remainder of this book,

Speaker:

we will take as a starting point the value that communication is a way to

Speaker:

create connection.

Speaker:

We label anything that gets in the way of this connection as a “psychological

Speaker:

barrier” and work to remove it.

Speaker:

Are there other barriers than the ones listed above?

Speaker:

Definitely.

Speaker:

We can point to an attitude of distraction and inattention,

Speaker:

lack of trust,

Speaker:

cross-cultural limitations,

Speaker:

and even exhaustion as things that prevent people from properly connecting.

Speaker:

Whatever they are,

Speaker:

though,

Speaker:

with self-awareness and practice,

Speaker:

we can work to lessen their impact on us.

Speaker:

Other Bad Communication Habits To Avoid.

Speaker:

Maybe you read the previous descriptions of barriers to communication and

Speaker:

thought it all sounded a little serious.

Speaker:

Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation,

Speaker:

and not necessarily become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.

Speaker:

However,

Speaker:

even if you are on the whole a flexible,

Speaker:

open-minded,

Speaker:

and non-judgmental communicator,

Speaker:

you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague

Speaker:

the best of us.

Speaker:

That’s because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those

Speaker:

small,

Speaker:

mindless,

Speaker:

and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.

Speaker:

Granted,

Speaker:

these conversational habits don’t mean that you have psychological issues

Speaker:

with prejudice or a deep-seated need for control.

Speaker:

But in a way,

Speaker:

knee-jerk habits like these are worse because they are usually invisible,

Speaker:

unconscious,

Speaker:

and may even be encouraged by your general environment.

Speaker:

Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better

Speaker:

communicators,

Speaker:

let’s explore a few more things not to do.

Speaker:

Human life is largely comprised of conversations.

Speaker:

Every relationship,

Speaker:

every human interaction,

Speaker:

every job,

Speaker:

everything at some point requires you to encounter and engage with another

Speaker:

human being.

Speaker:

And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send

Speaker:

an email than deal with face-to-face discussion,

Speaker:

chances are you have at least a few terrible communication habits that drive

Speaker:

people nuts.

Speaker:

Yes,

Speaker:

even you!

Speaker:

No,

Speaker:

the following habits won’t cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication,

Speaker:

and they’re not the end of the world ...but they’re good low-hanging fruit

Speaker:

to begin with as we embark on sharpening our communication skills.

Speaker:

Constantly Interrupting.

Speaker:

Maybe you interrupt because you’re so excited by what the other person just

Speaker:

said,

Speaker:

you simply have to interject and say your thing.

Speaker:

Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously,

Speaker:

you think that what you have to say is more urgent or more important.

Speaker:

Maybe,

Speaker:

you’re doing it because you’re rushing the conversation along,

Speaker:

having already jumped to conclusions about what the other person means and made

Speaker:

your judgments about it.

Speaker:

In any case,

Speaker:

it doesn’t matter why you do it—only that it makes the other person feel

Speaker:

awful.

Speaker:

It’s understandable—you want to be heard.

Speaker:

But so do they!

Speaker:

Take it a step further and don’t even think about interrupting.

Speaker:

You know what this means—when you are suddenly more interested in your own

Speaker:

response to what’s being said than listening to what’s being said,

Speaker:

it shows.

Speaker:

The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you

Speaker:

are preparing a response.

Speaker:

A good habit is this - After someone stops speaking,

Speaker:

pause and count slowly to three in your head.

Speaker:

This sends the message,

Speaker:

“I’m here,

Speaker:

I’m paying attention,

Speaker:

and I care about what you have to say,” and lets the other person know they

Speaker:

don’t have to rush to get a word in,

Speaker:

and that you are respectful enough to pause to process what they’re saying.

Speaker:

Multitasking.

Speaker:

A conversation merits more than the few glances you can muster when you finally

Speaker:

tear your eyes away from your iPhone.

Speaker:

We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking at least

Speaker:

occasionally.

Speaker:

No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear,

Speaker:

you must be there for them.

Speaker:

In other words,

Speaker:

you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.

Speaker:

Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.

Speaker:

Using Qualifiers.

Speaker:

“Not to be rude or offensive,

Speaker:

but ...” “This could be a horrible idea,

Speaker:

but ...” “I know what you're thinking,

Speaker:

but ...” Qualifiers,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention of

Speaker:

softening or mitigating that statement,

Speaker:

certainly have their place.

Speaker:

Overusing them,

Speaker:

though,

Speaker:

can be pretty annoying.

Speaker:

Why?

Speaker:

In the right circumstances,

Speaker:

they can come across as condescending and unneeded.

Speaker:

Remember the manipulative communication style?

Speaker:

Nobody wants to feel like they are being managed or handled.

Speaker:

If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers,

Speaker:

it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your listener,

Speaker:

who could wonder why you’re not just being direct.

Speaker:

Remind yourself that the world “but” is kind of magical—people tend to

Speaker:

discount everything that came before that word!

Speaker:

It’s yet another barrier,

Speaker:

albeit one that is mostly just annoying.

Speaker:

Equating Your Experiences.

Speaker:

In Chapter 4,

Speaker:

we’ll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective

Speaker:

communication,

Speaker:

but for now,

Speaker:

it’s enough to banish this single meaningless phrase from your repertoire -

Speaker:

“I know exactly how you feel!"

Speaker:

It’s even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when

Speaker:

you felt similarly despite the fact that the two situations are completely

Speaker:

dissimilar.

Speaker:

Keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique.

Speaker:

It’s good that you’re making an effort to be empathetic.

Speaker:

But think about it from the other side.

Speaker:

Has hearing about someone else’s hard time ever made you feel less unhappy

Speaker:

about your own troubles?

Speaker:

Probably not.

Speaker:

Whether you can understand another person’s experiences or not is irrelevant.

Speaker:

Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.

Speaker:

Floundering.

Speaker:

We’ve all encountered people who ramble on without a point as though they

Speaker:

like the sound of their own voices.

Speaker:

If you have a tendency to do this yourself,

Speaker:

constantly try to remember how mind-numbing it is to be on the receiving end!

Speaker:

Floundering. and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when

Speaker:

we’re nervous or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen unless

Speaker:

we keep performing and filling the silence.

Speaker:

But like every other poor communication strategy listed here,

Speaker:

it doesn’t work - The more we talk,

Speaker:

the less people listen.

Speaker:

Think carefully,

Speaker:

say what you need to say,

Speaker:

and be straightforward and succinct when you talk.

Speaker:

Have faith that you’ve been heard,

Speaker:

and if you haven’t let it go,

Speaker:

because it’s likely that you would not have convinced anyone to care or

Speaker:

understand simply by going on ad nauseum.

Speaker:

Waiting Instead Of Listening.

Speaker:

Everyone knows they should be a good listener.

Speaker:

To be honest,

Speaker:

most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being

Speaker:

one!

Speaker:

Rather than listening with all our attention to what we’re told,

Speaker:

we are really just waiting our turn.

Speaker:

Worse,

Speaker:

we might be listening with an agenda—discarding what doesn’t fit the

Speaker:

agenda,

Speaker:

hearing what we like,

Speaker:

and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response ...just as soon as

Speaker:

the other person stops talking.

Speaker:

If this is a bad habit to break,

Speaker:

remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when you’re not

Speaker:

listening.

Speaker:

It’s not easy to hide,

Speaker:

and it makes you appear selfish,

Speaker:

disinterested,

Speaker:

and unkind.

Speaker:

Fluff and Filler Words.

Speaker:

Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable

Speaker:

depending on your age,

Speaker:

culture,

Speaker:

and social situation,

Speaker:

but it’s almost always better to avoid it entirely.

Speaker:

Filler words are things like um,

Speaker:

ah,

Speaker:

okay,

Speaker:

like,

Speaker:

you know,

Speaker:

you see,

Speaker:

uhh,

Speaker:

right,

Speaker:

kinda,

Speaker:

so,

Speaker:

actually,

Speaker:

err,

Speaker:

hmm,

Speaker:

and so on.

Speaker:

You may in fact have your own personal verbal tic—for example,

Speaker:

some people have a strange habit of ending every sentence with a dangling “so

Speaker:

...” that doesn’t go anywhere.

Speaker:

Others will liberally sprinkle “like” or “um” everywhere.

Speaker:

Still,

Speaker:

others will have overused turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the

Speaker:

message—for example,

Speaker:

the woman who ends every simple phrase with,

Speaker:

“if that makes sense?” or the guy who cannot open his mouth without saying,

Speaker:

“yeah,

Speaker:

well."

Speaker:

Try this challenge for yourself - Once you’ve identified your own pet filler

Speaker:

words,

Speaker:

try to consciously replace them with plain old silence.

Speaker:

Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn’t a filler

Speaker:

word.

Speaker:

If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment,

Speaker:

you may be surprised at just how polished and put together you come across.

Speaker:

You don’t have to say anything profound—just remove the filler words and

Speaker:

you automatically seem more self-assured,

Speaker:

authoritative,

Speaker:

and sophisticated (note,

Speaker:

of course,

Speaker:

that if you deliberately don’t want to appear that way,

Speaker:

then ignore this advice!).

Speaker:

So interrupting,

Speaker:

being distracted,

Speaker:

trying to make every conversation about you ...all these smaller

Speaker:

conversation-killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper,

Speaker:

bigger problem - conversational narcissism.

Speaker:

We are all guilty of this to some extent.

Speaker:

A conversation is about two people.

Speaker:

Even beyond that,

Speaker:

a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated,

Speaker:

and both have connected with one another.

Speaker:

That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself,

Speaker:

the conversation will be lacking somehow.

Speaker:

The more you can focus on the other person,

Speaker:

the better the conversation will be.

Speaker:

This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it,

Speaker:

yet look around and you will notice that almost all cases of miscommunication

Speaker:

or failed connection come from,

Speaker:

in one way or another,

Speaker:

conversational narcissism.

Speaker:

Whether the obstacles are psychological,

Speaker:

behavioral,

Speaker:

or just bad habits we’ve fallen into,

Speaker:

if they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their

Speaker:

perspective,

Speaker:

then our communication will never be everything it has the potential to be.

Speaker:

The Rapport Game.

Speaker:

Imagine you are sitting across the street from a café and watching three

Speaker:

tables,

Speaker:

each with two people having a conversation.

Speaker:

At Table A,

Speaker:

both people are leaning in together,

Speaker:

seemingly mimicking one another’s facial expressions and hand gestures,

Speaker:

while at Table B,

Speaker:

the people talking are looking very serious and low energy,

Speaker:

but they’ve both leaned back in their chairs and,

Speaker:

just like Table A,

Speaker:

seem to be mirroring one another’s behavior.

Speaker:

Table C is different—one person is seemingly excited and smiling,

Speaker:

while the other is calmer,

Speaker:

speaking less,

Speaker:

and adopting a completely different posture and facial expression.

Speaker:

Without knowing anything about the content of the conversation,

Speaker:

you can probably tell even from afar which conversations are going well and

Speaker:

which one isn’t!

Speaker:

That’s because at its most fundamental,

Speaker:

good communication is NOT about the words you say but the degree of

Speaker:

concordance,

Speaker:

harmony,

Speaker:

and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

this is exactly our next pitstop on our journey to becoming better

Speaker:

communicators.

Speaker:

Mirroring And Matching.

Speaker:

Have you ever actually wondered what “chemistry” is?

Speaker:

That fizzle of energy and connection between two people is something that’s

Speaker:

difficult to describe,

Speaker:

but you definitely know it when you feel it!

Speaker:

However mysterious it feels,

Speaker:

this chemistry is actually well-explained as an evolutionary adaptation that

Speaker:

has helped our species bond,

Speaker:

connect,

Speaker:

and establish trust ...even before we developed verbal language.

Speaker:

Mirroring and matching don’t need much explanation—you’ve seen it with

Speaker:

your own eyes!

Speaker:

When we match and mirror,

Speaker:

we mimic not just what others say but how they say it,

Speaker:

the words they use,

Speaker:

their accents,

Speaker:

turns of phrase,

Speaker:

gestures,

Speaker:

posture,

Speaker:

voice tone,

Speaker:

pitch and volume,

Speaker:

and facial expressions.

Speaker:

Here’s the thing - We all instinctively know how to mirror and match;

Speaker:

it’s just that the more charismatic among us know how to do it deliberately.

Speaker:

In the 1970s,

Speaker:

Richard Bandler and John Grinder introduced a communication theory they called

Speaker:

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).

Speaker:

They claimed that most people tend to feel happier and more comfortable around

Speaker:

those who are similar to them—even if this recognition of similarity is

Speaker:

largely unconscious.

Speaker:

Have you ever noticed two people get together for the first time and

Speaker:

immediately start to look for things in common between them?

Speaker:

They may smile as they both realize they grew up in the same area or liked the

Speaker:

same shows when they were kids,

Speaker:

or both indirectly know the same people.

Speaker:

As they do this,

Speaker:

they may start to reflect and mimic one another,

Speaker:

matching the other’s tone of voice,

Speaker:

hand movements,

Speaker:

and other idiosyncrasies.

Speaker:

It’s as though the more similar we feel to the person in front of us,

Speaker:

the more we feel that they can hear and understand us,

Speaker:

and the more we trust and like them.

Speaker:

Mirroring is copying and reflecting a behavior in the same moment.

Speaker:

So they smile,

Speaker:

and you smile.

Speaker:

They whisper,

Speaker:

and so do you.

Speaker:

Done right,

Speaker:

it creates feelings of harmony and synchrony—like you’re both doing a

Speaker:

coordinated dance in time with one another.

Speaker:

Matching is copying and reflecting,

Speaker:

but not necessarily at the same time.

Speaker:

So perhaps they use an unusual and noteworthy turn of phrase,

Speaker:

which you remember and return to later in the conversation (almost literally

Speaker:

communicating,

Speaker:

“I speak the same language as you!”).

Speaker:

The wonderful thing is that mirroring and matching can create strong feelings

Speaker:

of harmony and connection even without you saying a word.

Speaker:

It’s difficult to estimate just how much communication is nonverbal,

Speaker:

but it’s clear that the proportion is significant.

Speaker:

Whether you’re meeting someone new,

Speaker:

talking to an old friend,

Speaker:

or trying to navigate a prickly conflict,

Speaker:

matching and mirroring is a great skill to master since it always gives you a

Speaker:

solid base on which to build.

Speaker:

There are three main ways to build rapport by using matching and mirroring.

Speaker:

Way 1 - Match and Mirror External Communication Cues Body language and

Speaker:

nonverbal communication are prior to verbal communication.

Speaker:

If you adopt the same posture as the person in front of you,

Speaker:

you duplicate their experience in your own body and can understand more about

Speaker:

their position—literally!

Speaker:

You also communicate that you’re on the same wavelength and will create

Speaker:

feelings of being in sync.

Speaker:

In conversation,

Speaker:

simply notice how “open” or “closed” body language as a whole seems.

Speaker:

Look for tension (crossed arms,

Speaker:

hunched posture,

Speaker:

closed fists,

Speaker:

frowning)

Speaker:

or relaxation (open arms,

Speaker:

expressive hands,

Speaker:

legs uncrossed).

Speaker:

Without aping them very obviously,

Speaker:

try to match this degree of openness/closedness.

Speaker:

Next,

Speaker:

notice gestures,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

body postures in motion.

Speaker:

Are they moving quickly or slowly?

Speaker:

Are they graceful and flowing or sharp and staccato?

Speaker:

Wide and expansive?

Speaker:

Fidgety?

Speaker:

Protective?

Speaker:

Restrained?

Speaker:

How do the gestures line up with everything else in the conversation?

Speaker:

Match and mirror this.

Speaker:

You could also match and mirror facial expressions—in fact,

Speaker:

you might find you do this automatically just by paying close attention to the

Speaker:

other person!

Speaker:

You could focus on just one most notable aspect—for example,

Speaker:

the eyebrows or corners of the mouth.

Speaker:

Again,

Speaker:

see if you can match the position,

Speaker:

movement,

Speaker:

and degree of openness or closedness here,

Speaker:

especially at points in the conversation when emotional content is being

Speaker:

communicated.

Speaker:

You could say,

Speaker:

“I know how you feel,” but when your facial expression matches theirs,

Speaker:

you are doing something more powerful—you are showing that you understand

Speaker:

what they mean.

Speaker:

Way 2 - Match and Mirror Voice and Language This is a rich area to tap!

Speaker:

Consider all the aspects of the voice that have nothing to do with the words

Speaker:

used -

Speaker:

•Tone

Speaker:

•Rate (speed)

Speaker:

1054 00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:34,520 •Volume (both loudness and simply the amount of speech)

Speaker:

1056 00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:36,280 •Pitch (how high or low)

Speaker:

1058 00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:37,080 •Pace,

Speaker:

inflection,

Speaker:

and modulation (how you deliver your sentences and the flow of speech—for

Speaker:

example,

Speaker:

with lots of variation or with a steady,

Speaker:

even monotone)

Speaker:

You can match and mirror on any of the above five aspects—or potentially all

Speaker:

of them.

Speaker:

The key,

Speaker:

however,

Speaker:

is to do this subtly and naturally.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

if the person you’re speaking to is talking quickly (fast rate),

Speaker:

speaking quite loudly (high volume)

Speaker:

and in a high pitch,

Speaker:

and talking with an excitable and highly inflected tone,

Speaker:

then you can signal your empathy and understanding of their frame of mind by

Speaker:

mimicking some of this yourself.

Speaker:

You could subtly raise your own pitch,

Speaker:

talk a little louder than you ordinarily would,

Speaker:

and mirror that excitement back at them.

Speaker:

Overall,

Speaker:

you are attempting to match the energy of what they’re communicating.

Speaker:

Just remember that the voice is a part of the body,

Speaker:

and so every aspect of the voice is essentially body language.

Speaker:

One thing you might not have considered is what communication experts call

Speaker:

sensory predicates.

Speaker:

Basically,

Speaker:

these are systems of meaning that we use to explain our experiences.

Speaker:

We each have a system whether we’re aware of it or not,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

we might favor descriptions and explanations that are

Speaker:

•Visual

Speaker:

•Auditory

Speaker:

•Kinesthetic

Speaker:

•Feeling

Speaker:

•Auditory Digital A few examples will show how sensory predicates play out in

Speaker:

real life.

Speaker:

A visual predicate,

Speaker:

for example,

Speaker:

uses language,

Speaker:

symbolism,

Speaker:

and metaphors that are based in the physiology of sight.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

you might pepper your speech with terms like picture this,

Speaker:

look,

Speaker:

view,

Speaker:

bright,

Speaker:

reveal,

Speaker:

short-sighted,

Speaker:

paint a picture,

Speaker:

I can see,

Speaker:

clear,

Speaker:

dim,

Speaker:

etc.

Speaker:

Similarly,

Speaker:

more auditory (to do with sound)

Speaker:

predicates will include phrases like listen,

Speaker:

tell,

Speaker:

clear as a bell,

Speaker:

on the same frequency,

Speaker:

lend me your ears,

Speaker:

strike a note,

Speaker:

loud and clear,

Speaker:

etc.

Speaker:

Kinesthetic and feeling predicates may overlap somewhat and mix both meanings

Speaker:

of the word “feel”—for example,

Speaker:

I’m touched,

Speaker:

concrete,

Speaker:

solid,

Speaker:

hot and bothered,

Speaker:

get in touch,

Speaker:

handhold,

Speaker:

grasp,

Speaker:

make contact,

Speaker:

etc.

Speaker:

So-called auditory digital predicates are more focused on the cognitive

Speaker:

experience of the world—for example,

Speaker:

with terms like understand,

Speaker:

know,

Speaker:

think,

Speaker:

process,

Speaker:

figure it out,

Speaker:

pay attention,

Speaker:

wonder,

Speaker:

etc.

Speaker:

The point of understanding the predicates someone uses is so that you can match

Speaker:

and mirror these,

Speaker:

too.

Speaker:

The result can be an instant connection and feeling of rapport.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

if someone consistently uses visual predicates,

Speaker:

they may say,

Speaker:

“I like the look of this idea.

Speaker:

You’ve painted such a clear picture of the most important goals."

Speaker:

If you pick up on this,

Speaker:

you can continue and expand the visual metaphors,

Speaker:

or include your own by later saying something like,

Speaker:

“I see what you mean!

Speaker:

I’m glad we’re focusing on the same vision here."

Speaker:

Now,

Speaker:

this might not seem like much,

Speaker:

but it’s a powerful way to unconsciously signal that you speak the same

Speaker:

language and,

Speaker:

even more than this,

Speaker:

inhabit the same perceptual world as the other person.

Speaker:

If you’re not entirely clear which kind of predicate the person is using,

Speaker:

it’s no big deal—simply prick your ears (there’s an auditory one!)

Speaker:

to the kinds of metaphors they use,

Speaker:

and repeat or expand on them rather than abruptly switching to a different

Speaker:

metaphor.

Speaker:

Way 3 - Match and Mirror Internal Communication Cues This one is a little less

Speaker:

obvious.

Speaker:

The voice and the body may be easier to notice at first glance,

Speaker:

but have you ever simply felt that people have different energy levels from

Speaker:

each other?

Speaker:

This “energy” is about how active,

Speaker:

energetic,

Speaker:

and vibrant someone is,

Speaker:

yes,

Speaker:

but it can also be more subtle than this.

Speaker:

Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions.

Speaker:

They are able to so perfectly capture another person’s personality not just

Speaker:

because they can mimic their voice and mannerisms,

Speaker:

but also because somehow,

Speaker:

they can put all these things together and portray the person’s deeper

Speaker:

essence.

Speaker:

Noticing this essence takes practice,

Speaker:

but at first,

Speaker:

try to simply pay attention to how people are taking up space,

Speaker:

how they’re breathing,

Speaker:

and the aggregate of all their expressions (language,

Speaker:

posture,

Speaker:

appearance)

Speaker:

comes across.

Speaker:

Reflecting someone’s essence may take a special touch,

Speaker:

but you’d be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you can

Speaker:

do so.

Speaker:

If ever you’re with someone and you just “click,” try to see things from

Speaker:

the other side and ask what the other person did to make you feel that

Speaker:

communication and connection were so easy with them.

Speaker:

Chances are it’s mirroring!

Speaker:

Here’s a little trick you can try not just to build rapport,

Speaker:

but to test whether you are getting anywhere in that goal - Step 1 - Pay

Speaker:

attention to their internal or external communication cues,

Speaker:

or their voice or language.

Speaker:

Step 2 - Match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects.

Speaker:

Step 3 - After a little while,

Speaker:

match them on some other aspect.

Speaker:

Step 4 - Finally,

Speaker:

do something different.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

if you’ve been mirroring a low and slow tone of voice,

Speaker:

plus crossed legs,

Speaker:

suddenly change up your voice and speak louder and more quickly,

Speaker:

or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead.

Speaker:

Step 5 - Now,

Speaker:

observe.

Speaker:

Do they follow suit and mirror you?

Speaker:

If so,

Speaker:

congratulations—you’ve likely established rapport!

Speaker:

If not,

Speaker:

no problem.

Speaker:

There’s still time.

Speaker:

As you get better at matching and mirroring (and conversation in general),

Speaker:

you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors

Speaker:

rather than just following the other person’s lead.

Speaker:

This way,

Speaker:

you can take charge of conversations and shape them in a positive direction,

Speaker:

fostering connection and understanding—usually without the other person even

Speaker:

knowing it!

Speaker:

Here’s another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other

Speaker:

people’s communication cues - Step 1 - Think of someone you have an excellent

Speaker:

rapport with and try to feel what it feels like when you’re around that

Speaker:

person.

Speaker:

Really recreate that experience in your body,

Speaker:

heart,

Speaker:

and mind.

Speaker:

Step 2 - Consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now,

Speaker:

imagining it expanding through your body.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

maybe with a very good friend,

Speaker:

you feel expansive,

Speaker:

you’re quick to smile,

Speaker:

and you lean forward ever so slightly.

Speaker:

Maybe you feel ultra-relaxed and “warm."

Speaker:

Whatever the sensation is,

Speaker:

imagine that it’s surrounding you like an aura.

Speaker:

Then,

Speaker:

let it guide how you behave,

Speaker:

think,

Speaker:

feel,

Speaker:

and move in the moment.

Speaker:

Step 3 - Project the feeling toward the person you’re with and imagine that

Speaker:

this amazing aura is flowing around them,

Speaker:

too.

Speaker:

This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring,

Speaker:

since you are the one who is “going first” and inviting others to mirror

Speaker:

and match you—if you master those good,

Speaker:

happy vibes,

Speaker:

don’t be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing to be drawn in!

Speaker:

Way 4 - Match on Content Basically,

Speaker:

seek common ground.

Speaker:

If people like people who are like them,

Speaker:

then rapport is in some ways just a matter of finding how you’re like the

Speaker:

person in front of you.

Speaker:

Potential areas of common ground include -

Speaker:

•Your history and background,

Speaker:

such as school,

Speaker:

hometown,

Speaker:

past jobs,

Speaker:

shared connections

Speaker:

•Personal values,

Speaker:

such as family,

Speaker:

hard work,

Speaker:

creativity,

Speaker:

learning,

Speaker:

etc.

Speaker:

•Core beliefs about the world

Speaker:

•Emotional state,

Speaker:

both current and more generally in life

Speaker:

•Style

Speaker:

•Accent,

Speaker:

ways of speaking,

Speaker:

and verbal idiosyncrasies

Speaker:

•Hobbies

Speaker:

•Shared experiences

Speaker:

•Degree of formality (for example,

Speaker:

do they use slang and swear words?

Speaker:

Or are they very correct,

Speaker:

polite,

Speaker:

and articulate?),

Speaker:

convention,

Speaker:

class,

Speaker:

age,

Speaker:

or generation

Speaker:

•Personality differences (for example,

Speaker:

some people bond over being flippant,

Speaker:

quirky,

Speaker:

serious-minded,

Speaker:

poetic,

Speaker:

spiritually inclined,

Speaker:

straightlaced,

Speaker:

mischievous,

Speaker:

etc.,

Speaker:

but people can also differ in their focus on the bigger picture versus the

Speaker:

details,

Speaker:

the emotional versus the factual content of a conversation,

Speaker:

or the overall volume of information they’re comfortable exchanging)

Speaker:

Way 5 - Chunking One final way to establish effortless rapport is something

Speaker:

you might not have considered before - carefully moderating the questions you

Speaker:

ask people to control the level of detail of information you get.

Speaker:

There are two different modes we can adopt any time we ask someone a question.

Speaker:

Chunking down is about diving down into details and going from the general to

Speaker:

the specific.

Speaker:

Questions that chunk down give more color,

Speaker:

depth,

Speaker:

and richness to the conversation;

Speaker:

however,

Speaker:

if you stay too long mired in the details,

Speaker:

the conversation can quickly get lost,

Speaker:

overwhelmed,

Speaker:

or even boring.

Speaker:

We ask a chunking-down question every time we want to learn more,

Speaker:

and when we do so,

Speaker:

we build rapport since we are showing interest in the real nitty-gritty of what

Speaker:

we’re told.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

we could ask,

Speaker:

“How exactly did that happen?"

Speaker:

“Tell me more about XYZ ...” “Why did this specific thing happen?"

Speaker:

Chunking up goes in the other direction,

Speaker:

from the specific to the general.

Speaker:

We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching

Speaker:

patterns in the broader view—i.e.,

Speaker:

a model that fits all the smaller details inside it.

Speaker:

When we ask questions in this mode,

Speaker:

we are showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing

Speaker:

what we’re told,

Speaker:

which is a different way to build rapport.

Speaker:

For example,

Speaker:

we could ask “How does this tie into this other idea we spoke about,

Speaker:

XYZ ...?"

Speaker:

“What do all of these details mean?"

Speaker:

“What’s the pattern here?"

Speaker:

“What does this thing connect to?"

Speaker:

During conversations,

Speaker:

it’s not really a matter of which question mode is “best” but rather

Speaker:

keeping things varied.

Speaker:

Imagine you are zooming in and out,

Speaker:

first drilling down to learn more about the most interesting details,

Speaker:

then coming up for air and getting a broader view.

Speaker:

Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and

Speaker:

enjoyably,

Speaker:

your dynamic interest in what you’re being told will create a sense of

Speaker:

rapport with the other person.

Speaker:

At the very least,

Speaker:

simply avoid being in one mode for too long.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

for example,

Speaker:

if you notice that you’ve asked five chunking-up questions in a row,

Speaker:

be aware that you may be alienating the other person in overly abstract or

Speaker:

aloof hypotheticals.

Speaker:

Create balance by asking a detailed question,

Speaker:

which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy.

Speaker:

Similarly,

Speaker:

if you notice the conversation is feeling a little mired in one detail after

Speaker:

another (for example,

Speaker:

those conversations where people lose a narrative thread because they dwell too

Speaker:

long on the minute but insignificant details of who said what and when ...)

Speaker:

then pause,

Speaker:

zoom out,

Speaker:

and get a broader view of where you are.

Speaker:

You might say something like,

Speaker:

“So all in all,

Speaker:

it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day,

Speaker:

huh!"

Speaker:

Expressing Without Speaking.

Speaker:

How do you “read” people’s nonverbal communication?

Speaker:

Words are not the only things that carry meaning.

Speaker:

Appearance,

Speaker:

objects,

Speaker:

sound,

Speaker:

fragrance,

Speaker:

and even space all have socially shared significance.

Speaker:

Communication,

Speaker:

therefore,

Speaker:

includes expressions of the entire body,

Speaker:

movement,

Speaker:

gesture,

Speaker:

physical orientation,

Speaker:

and a range of “paralinguistic” cues already discussed,

Speaker:

such as voice pitch,

Speaker:

volume,

Speaker:

and intonation.

Speaker:

Proximity,

Speaker:

color,

Speaker:

even time—almost anything can serve as a carrier of meaning and therefore be

Speaker:

used in human communication.

Speaker:

How To Read Microexpressions.

Speaker:

A microexpression is a quick (just 0.5 to 4 seconds)

Speaker:

and involuntary facial expression produced when experiencing an emotion.

Speaker:

Microexpressions are genuine,

Speaker:

meaning they cannot be faked or concealed,

Speaker:

and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people.

Speaker:

The reasoning is that if you can accurately understand the emotional state of

Speaker:

the person in front of you,

Speaker:

communication automatically becomes easier,

Speaker:

more direct,

Speaker:

and more real.

Speaker:

It's possible that you are already able to read microexpressions,

Speaker:

but do so unconsciously.

Speaker:

Have you ever spoken to someone and,

Speaker:

even though they said all the right things and appeared to be smiling,

Speaker:

you still got a gut feeling that they were upset?

Speaker:

You might have come to this conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed

Speaker:

the genuine microexpression of anger and knew that this revealed the true

Speaker:

feeling.

Speaker:

What we might do unconsciously can be done with more deliberation and practice.

Speaker:

Basically,

Speaker:

the seven primary human emotions come from universal physiological responses to

Speaker:

the environment.

Speaker:

Microexpressions are quicker,

Speaker:

more subtle versions of the more obvious “macroexpressions” you’re

Speaker:

already familiar with.

Speaker:

As you read the following descriptions,

Speaker:

try to mirror and match them,

Speaker:

and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they represent!

Speaker:

Surprise.

Speaker:

•Raised and curved eyebrows.

Speaker:

•Stretched skin below the brow.

Speaker:

•Horizontal wrinkles across the forehead.

Speaker:

•Eyelids open,

Speaker:

with the white of the eye showing all around the iris.

Speaker:

•Jaw open and teeth parted,

Speaker:

but without tension in the mouth.

Speaker:

Fear.

Speaker:

•Eyebrows raised and knotted together.

Speaker:

•Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight across.

Speaker:

•Upper eyelid raised,

Speaker:

with lower lid also tense and drawn up.

Speaker:

•Eyes show white above the iris,

Speaker:

but not below it.

Speaker:

•Mouth open,

Speaker:

with lips slightly tense or stretched back.

Speaker:

Disgust.

Speaker:

•Eyes narrowed.

Speaker:

•Upper lip lifted.

Speaker:

•Upper teeth potentially exposed.

Speaker:

•Nose wrinkled.

Speaker:

•Cheeks raised.

Speaker:

Anger.

Speaker:

•Eyebrows lowered and pulled together.

Speaker:

•Vertical lines between the eyebrows.

Speaker:

•Lower lip tightened.

Speaker:

•Eyes staring or bulging.

Speaker:

•Lips can be pursed,

Speaker:

corners down,

Speaker:

or in a square shape,

Speaker:

as if shouting.

Speaker:

•Nostrils may be widened.

Speaker:

•Lower jaw juts forward.

Speaker:

Happiness.

Speaker:

•Corners of the lips pulled back and up.

Speaker:

•Mouth may or may not be parted,

Speaker:

teeth shown.

Speaker:

•A wrinkle appears from outer nose to outer lip.

Speaker:

•Cheeks raised.

Speaker:

•Lower eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little.

Speaker:

•Crow’s feet appear at the corners of the eyes.

Speaker:

Sadness.

Speaker:

•Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in and up.

Speaker:

•Corner of the lips drawn down.

Speaker:

•Jaw comes up.

Speaker:

•Lower lip pouts.

Speaker:

Contempt / Hate

Speaker:

•Fairly neutral expression.

Speaker:

•One side of the mouth raised.

Speaker:

Noticing microexpressions is only the beginning.

Speaker:

What do you do with your observations?

Speaker:

There are two possibilities - 1.

Speaker:

The microexpression aligns with what is being said,

Speaker:

in which case there is additional information and body language to add

Speaker:

dimension to what is being communicated to you.

Speaker:

2.

Speaker:

Or,

Speaker:

the microexpression in fact contradicts what is being said.

Speaker:

In this case,

Speaker:

you can assume that the person is concealing something (or flat out deceiving

Speaker:

you or themselves),

Speaker:

or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask.

Speaker:

But again,

Speaker:

this simply adds more data to your reading of them.

Speaker:

Posture And Body Orientation.

Speaker:

People's postures can reveal a great deal about them.

Speaker:

Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking

Speaker:

when you were texting them and,

Speaker:

as a result,

Speaker:

had an awkward misunderstanding?

Speaker:

This probably happened because an important channel of information was closed

Speaker:

off to you both—the nonverbal body-language cues that would have allowed you

Speaker:

to fine-tune your conversation.

Speaker:

Let’s revisit the idea of “open” and “closed” body posture.

Speaker:

Rather than taking any single action in isolation (“crossed arms means

Speaker:

you’re angry,

Speaker:

a toe pointing toward the door means you want to run away,” and so on ...),

Speaker:

observe the entire body as one unit.

Speaker:

An open posture portrays friendliness,

Speaker:

receptivity,

Speaker:

and positivity.  The feet are spread wide,

Speaker:

and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward/visible.  It’s

Speaker:

easy to see if someone’s overall demeanor is communicating openness,

Speaker:

but it’s just as important to be self-aware and make sure that you are also

Speaker:

communicating the right message with open postural language.

Speaker:

Keep a straight spine with your head lifted,

Speaker:

open the chest and relax the shoulders down,

Speaker:

loosen your facial features,

Speaker:

and turn your entire body to face the other person.

Speaker:

A closed posture portrays boredom,

Speaker:

hostility,

Speaker:

or detachment.

Speaker:

The impression is one of tension and tightness.

Speaker:

Arms and legs may be crossed;

Speaker:

the features of the face will be tight,

Speaker:

clenched,

Speaker:

or pulled;

Speaker:

hands will be closed or grasping;

Speaker:

and the body will either seem to be hunched or crumpled in on itself,

Speaker:

or else stiff and immobile,

Speaker:

perhaps with shoulders held too high.

Speaker:

Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this

Speaker:

or that tiny movement or gesture means,

Speaker:

but this is usually unnecessary.

Speaker:

You can achieve an incredible amount of insight into the person in front of you

Speaker:

by simply asking whether they are open or closed,

Speaker:

and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or

Speaker:

contradicts it.

Speaker:

Reading body language is not a foolproof science,

Speaker:

but rather a way to collect observations and seek out patterns.

Speaker:

There are two rules to effective body language reading - 1.

Speaker:

No single detail is decisive and conclusive 2.

Speaker:

Consider every observation against a baseline For example,

Speaker:

if you notice that someone’s arms are crossed,

Speaker:

you’d be wrong to conclude solely based on this observation that they are

Speaker:

angry or closed off.

Speaker:

Perhaps it’s winter and they’re simply cold.

Speaker:

This is why you need to consider context and a range of observations,

Speaker:

seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior.

Speaker:

If they’re scowling,

Speaker:

crossing their arms,

Speaker:

and turning away from you,

Speaker:

the conclusion that they’re angry holds more weight.

Speaker:

Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone

Speaker:

you’ve just met.

Speaker:

Are they coming on to you?

Speaker:

Don’t assume they are until you know what their baseline is,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

what is “normal” for them.

Speaker:

Notice that they hug and smile at everyone all the time,

Speaker:

and your observations suddenly don’t imply flirtatiousness anymore!

Speaker:

Eye Contact.

Speaker:

The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body that they

Speaker:

get classed as a form of communication all their own,

Speaker:

not to mention assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal

Speaker:

points (there’s a visual predicate right there!)

Speaker:

of love poetry the world over.

Speaker:

First things first - eye contact in itself is neither good nor bad.

Speaker:

Rather,

Speaker:

it’s a question of how you make it,

Speaker:

when,

Speaker:

and why.

Speaker:

More is not always better.

Speaker:

When you’re making eye contact with someone you’ve just met and don’t

Speaker:

know very well,

Speaker:

the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is

Speaker:

comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the

Speaker:

intensity and get to know the person a little better.

Speaker:

If they match and mirror this eye contact,

Speaker:

consider that your message has been heard and the response is broadly positive.

Speaker:

Better eye contact skills will reap benefits in the workplace,

Speaker:

will make you a better public speaker,

Speaker:

will help you smooth over conflicts,

Speaker:

and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex.

Speaker:

In a study led by Dr. Arthur Aron,

Speaker:

men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look into each

Speaker:

other’s eyes for two minutes straight.

Speaker:

These couples later reported feelings of attraction,

Speaker:

affection,

Speaker:

and even love for the people they originally met as strangers.

Speaker:

Surprisingly,

Speaker:

one of the couples even married!

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

the eyes are powerful communicators.

Speaker:

Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity,

Speaker:

but too much can be disastrous.

Speaker:

Whatever you do,

Speaker:

you don’t want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome.

Speaker:

Don’t stare at people.

Speaker:

If you’re looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then

Speaker:

return their gaze,

Speaker:

and you are still looking at them,

Speaker:

this will feel intrusive and even violating to them.

Speaker:

In his book,

Speaker:

The Power of Eye Contact.,

Speaker:

psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains,

Speaker:

“In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual

Speaker:

will on another;

Speaker:

it is a shared experience.

Speaker:

Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first;

Speaker:

one partner then tests the waters and tries a few seconds,

Speaker:

and when that is met warmly,

Speaker:

the pair can begin ramping up the eye contact together until they are locked in

Speaker:

a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes."

Speaker:

A good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact,

Speaker:

but after two unsuccessful attempts to catch their eye,

Speaker:

stop.

Speaker:

Be mindful of the rest of your body language,

Speaker:

and moderate yourself.

Speaker:

Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable,

Speaker:

whereas eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be

Speaker:

overwhelming.

Speaker:

Another good idea is to take frequent pauses—a little eye contact goes a long

Speaker:

way.

Speaker:

Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while (look to the side,

Speaker:

not down),

Speaker:

or try career expert Kara Ronin’s “triangle technique” to cut potential

Speaker:

awkwardness - 1.

Speaker:

Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their

Speaker:

eyes and mouth.  2.

Speaker:

During the conversation,

Speaker:

change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to

Speaker:

another.

Speaker:

This will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without

Speaker:

coming across as creepy!

Speaker:

Paralinguistics.

Speaker:

As you become a more active speaker and listener,

Speaker:

increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances of verbal communication can

Speaker:

contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with

Speaker:

others.

Speaker:

This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of,

Speaker:

and connection with,

Speaker:

those around you.

Speaker:

When you speak,

Speaker:

you expose a great deal about yourself,

Speaker:

much of which frequently has nothing at all to do with the words you are

Speaker:

using. The term "paralinguistics" refers to the study of voice tone,

Speaker:

volume,

Speaker:

inflection,

Speaker:

and pitch and other components of nonverbal vocal communication that we’ve

Speaker:

already briefly explored.

Speaker:

Pay attention to your own voice and its function—it takes effort and practice

Speaker:

to become a comfortable,

Speaker:

conscious speaker.

Speaker:

Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the

Speaker:

interpretation of what you're saying.

Speaker:

It’s possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and

Speaker:

contempt—while using the very same words!

Speaker:

How people deliver their words is as important as the words themselves.

Speaker:

Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are

Speaker:

communicating with you,

Speaker:

and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously.

Speaker:

The Four Ps Of Voice.

Speaker:

Imagine that speaking is like a train ride—peaks and valleys are more

Speaker:

exciting and adventurous,

Speaker:

while flat,

Speaker:

unchanging terrain is not.

Speaker:

Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks,

Speaker:

valleys,

Speaker:

flat terrains,

Speaker:

and pauses.

Speaker:

Likewise,

Speaker:

listen to the “landscape” of other people’s speech and see what it tells

Speaker:

you about their state of mind and the message they’re sharing beyond the

Speaker:

words they use.

Speaker:

1.

Speaker:

Power/Projection - how loud or soft you speak Modify your voice projection and

Speaker:

speak loudly if you’re addressing more people.

Speaker:

A confident speaker has good projection.

Speaker:

Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen.

Speaker:

When telling a secret (or wanting people to come closer to you),

Speaker:

employ low projection.

Speaker:

2.

Speaker:

Pace - how fast or slowly you speak Quick speech implies nervousness,

Speaker:

energy,

Speaker:

enthusiasm,

Speaker:

force,

Speaker:

or even fear.

Speaker:

Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity—or else be boring.

Speaker:

Be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want

Speaker:

it to have on others.

Speaker:

3.

Speaker:

Pitch - high or low Pitch conveys emotion—high pitch reflects wrath,

Speaker:

happiness,

Speaker:

surprise,

Speaker:

or excitement.

Speaker:

Low pitch expresses power,

Speaker:

relaxation,

Speaker:

aggression,

Speaker:

or sadness.

Speaker:

4.

Speaker:

Pause - quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process

Speaker:

Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an

Speaker:

admission that you forgot what you were saying.

Speaker:

But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful;

Speaker:

they use them to add significance to their words and pace themselves,

Speaker:

keeping their listeners on board with what they’re saying.

Speaker:

Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their

Speaker:

audience.

Speaker:

How To Improve Your Vocal Variety.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

how do you know whether to pause or not?

Speaker:

How do you know when to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch?

Speaker:

Well,

Speaker:

imagine that all the shades and nuances available in your voice are like colors

Speaker:

in a palette.

Speaker:

Whatever you’re communicating,

Speaker:

you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you’re using a

Speaker:

full,

Speaker:

rich palette of colors.

Speaker:

“Vocal variety” is a little like being physically flexible and fit—it

Speaker:

means we are familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our

Speaker:

voice’s potential.

Speaker:

And like physical fitness,

Speaker:

we can train this variety.

Speaker:

Here are a few ideas.

Speaker:

•Before you socialize,

Speaker:

literally warm up your vocal cords,

Speaker:

like an actor before a rehearsal.

Speaker:

Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying mamamama and wawawawa sounds,

Speaker:

or do “lip trills” where you forcefully blow “raspberries” by expelling

Speaker:

a stream of air through pursed lips.

Speaker:

This develops both breath and vocal control.

Speaker:

•Practice diaphragm breathing.

Speaker:

Place one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep breaths so

Speaker:

that only your belly hand rises.

Speaker:

After a few breaths,

Speaker:

see if you can speak a long,

Speaker:

slow sentence on one full belly breath.

Speaker:

Play around with what it feels like to control this stream of air so that your

Speaker:

voice is calm and measured.

Speaker:

•Pick a random passage of text (children’s storybooks are great for this)

Speaker:

and read through the passage,

Speaker:

first in a dull monotone.

Speaker:

Then,

Speaker:

read through it again,

Speaker:

trying to add as much color as possible—change your pitch,

Speaker:

pacing,

Speaker:

tone—be dramatic!

Speaker:

Interactions can be awkward at first simply because you’re using vocal

Speaker:

muscles that are not warmed up.

Speaker:

Warm up this way and you’ll feel more vocally limber when you next enter a

Speaker:

conversation.

Speaker:

•If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high or low,

Speaker:

or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume,

Speaker:

consider taking up singing to help improve your vocal mastery.

Speaker:

Even chanting can help!

Speaker:

•An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting.

Speaker:

When you think of your voice as an expressive and artistic tool,

Speaker:

you become far more aware of its power—and how you can use this power

Speaker:

according to your own ends.

Speaker:

The irony is that the better you are able to master and control your own voice,

Speaker:

and the more self-awareness you have around your voice,

Speaker:

the better you will become at hearing other people’s voices in three

Speaker:

dimensions!

Speaker:

You will notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend’s speech and

Speaker:

understand that they’re nervous.

Speaker:

You’ll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone’s rising

Speaker:

excitement ...and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and

Speaker:

support for that excitement.

Speaker:

Communication is not just vocal,

Speaker:

but that doesn’t mean that the voice isn’t an extremely powerful and

Speaker:

flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything.

Speaker:

Summary -

Speaker:

•The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the

Speaker:

one that will best allow you to connect,

Speaker:

meet your needs,

Speaker:

solve problems,

Speaker:

and express yourself.

Speaker:

•Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is -

Speaker:

aggressive,

Speaker:

passive-aggressive,

Speaker:

or manipulative.

Speaker:

None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication,

Speaker:

however.

Speaker:

•The way you communicate is a choice.

Speaker:

Assertive communication is the ability to express needs,

Speaker:

wants,

Speaker:

thoughts,

Speaker:

and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others.

Speaker:

Mature conversationalists are self-controlled,

Speaker:

balanced,

Speaker:

relaxed,

Speaker:

open,

Speaker:

and respectful.

Speaker:

•Communicating well is simple and easy,

Speaker:

but we need to remove the formidable psychological barriers that stand in the

Speaker:

way.

Speaker:

With awareness,

Speaker:

we can remove them and improve our communication skills.

Speaker:

•Barriers to good conversation include assumptions,

Speaker:

strong negative emotions like anger and aggression (which inspire

Speaker:

defensiveness),

Speaker:

preconceived ideas and prejudice,

Speaker:

fear,

Speaker:

inflexibility and a need to control,

Speaker:

premature evaluation and judgment,

Speaker:

and other negative conversational habits like interrupting or one-upping.

Speaker:

•Good conversation is firstly about the degree of concordance,

Speaker:

harmony,

Speaker:

and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to,

Speaker:

i.e.,

Speaker:

rapport.

Speaker:

•We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both nonverbal and verbal

Speaker:

expression.

Speaker:

This can be done with internal and external cues,

Speaker:

voice and language,

Speaker:

content,

Speaker:

and chunking style (i.e.,

Speaker:

up or down).

Speaker:

•When reading someone’s body language,

Speaker:

pay attention to microexpressions,

Speaker:

their overall posture and orientation in space,

Speaker:

as well as their degree of eye contact. Paralinguistics. refers to information

Speaker:

carried in the tone,

Speaker:

pace,

Speaker:

pitch,

Speaker:

etc. of the voice.

Speaker:

•Think in terms of overall openness or closedness,

Speaker:

but remember that no single detail is decisive and conclusive,

Speaker:

and that observations should always be compared against a baseline.

Speaker:

This has been

Speaker:

Communication Skills Training:

Speaker:

How to Talk to Anyone,

Speaker:

Speak with Clarity,

Speaker:

& Handle Any Situation (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 24) Written by

Speaker:

Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.

Next Episode All Episodes Previous Episode

Listen for free

Show artwork for Voice over Work - An Audiobook Sampler

About the Podcast

Voice over Work - An Audiobook Sampler
Audiobook synopsises for the masses
You know that guy that reads all the time, and always has a book recommendation for you?

Well, I read and/or produce hundreds of audiobooks a year, and when I read one that has good material, I feature it here. This is my Recommended Listening list. These choices are not influenced by authors or sponsors, just books worthy of your consideration.

About your host

Profile picture for Russell Newton

Russell Newton