Small Talk: Why We Need It and What to Avoid - Unspoken Rules Audiobook Spotlight by Patrick King
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00:01:35 Try to completely avoid the following topics: 1. Appearances 2. Money 3. Sex 4. Politics 5. Religion
00:02:04 Appearances What’s the best way to comment on someone’s appearance?
00:04:32 Why you should avoid commenting on weight, body shape, or eating habits entirely.
00:06:50 Money - Just don’t talk about it!
00:08:30 Sex, Politics, and Religion The classic trio.
Human relationships are built when people increase intimacy, i.e., slowly close the gap between them. But this cannot be rushed. Even two people who are madly in love living happily ever after had to first start with a hello and a little chit chat about nothing in particular.
Many people think that small talk is a hindrance, but it’s actually what makes it possible to have the deep and meaningful conversations.
Transcript
Human relationships are built when people increase intimacy, i.e., slowly close the
Speaker:gap between them.
Speaker:But this cannot be rushed.
Speaker:Even two people who are madly in love living happily ever after had to first start with
Speaker:a hello and a little chit chat about nothing in particular.
Speaker:Many people think that small talk is a hindrance, but it’s actually what makes it possible
Speaker:to have the deep and meaningful conversations.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because if you barge ahead and try to engage with someone on a very intimate level early
Speaker:on in a conversation, it’s a little like rushing up to a stranger and giving them a
Speaker:kiss.
Speaker:It might work out for the best ... but your chances of causing outrageous offense are
Speaker:probably far, far greater!
Speaker:What’s more, this offense might be so great that you could permanently put off someone
Speaker:who might have actually wanted to give you a kiss at some point anyway.
Speaker:That’s what small talk is about—lowering the chances of causing offense and increasing
Speaker:the chances of later connection and rapport.
Speaker:With that in mind, let’s look at the topics and ideas that almost all cultures can agree
Speaker:are out of bounds when it comes to successful small talk.
Speaker:Sure, you might talk about these things with people once you know them better.
Speaker:In fact, gradually broaching these topics is a clear signal that you are closing that
Speaker:gap and creating more distance with someone.
Speaker:But unless you’re at that point, try to completely avoid the following topics:
Speaker:1.
Speaker:Appearances
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Money
Speaker:3.
Speaker:Sex
Speaker:4.
Speaker:Politics
Speaker:5.
Speaker:Religion
Speaker:Yes, yes, everyone knows that these are the most interesting things!
Speaker:But ignore this rule at your peril.
Speaker:Let’s take a closer look.
Speaker:Appearances
Speaker:What’s the best way to comment on someone’s appearance?
The answer is:there isn’t one.
The answer is:Just don’t do it.
The answer is:Period.
The answer is:Clinical psychologist Dr. Desta suggests the “five second rule,” which goes like this:
The answer is:“You can comment on any aspect of someone's appearance if and only if they can change
The answer is:it in five seconds.
The answer is:If it would take them more than five seconds to change it, then hush.
The answer is:Especially if the comment is based on your opinion."
The answer is:•If someone has a little crumb stuck to the side of their face—you can comment on
The answer is:it since it will only take them a moment to address.
The answer is:•If someone appears to be tired and disheveled—don’t
The answer is:comment, since they can’t do much to fix
The answer is:any of that in just five seconds!
The answer is:•If someone’s necklace is on backward—you can say something.
The answer is:•If someone is dressed too formally for the occasion—stay quiet.
The answer is:There’s nothing they can do about it now, right?
The answer is:Generally, avoid commenting on someone’s weight, age, body size, outfit, teeth, scars,
The answer is:acne, injuries, race, hair type or style, height, face structure ... you get the picture!
The answer is:So if you see someone who’s got a horrendous sunburn, keep quiet about it.
The answer is:You saying, “Oh my God, look at your horrendous sun burn!” will only put them on the spot
The answer is:and make them feel uncomfortable and judged.
The answer is:If you’re wondering “what about giving them a nice compliment?”
The answer is:well, this can be as dangerous a minefield as a thinly veiled insult.
The answer is:Consider the topic of weight loss.
The answer is:You see an old friend who’s lost a bunch of weight, and say, “Woah, you’ve lost
The answer is:so much weight.
The answer is:You look amazing!"
The answer is:But later you find out she has been battling cancer and chemo treatment, and her weight
The answer is:loss is something she’s deeply embarrassed and unhappy about.
The answer is:Oops.
The answer is:Or perhaps she doesn’t have cancer at all and has just naturally lost a bit of weight,
The answer is:but now she thinks to herself, “I didn’t think I was fat before ... but I do now."
The answer is:Oops again—your comment will feel like judgment even if it’s intended to be praise.
The answer is:According to LA eating disorder specialist Dr. Lauren Muhlheim, this is why you should
The answer is:simply avoid commenting on weight, body shape, or eating habits entirely.
The answer is:Even if it feels like you’re being complimentary, you are actually making value judgments about
The answer is:what kinds of bodies or lifestyles are better than others.
The answer is:For example, the person being praised for losing weight may register the conditional
The answer is:nature of that statement (i.e., you’ll be unhappy if they gain weight), and the other
The answer is:people in the room may wonder, “Does that mean they think badly about my body, then?”
The answer is:It's a minefield.
The answer is:Best to avoid mentioning these topics at all, and that includes things like eating habits—how
The answer is:much you eat, why, what kind of food, when, and so on.
The answer is:This can be just as damaging, if not more so.
The answer is:Avoid commenting on dietary restrictions or things like vegetarianism, on the size of
The answer is:their portion, on how “clean” or healthy their meal is, on the cost, on the way they’re
The answer is:eating it, on their appetite, or on their tastes and preferences.
The answer is:Food is a deeply personal matter, and you can quickly cause offense before you know
The answer is:it.
The answer is:It goes deeper than this, though.
The answer is:If you want to give a compliment, do so for something you know the person themselves is
The answer is:proud about, i.e., something they can and have controlled.
The answer is:If you praise someone for their beautiful eye color, you are praising them for something
The answer is:they had no hand in, and therefore it might feel like a completely hollow observation.
The answer is:It’s even worse if you compliment them for something that is only valuable to you but
The answer is:not them (for example, men may cause offense by complimenting a woman’s sexiness, unaware
The answer is:that she regards sexiness as the very least interesting thing about her).
The answer is:People often feel far more validated and seen if you acknowledge their hard work, their
The answer is:strength, their kindness, their unique personality,
The answer is:their creative efforts, or how much dedication
The answer is:they’ve put into a much-loved project.
The answer is:Money
e is much less of a minefield:just don’t talk about it!
e is much less of a minefield:Appropriate questions and comments:
e is much less of a minefield:•A person’s job
e is much less of a minefield:•What they like about that job
e is much less of a minefield:•... and that’s about it
e is much less of a minefield:Inappropriate questions and comments:
e is much less of a minefield:•Their salary
e is much less of a minefield:•How much they have saved or invested
e is much less of a minefield:•How much they paid for something, including their house or car
e is much less of a minefield:•How much debt they have
e is much less of a minefield:•Whether they can afford something or not
e is much less of a minefield:•What their credit rating is
e is much less of a minefield:•Whether you can borrow money from them!
e is much less of a minefield:The reason is obvious—talking about money is a fast track for landing in uncomfortable
e is much less of a minefield:and awkward territory that may lead to misunderstandings,
e is much less of a minefield:judgments, and hurt feelings.
e is much less of a minefield:Don’t ask for money advice or give it.
e is much less of a minefield:Similarly, avoid putting hard figures on things and broadcasting strong opinions about costs.
e is much less of a minefield:If you say something like, “You’d have to be an idiot to buy that—no coffee machine
e is much less of a minefield:is worth four thousand dollars,” or, “It’s only four thousand dollars?
e is much less of a minefield:What a bargain!
e is much less of a minefield:I should get two,” then you are sending strong, possibly alienating messages to people
e is much less of a minefield:around you.
e is much less of a minefield:If you can, be gracious and avoid overly probing questions, and change the topic if people
e is much less of a minefield:are being nosy.
e is much less of a minefield:Money is not just about money, though—try to be mindful and avoid judgments or assumptions
e is much less of a minefield:about people’s backgrounds, their socio-economic class, or what is considered either cheap
e is much less of a minefield:or a luxury.
e is much less of a minefield:Sex, Politics, and Religion
e is much less of a minefield:The classic trio ... and for a good reason!
e is much less of a minefield:Steer clear of bringing up these subjects unless you want to run the risk of being thrust
e is much less of a minefield:into the middle of an, uh, animated discussion.
e is much less of a minefield:All three topics are extremely personal and almost guaranteed to invite disagreement or
e is much less of a minefield:outright division.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s simply too easy to offend people.
e is much less of a minefield:And it’s never worth it.
e is much less of a minefield:If you find this particular conversation rule annoying, just remind yourself that the function
e is much less of a minefield:of small talk is not to bring anyone around to your opinion or put the world to rights.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s only about creating connection and rapport—that’s it.
e is much less of a minefield:It doesn’t matter in the least who’s “right."
e is much less of a minefield:Imagine having a relative stranger come up to you and tell you all about exactly what
e is much less of a minefield:they think of gay adoption, gun ownership, and the good Lord himself.
e is much less of a minefield:Are you interested?
e is much less of a minefield:Probably not!
e is much less of a minefield:Just remember that when you feel compelled to share your opinions with others—in the
e is much less of a minefield:best way possible, they’re likely not interested.
e is much less of a minefield:There’s nothing to say you can’t share all your deepest and potentially controversial
e is much less of a minefield:opinions with people later when you know them better ... only that there is a time and a
e is much less of a minefield:place, and it’s usually not when you’ve just met them.
e is much less of a minefield:The reason these topics are off-limits is, again, because they create a degree of closeness
e is much less of a minefield:and intimacy that might not be appropriate or shared.
e is much less of a minefield:Remember that small talk is gradual.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s not merely politeness that keeps you from talking about life after death or feminism
e is much less of a minefield:or universal basic income with people you don’t know well.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s treating more sensitive topics with a greater degree of care and tact.
