How to Apologize

You didn’t mean to, but you’re only human, and you’ve done something that’s upset someone else. Uh oh—what now? Well, there’s good news and bad news. Having to say sorry puts you in a difficult position, but the good news is that if you handle it correctly, your relationship with that person could actually be stronger afterward. That’s because a good apology shows maturity, respect, remorse, and a genuine understanding—and that can open doors to a deeper connection with someone.

The way in which you deliver your apology and the subtle nuances in the language you use play an important part in how it is received. There is no magic in the words "I'm sorry" or "please forgive me.” Rather, we convey our sense of regret and true desire to fix things up with everything else that surrounds those words!

The big unspoken rule here, of course, is that you should in fact apologize. Never assume that one is not needed. Never assume that you don’t have to apologize if you feel bad enough yourself or if it was an accident or if the other person has also hurt you in some way. If you’re in the wrong and you’ve caused harm, then an apology is necessary.

That said, a badly formulated apology can be worse than none at all. We’ve all experienced that sorry-not-sorry kind of apology that actually inflames hurt feelings. If you’ve ever started an apology with “I’m sorry, but...” then you already know how utterly useless it is at making other people feel better!

Let’s say you asked a friend to stay at their family summer house and they agreed, but asked you to not invite too many others since the place is filled with delicate antiques. You secretly held a party there anyway, and as a result, a drunken guest tripped over a side table and smashed a priceless porcelain vase that belonged to your friend’s great-grandmother. There’s no two ways around it: You messed up and owe your friend an apology.

Here's How Not To Apologize: You text your friend and tell her the bad news, emphasizing how you never meant it to happen and how awful you feel now, but that it’s the other friend’s fault and you really hope she can forgive you. Then when she is icy with you, you get irritated and keep asking, “Why are you still upset? What do you want me to do? I can’t go back in time, you know!”

Let’s look at a better way to do it.

The Six-Step Apology

ht to follow (Lewicki et al.,: 2016

Expression of Regret

First, you need to apologize for your actions. Literally say the words “apologize” or “sorry” so that it’s crystal clear what you’re doing. Here, tone is important. Whatever you say will seem empty if you're unsympathetic, snarky, or irritated. If you rush, it seems like you don’t take the whole thing seriously, so slow down and be polite and sincere.

“Friend, I want to apologize for what I did and let you know how sorry I am.”

Explanation of What Went Wrong

It’s important not to start with this; otherwise, it may seem like you’re making excuses. You’re explaining, but you’re not excusing, justifying, or defending. This step is not for your benefit but theirs: You want them to know what your intentions were—which were not to hurt them! Try to communicate that things went wrong not because you didn’t care or you deliberately intended them harm. This may seem obvious to you, but it’s a courteous thing to spell it out deliberately to them.

“I never planned for any of it to happen. I invited Jane over but did not anticipate her getting drunk that evening and never guessed she’d damage something so valuable.”

Take Responsibility

If there’s one thing that can completely invalidate an apology, it’s the feeling that the person doesn’t actually believe they are to blame for what’s happened. When you are not accountable for the results of your own actions or try to blame others, people will seldom let you off the hook but will rather get annoyed that you are not maturely owning your part in the situation. They may in fact respond with more blame to force you to accept your responsibility.

Instead, be brave, drop your ego and defensiveness, and come clean. Show them that you are genuinely aware of your conduct and how it has affected them. For this step to be achieved, you need to accept total responsibility. Even if it is a freak accident out of your control or you didn’t mean it, you are still accepting the fact that your actions caused certain consequences.

“Nevertheless, I accept full responsibility for going against your wishes and inviting her. It was my carelessness to blame for the vase being broken.”

 

Declare Your Repentance

People who are wronged feel a sense of injustice. They really want to know that the bad thing is not going to happen again. But of course, it’s not satisfying to simply have an empty promise—you have to mean it. "That was the most important factor in our second study,” says Lewicki. You need to communicate that you regret what happened and have learned your lesson. If you promise to do something, do it. If you don’t, that apology and all others instantly lose their value.

“It’s too late to change anything now, but I feel so desperately regretful that I allowed that to happen. I wish now that I had behaved better, but I can only say I have learned my lesson and will never do something so disrespectful to a valued friend ever again. I know that it will take time to trust me again, but I want to give you my word that I will never be so inconsiderate with your kindness again.”

Make an Offer for Reparations

Because of the sense of injustice, you can go some way to fixing things by offering to balance the scales again. Show them that you are aware they’ve been wronged and that you are willing to take steps to compensate them somehow. Granted, this won’t always be possible, but to the extent you can, offer to make things right in concrete, valuable ways. You need them to feel that you're not just sorry in the moment but have a real plan to repair things. If people feel like the incident has at least led to improved outcomes in the future, your apology will feel like it’s worth a lot more. You could offer to pay for damages, or consider a gift, kind gesture, or token/symbol of your remorse. Importantly, it has to be something they value, not you.

“I understand that the vase was not only incredibly expensive, but that it also had sentimental value. Though I realize it doesn’t begin to make up for the loss, I have sought a specialist who is able to treat porcelain damage of this kind, and will pay for a full assessment and repair, should you give your permission.”

Ask for Forgiveness

Interestingly, this was, according to Lewicki, the least important part of an effective apology. He recommends you lead up to this part and only ask for forgiveness once you’ve covered all the other steps. Starting with a request for forgiveness is actually asking the other person to do something for you—and to do it without any effort on your behalf.

Instead, ask for forgiveness as a cherry on top. Remember that you are only asking, not demanding. They are not obliged to forgive you, and you’d be unwise to push for it. If they are still angry or upset, then respect that and give them their space. Do not make them feel bad, guilty, or wrong for still being unhappy—that is their prerogative. Even if you give the perfect apology, you cannot predict or control other people’s emotions or how they will respond to your remorse. However, the gracious thing to do is always to apologize fully, but only once. Continuing to apologize sets up strained dynamics. Be as sincere as you can, then back off and let time do its work.

“Again, I feel awful about all of this, and I can’t imagine how you must feel, but I hope in time you can forgive me.”

You might be wondering what form an apology should take. Ideally, you should apologize as soon as possible, but if it’s appropriate, it might be worth waiting a little while if it means you can issue a more formal and prepared apology in writing. Waiting a little while also gives you time to gather your thoughts and think about what you can do to make reparations.

Texts or messages relayed through others are a bad idea unless the offense was very, very minor. As far as possible, try to meet in person, or if you’re conveying apologies in writing, do some with the proper formality, i.e., send a handwritten note or a properly constructed, grammatically correct email. Depending on the size of the transgression, you might like to send a card plus a small gift, like flowers, chocolates, wine, or something that connects to the issue at hand.

A Few Things to Avoid:

•Passive voice, i.e., talking as though a problem just happened, rather than you were the active agent causing it to happen. For example, say “I’m sorry I hurt you” instead of “I’m sorry you were hurt.”

•Expressing how bad you feel. You might be feeling completely rotten and eaten up with guilt, but to be honest, this is not really relevant for the other person. The last thing you want to do is make it all about you or even make the other person feel like your response is somehow theirs to deal with on top of the original issue.

•Expecting that you are owed anything just because you apologized. Say sorry because it’s the right thing to do. Then, it’s out of your hands. That means that it’s not up to you to decide what happens next. Sometimes, the Bad Thing is bad enough to permanently end a relationship or change it in ways you don’t like. It’s sad, but we cannot get upset with others because of their responses to our actions.

•That said, there’s no need to beg and plead and keep on apologizing forever. Say your piece, be better, then move on as much as you can.

One Last Thing to consider: what’s the best way to accept an apology?

Well, if it’s offered sincerely and with a genuine intent to make things right, to show remorse, and to repair the relationship, then say thank you and take a moment to decide what you want to do. You can be polite and courteous and still not accept an apology, if that’s how you feel. Still, there’s a lot to be said for acknowledging anyone’s sincere effort to take responsibility for themselves and say sorry. Kindly acknowledge this effort, but it’s okay to ask for time to think things over, process your feelings, or get a little space. Making it known that you are unhappy is not rude or inconsiderate—as with all etiquette rules, it’s about how you do it.

“Hi, friend. I really appreciate that you had the decency to write me an apology for what happened at the summer house, and I’m sure that took courage. Thank you for making inquiries about getting the vase repaired. I value our friendship and I am thankful that you are taking steps to make things right between us. For the next little while, though, I think I would most appreciate some space between us just to let things cool off.”