Setting Boundaries: A Guide to Respecting Yourself and Others
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00:00:09 Tip 1: Don’t Make People Repeat Themselves.
00:00:44 Tip 2: Don’t Punish People For Their Boundaries.
00:02:05 Tip 3: Nonverbal Cues Count, Too.
00:03:00 Tip 4: Be Open-minded and Understand That Things Can Change.
00:03:33 Tip 5: Forgive Yourself If You Don’t Always Get It Right.
How to Respectfully Assert Your Own Boundaries
00:04:30 Tip 1: Communicate Clearly, Early, and Often.
00:05:32 Tip 2: Do Not Apologize, Explain, or Justify.
00:06:25 Tip 3: Take Your Own Boundary Seriously.
How to Respect Other People’s Boundaries
Tip 1: Don’t make people repeat themselves.
Tip 2: Don’t punish people for their boundaries.
Even if you do feel upset or disappointed because they cannot fulfill a request, for example, understand that that is about you—your feelings about their boundaries are not their problem, and they are not compelled to act in ways to offset that or “make it up to you” some other way.
Tip 3: Nonverbal cues count, too.
Tip 4: Be open-minded and understand that things can change.
Tip 5: Forgive yourself if you don’t always get it right.
How to Respectfully Assert Your Own Boundaries
Guess what? All the respect and dignity that you are responsible for giving others is something that you yourself are also entitled to! Boundaries are two-way things, and you are perfectly within your rights to know your limits, communicate them, and take action if others don’t respect them.
Tip 1: Communicate clearly, early, and often.
Tip 2: Do not apologize, explain, or justify.
Tip 3: Take your own boundary seriously.
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Transcript
Hello, listeners.
Speaker:Welcome back to voiceover work and audiobook sampler.
Speaker:Where do you listen?
Speaker:Today is Sunday the 7, May 2023.
Speaker:Say please and thank you.
Speaker:Don't stand still in front of a door.
Speaker:Say hi and smile.
Speaker:Don't ask about salary.
Speaker:These are all previously unspoken and unwritten social rules.
Speaker:Patrick King wrote an entire book on this subject called, aptly enough, Unspoken Social Rules and Etiquette.
Speaker:It's a guidebook for the modern age.
Speaker:Today's bonus episode comes from that book.
Speaker:And it's on setting limits for yourself and respecting the limits and boundaries that.
Speaker:Other people place for themselves.
Speaker:Thanks for joining us today.
Speaker:Here are the unspoken rules for both respecting and defending a boundary.
Speaker:You'll notice that it's basically the same skill set how to respect other people's boundaries.
Speaker:Tip one don't make people repeat themselves.
Speaker:If someone is timid, unsure, or not.
Speaker:Very assertive, that doesn't mean they're any.
Speaker:Less entitled to assert their boundary.
Speaker:It isn't an invitation to negotiate or push on the boundary.
Speaker:Basically, no is no.
Speaker:There's seldom any need to ask if people are sure or to try to find some wiggle room.
Speaker:You'll communicate respect and dignity for you both if you take people's word for it and move on.
Speaker:Tip two don't punish people for their boundaries.
Speaker:This is definitely creeping into abusive territory, but it's something almost all of us are guilty of to some degree.
Speaker:It's manipulation, pure and simple.
Speaker:If someone tells you that they can't come to your party, don't say it's fine.
Speaker:Only to follow that with a sarcastic dig about how you understand that everything else is more important to them than you are.
Speaker:Responding to people's limits with passive aggression, judgment, suspicion, or hurt is not actually respecting their boundaries.
Speaker:You're just saying, I'll be respectful, but it'll cost you.
Speaker:This may damage trust even more than outright violating a boundary.
Speaker:Even if you do feel upset or disappointed because they can't fulfill a request, for example, understand that this is about you, your feelings about their boundaries and not their problem, and they are not compelled to act in ways to offset that or make it up to you some other way.
Speaker:Feeling rejected, embarrassed, surprised, angry, sad, et cetera are all valid feelings, but they're something to process on your own time.
Speaker:Just because your response is valid, it doesn't mean that their boundary isn't.
Speaker:Tip Three nonverbal cues count too.
Speaker:Remember the person who was saying that's interesting, but forcefully leaning back to get away from the other person?
Speaker:In some situations, you may need to be alert and mindful to the fact that people may not always communicate their.
Speaker:Boundaries clearly and verbally.
Speaker:Women especially may be socialized to always be kind, sweet, and accommodating.
Speaker:This makes it very difficult for them to firmly say no, so they may end up sending confusing, mixed messages.
Speaker:In this case, if you do notice that someone's nonverbal communication doesn't match their verbal communication, assume that you're making the person uncomfortable and err on the side of retracting demands and taking a step back, physically or figuratively.
Speaker:Tip Four be open minded and understand that things can change.
Speaker:People are complex.
Speaker:Their boundaries depend on their wants and limits, and these things will change over time.
Speaker:Recognize that people are allowed to change their mind about what is comfortable for them.
Speaker:People are not beholden to a boundary for the rest of time.
Speaker:This is why communication is important, because limits are boundaries that are constantly moving.
Speaker:They need to be communicated more than once.
Speaker:Tip Five forgive yourself if you don't always get it right.
Speaker:Even with the best of intentions, mistakes happen and misunderstandings can hurt feelings.
Speaker:Everyone will accidentally violate a boundary now and then.
Speaker:We're only human.
Speaker:See what you can learn from the situation and move on.
Speaker:Beating yourself up about it helps nobody.
Speaker:How to respectfully assert your own boundaries.
Speaker:Guess what?
Speaker:All the respect and dignity that you're responsible for giving others is something that you yourself are also entitled to.
Speaker:Boundaries are two way things, and you are perfectly within your rights to know your limits, communicate them, and take action if others don't respect them.
Speaker:But though you are entitled to your own limits, it is your job to communicate them and assert them.
Speaker:Tip one communicate clearly, early and often.
Speaker:People cannot read your mind.
Speaker:Don't assume that anything is obvious.
Speaker:If you don't like something, say so.
Speaker:Don't wait for others to guess how you feel and then get angry when they guess wrong.
Speaker:Also, it's a good idea to be proactive and speak up before the situation comes to a head.
Speaker:This could be as simple as stating.
Speaker:At the start of a meeting that.
Speaker:You only have an hour and have to tend to other commitments after that hour.
Speaker:The earlier you establish what your boundary is, the more casual and relaxed you can be and the easier it is to carry yourself with confidence and dignity.
Speaker:People who have trouble asserting boundaries often think that it's awkward or will alienate other people.
Speaker:In fact, others are often relieved and put at ease if you are clear, calm and friendly, that's because they know exactly where they stand with you.
Speaker:Tip Two do not Apologize, explain or Justify you are entitled to have a boundary just because you are a human being.
Speaker:You never have to present a boundary to someone as though you're making an argument that you hope they will like or agree with.
Speaker:Being polite is one thing.
Speaker:They don't have to walk on eggshells or try to offer them something else to soften your rejection or denial.
Speaker:Finally, when you apologize, you are actually weakening your assertion, not strengthening it.
Speaker:You're never the bad guy for saying.
Speaker:No, and the other person's feelings are.
Speaker:Their responsibility, not yours.
Speaker:If you're worried you'll feel guilty for saying no, try to gain some distance.
Speaker:Ask for a little more time after a request or respond to it in writing so you have more control.
Speaker:Tip Three take your own boundary seriously.
Speaker:Too many people set a boundary, assert it, and then do precisely nothing when people trample over it again and again.
Speaker:It's important to understand that setting a boundary isn't making a claim about how others should behave, it's a claim on how you will behave.
Speaker:It's saying, These are the conditions under which I agree to interact with you.
Speaker:That means that if people continually disrespect your boundaries, the onus is on you to follow through.
Speaker:That might mean taking certain actions, or it might mean terminating your relationship with that person entirely.
Speaker:Either way, people will be far more likely to respect your boundaries if you yourself treat them as something to be taken seriously.
Speaker:This has been unspoken.
Speaker:Social Rules and etiquette.
Speaker:Uncommon Sense and how to act written by Patrick King narrated by Russell Newton Copyright 2023 by Patrick King.
Speaker:Production copyright by Patrick King more information.
