Conversation Skills Training: How to Connect with Anyone
Are you tired of awkward silences and failed social interactions?
Want to build stronger relationships and boost your confidence?
Look no further! In this video, we dive into the world of effective
communication, drawing insights from Patrick King's groundbreaking book,
"Conversation Skills Training."
Discover the secrets to:
Mastering the art of conversation: Learn how to start conversations,
keep them flowing, and leave a lasting impression.
Building rapport and connection: Develop strong relationships by
understanding and responding to others' emotions.
Navigating difficult conversations: Handle conflict, disagreements,
and tough situations with grace and assertiveness.
Overcoming social anxiety: Build your confidence and overcome
shyness to thrive in social settings.
Persuading and influencing others: Learn the art of persuasion and
influence to achieve your goals.
Don't miss this opportunity to transform your communication skills and
unlock your full potential.
Watch now and start building the life you've always dreamed of!
#conversationskillstraining #socialskills #communication #selfimprovement #personalgrowth
Transcript
Lecturer,
Speaker:consultant,
Speaker:author,
Speaker:and coach Dr. Karl Albrecht explained in Psychology Today that every
Speaker:conversation is made up of three key elements - .
Speaker:1. Declaratives.
Speaker:2. Questions .
Speaker:3. Qualifiers.
Speaker:Declaratives are simply statements of fact—for example,
Speaker:“The sky is light blue."
Speaker:12 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:28,920 However,
Speaker:to make things more complicated,
Speaker:they aren’t always exactly facts,
Speaker:but opinions that are presented as though they are facts - “Light blue is too
Speaker:weak a color to wear to that job interview."
Speaker:Questions are self-explanatory (although this doesn’t include rhetorical
Speaker:questions that take the grammatical form of a question but are not literally
Speaker:asking the other person to respond—for example,
Speaker:“What is it with this weather today?”).
Speaker:What’s your favorite color?
Speaker:What should I wear to the interview?
Speaker:Finally,
Speaker:qualifiers are something we’ve encountered already and include any words or
Speaker:phrases intended to soften or moderate what is being said.
Speaker:For example - “In my opinion ...” “I’m wondering if ...” “I could
Speaker:be wrong,
Speaker:but as far as I know ...” “I’m not speaking for everyone here,
Speaker:but ...” Qualifiers are also great at helping you express uncertainty or make
Speaker:a claim—but not too strongly.
Speaker:So instead of saying that light blue is a weak color,
Speaker:you could say it might be a slightly weak color.
Speaker:Instead of saying,
Speaker:“Freud was a pervert,” you say,
Speaker:“In my opinion,
Speaker:it may be the case that Freud in fact had a distorted sexuality."
Speaker:38 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:01,840 Now,
Speaker:Albrecht suggested what he calls the “rule of three."
Speaker:Simply,
Speaker:in a conversation,
Speaker:make sure that you are never making three declarative statements in a row.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:include plenty of questions or qualifiers (i.e.,
Speaker:softer and more moderate declaratives)
Speaker:to give your speech a little more flexibility.
Speaker:Crucially,
Speaker:doing so will make sure that the conversation doesn’t become bogged down in
Speaker:ego and narcissism.
Speaker:51 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:38,480 A question is a way to bat the conversational ball over the net and to the
Speaker:other person,
Speaker:who is then invited to say what they want to before batting the ball back again.
Speaker:A modifier is halfway between a question and a declarative statement—you say
Speaker:what you want to say,
Speaker:but you leave a little room in there for someone else to add what they want to.
Speaker:There is nothing wrong with a declarative per se—but it is the sort of thing
Speaker:that closes off any avenues for connection (beyond bland agreement or outright
Speaker:disagreement,
Speaker:that is—both of which do not actually further the conversation).
Speaker:62 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,400 Try it,
Speaker:and you may be surprised at just how much more your conversations flow—and
Speaker:you’ll come across as more likeable,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:Understanding the rule of three means you won’t soon run out of things to say
Speaker:in any conversation.
Speaker:You can basically never go wrong if you a)
Speaker:ask a question or b)
Speaker:say whatever declarative statement you were just about to say but soften it a
Speaker:qualifier.
Speaker:73 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:51,760 Consider the following conversation - Person A - I’ve got this really bad
Speaker:shoulder pain ...the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis!
Speaker:Person B - Wow,
Speaker:bursitis?
Speaker:My grandmother had that last year.
Speaker:It’s more common than you think,
Speaker:you know.
Speaker:81 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,680 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:it’s the first I’ve heard of it.
Speaker:Apparently,
Speaker:it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine.
Speaker:Person B - Well,
Speaker:you have to consider all the possible causes—there are lots of things that
Speaker:could be to blame.
Speaker:It’s actually repetitive strain that causes most cases of bursitis.
Speaker:Person A - Sure,
Speaker:yeah.
Speaker:Anyway,
Speaker:my physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is
Speaker:placed just slightly in the wrong place ... Person B - A lot of those people
Speaker:giving vaccines didn’t get the right training.
Speaker:Person A - Well,
Speaker:let me tell you,
Speaker:it hurts like hell!
Speaker:Person B - I’m sure.
Speaker:The best thing would be to have plenty of rest,
Speaker:I guess.
Speaker:Now take a look at the above conversation and ask yourself how much you like
Speaker:Person B. They are not being a conversational narcissist in the sense that
Speaker:it’s all me,
Speaker:me,
Speaker:me ...but somehow,
Speaker:their ego seems to loom large in the above exchange.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:You’ll notice that everything that Person B says is a declarative statement.
Speaker:It gives the conversation a flat,
Speaker:dead feeling.
Speaker:After a declarative,
Speaker:there’s not much to do except agree,
Speaker:disagree,
Speaker:or stop talking.
Speaker:In the extreme,
Speaker:too many declaratives like this can actually make the person seem as though
Speaker:they are lecturing,
Speaker:preaching,
Speaker:or explaining ...i.e.,
Speaker:it can feel very dull and even condescending!
Speaker:Let’s look at a different conversation - Person A - I’ve got this really
Speaker:bad shoulder pain ...the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis!
Speaker:Person C - Wow,
Speaker:bursitis?
Speaker:My grandmother had that last year.
Speaker:It’s more common than you think,
Speaker:you know.
Speaker:130 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,480 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:it’s the first I’ve heard of it.
Speaker:Apparently,
Speaker:it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine.
Speaker:Person C - Really?
Speaker:That’s interesting.
Speaker:Do you mean you had a bad reaction to something that was in the vaccine?
Speaker:Person A - Actually,
Speaker:no.
Speaker:My physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is
Speaker:placed just slightly in the wrong place.
Speaker:Person C - Ouch!
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:I may be wrong about this,
Speaker:but I seem to remember reading an article last year about how many volunteers
Speaker:had emergency training to learn to give the vaccine.
Speaker:Maybe the person who jabbed you just wasn’t all that experienced?
Speaker:149 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,240 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:exactly,
Speaker:that’s what I think too.
Speaker:It’s annoying because it really hurts!
Speaker:Person C - I can imagine.
Speaker:What do you think you’ll do now?
Speaker:Have you got something relaxing planned for the weekend?
Speaker:157 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,080 First,
Speaker:just ask yourself which person—Person B or Person C—you feel is more
Speaker:likable.
Speaker:The two conversations are very,
Speaker:very similar.
Speaker:Both are perfectly acceptable,
Speaker:and there is no offense caused or any major rupture in social etiquette in
Speaker:either one.
Speaker:And yet,
Speaker:even in this short interaction,
Speaker:you can probably see the big difference the rule of three makes and how a
Speaker:person using declaratives one hundred percent comes across so differently from
Speaker:someone using a mix of all three conversational types.
Speaker:Person B likely doesn’t believe themselves to be bad at conversation,
Speaker:but they nevertheless will be perceived as less friendly,
Speaker:less likeable,
Speaker:and somehow less enjoyable to speak to.
Speaker:The effect of such interactions gradually and imperceptibly adds up.
Speaker:Others may not be able to put their finger on why,
Speaker:but they may feel that Person B is a bit boring,
Speaker:stuck-up,
Speaker:rude,
Speaker:or a know-it-all.
Speaker:181 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,280 Crucially,
Speaker:it’s not about the content of what you say.
Speaker:It’s about the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it.
Speaker:185 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:23,360 Questions convey a sense of openness,
Speaker:possibility,
Speaker:humility,
Speaker:and receptivity.
Speaker:They can be playful and respectful and can demonstrate empathy and compassion,
Speaker:as well as the covert message,
Speaker:“I like you.
Speaker:I’m interested.
Speaker:Tell me more."
Speaker:Qualified statements send a similar message.
Speaker:They say something,
Speaker:but it’s a soft something.
Speaker:They signal to the other person that you are amenable,
Speaker:flexible,
Speaker:and ready to discuss and move with the flow.
Speaker:Declaratives,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:are a little like dead-ends.
Speaker:They are pronouncements made that usually signal the end of conversation rather
Speaker:than its beginning.
Speaker:They position you as a speaker with authority,
Speaker:and the other person as someone who is there primarily to hear this authority.
Speaker:Though there is absolutely a time and place for this energy (giving speeches,
Speaker:setting boundaries,
Speaker:or literally teaching someone)
Speaker:too much of it means you are talking AT rather than talking WITH. In other
Speaker:words,
Speaker:questions and qualifiers open up a little room that invites the other person
Speaker:into the conversation.
Speaker:Declaratives tend to focus only on you and your message,
Speaker:while closing out the other person.
Speaker:217 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,640 “Light blue is such a weak color."
Speaker:Is it?
Speaker:Says who?
Speaker:Literally imagine someone said this to you—can you feel how difficult it is
Speaker:to say anything in response?
Speaker:223 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,760 “Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion,
Speaker:but I’ve never really liked light blue!"
Speaker:Can you see how it’s possible to have a strong opinion but nevertheless frame
Speaker:it as exactly that—an opinion—and leave plenty of space for someone to
Speaker:respond and keep the conversation going?
Speaker:“What’s your favorite color?"
Speaker:A question immediately opens up the conversation and signals that you are
Speaker:willing and able to share airtime,
Speaker:to listen,
Speaker:and to connect.
Speaker:It’s a signal that you are putting your ego aside and making space for
Speaker:connection,
Speaker:and even though it’s subtle,
Speaker:it conveys feelings of appreciation and generosity that are worth their weight
Speaker:in gold.
Speaker:239 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,360 By the way,
Speaker:it’s worth noting that you don’t have to become passive and unopinionated
Speaker:to be more likable.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:occasionally saying something obviously outrageous is a great way to inject a
Speaker:little playfulness into a conversation and get things flowing.
Speaker:But note that these declaratives are in a way acting like questions or
Speaker:qualifiers,
Speaker:since they can’t help but draw the other person in.
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:I simply cannot wear light blue.
Speaker:It makes my eyeballs itchy just looking at it."
Speaker:“Man,
Speaker:I hate light blue.
Speaker:They should make convicts wear it in prison as punishment."
Speaker:If the rule of three feels tricky to implement at first,
Speaker:don’t worry—it can take time to break bad habits!
Speaker:One easy trick is to literally say whatever you were going to,
Speaker:but add “don’t you think?” to the end of it.
Speaker:“Light blue is such a weak color,
Speaker:don’t you think?"
Speaker:It immediately changes the entire energy and flow of the conversation and takes
Speaker:little-to-no effort on your part.
Speaker:Another trick to try is to simply convert any statement into a slightly
Speaker:softened question.
Speaker:Instead of saying “The blue looks weird,” say “Do you think the blue
Speaker:looks a little off?"
Speaker:267 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:04,880 If you’re the kind of person who likes to get on a soapbox and bombard people
Speaker:with your strongly held opinions,
Speaker:try to ask yourself why.
Speaker:Being dogmatic and lecturing people and forcefully pushing your opinions on
Speaker:them is not communication,
Speaker:but a roadblock to communication.
Speaker:People can veer toward declarative statements that are opinions dressed up as
Speaker:facts for a few reasons -
Speaker:276 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,840 •We unconsciously think that the purpose of a conversation is to have our
Speaker:needs met and to be heard and seen by someone else .
Speaker:279 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:28,800
Speaker:•We may hold a core belief that we have to broadcast,
Speaker:defend,
Speaker:or force our perspectives and opinions,
Speaker:usually because they have not been appreciated or respected in the past.
Speaker:285 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:38,000
Speaker:•We are anxious and trying to win validation or appear smart and interesting .
Speaker:The irony is that using the rule of three is something you do for other
Speaker:people—but it’s ultimately something that benefits you.
Speaker:Conversations that are more balanced just flow better and lead to more comfort,
Speaker:trust,
Speaker:enjoyment,
Speaker:and attraction than ones where one or both parties are talking forcefully at
Speaker:the other,
Speaker:who is simply trying to endure it—or waiting for their own turn on the
Speaker:soapbox!
Speaker:297 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,600 You’ll notice as well that this trick works seamlessly with all the other
Speaker:advice we’ve covered so far.
Speaker:The rule of three helps you build rapport,
Speaker:removes barriers to connection,
Speaker:and helps you maintain a communication style that is relaxed and appealing.
